What to do......

Hey everyone. New to the forum. Although I do not suffer from SPD, I believe I just ended a relationship with a female who was schizoid. We dated for about three months and it was a mutual break up, but I am finding myself "haunted" by her, for lack of a better term. We communicate once every couple of weeks, but I find myself thinking about her very often every day and missing her.

Toward the end, her interest seemed to wane and I think she became bored with the situation more than anything, as she is very intelligent and needs a lot of intellectual stimulation. It's just odd because every time we were together we always had a great time.

Being a fairly normal guy with mild, garden variety BPD, I am a little out of my element. I have never had a relationship with a woman like her and part of me wants to "win" her back, but in doing my research, I don't know if that is even possible. It was/is so hard to try and sort things out with her because of her guarded nature. I am not 100%sure of what I am really asking other than to hear other people's feedback.

It's my first time posting so if this is the wrong thread, I my apologies.

ENFPENTP wrote:Being a fairly normal guy

with mild, garden variety BPD

Wait... make up your mind!

Anyways. It's kind of a cheesy cliché and all, but, some things, only time can heal. And "what particular kind of time" is involved will depend on the person. I guess a helpful thought to start with is that "if the current situation is upsetting and it seems stagnant, then it's probably a good idea to take the initiative to change something about it". More contact. Less contact. No contact. Being more open. More friendly. More formal. Be creative... But in any case, it takes time. Try to distract yourself with things that you like but which don't remind you of her. Vent and talk to a trusted friend about your feelings (or maybe strangers on the internet, whatever works) from time to time. And have patience, I guess.

emillionth wrote:

ENFPENTP wrote:Being a fairly normal guy

with mild, garden variety BPD

Wait... make up your mind!

Anyways. It's kind of a cheesy cliché and all, but, some things, only time can heal. And "what particular kind of time" is involved will depend on the person. I guess a helpful thought to start with is that "if the current situation is upsetting and it seems stagnant, then it's probably a good idea to take the initiative to change something about it". More contact. Less contact. No contact. Being more open. More friendly. More formal. Be creative... But in any case, it takes time. Try to distract yourself with things that you like but which don't remind you of her. Vent and talk to a trusted friend about your feelings (or maybe strangers on the internet, whatever works) from time to time. And have patience, I guess.

I can't. Got ADD as well lol......so do you mean change things up with her or just in general? (I know, I know, I just don't like to give up) It's been almost 2 months since we split and that was the last time I saw her. Things are really much better now, but she really got into my head and heart. She was quite open about her past traumas to a point, but never discussion of any feelings really.

Then one day she started walling herself off from me, little by little, brick by brick. No discussion or explanation. And I didn't want to ask, I didn't want to put pressure on her to talk about things she was uncomfortable doing. The whole shutting down process took about a month. It was very methodical.

I've already started seeing a few women, but there was just something about this woman that just sticks with me. It still stings a bit knowing that she probably feels none of the things I do, or maybe she does, but just more muted and fleeting.

ENFPENTP wrote:Hey everyone. New to the forum.

Hey there! Whether you're a fairly normal guy and or with mild, garden variety BPD I want to welcome you to the forum! ^.^

ENFPENTP wrote:Although I do not suffer from SPD, I believe I just ended a relationship with a female who was schizoid.

I'm wondering how it ended. Though mutual and you two still communicate I think it's interesting how you two've gone about it.

ENFPENTP wrote:I am finding myself "haunted" by her, for lack of a better term. We communicate once every couple of weeks, but I find myself thinking about her very often every day and missing her.

I think I'm gonna need to know what caused the breakup.

ENFPENTP wrote:Toward the end, her interest seemed to wane and I think she became bored with the situation more than anything, as she is very intelligent and needs a lot of intellectual stimulation. It's just odd because every time we were together we always had a great time.

Sounds a bit like she could be ADD too lol. Not a diagnosis either of you, but I'm ADHD and I'm like her with my boyfriend. For us when I'm bored we do our own thing. If she wants a partner that can keep her constantly intellectually stimulated though without the lull then that's probably best you two aren't together. It would likely stress you out trying to keep her.

ENFPENTP wrote:Being a fairly normal guy with mild, garden variety BPD, I am a little out of my element. I have never had a relationship with a woman like her and part of me wants to "win" her back, but in doing my research, I don't know if that is even possible. It was/is so hard to try and sort things out with her because of her guarded nature.

If she doesn't want to try again than that's that. I have had relationships with BPD's (in fact my boyfriend is one) and it's incredibly hard if not impossible to relate to each other sometimes with the other's PD traits.

It's very hard to explain to him that I don't have the senses of abandonment he has. It took him a long time to accept that I was often more comfortable in another room on the opposite side of our place than being in the same room silent while we each do something different (we live together and have for a long while). I don't believe he'll ever fully understand it like how I won't get why one feels anxiety about me doing that.

BPD's can be emotionally difficult to deal with for a schizoid. The one thing that I feel helped me and mine was the fact that I also have rapid cycling bipolar 1. Seems a mostly schizoid acting person can kinda get how it is to be BPD when most of the time they get changes in energy levels which affect their irritability or whether they're easy to deal with. Go figure.

ENFPENTP wrote:I can't. Got ADD as well lol......so do you mean change things up with her or just in general?

Have you thought about getting treated for it? My compulsive intrusive thinking went away when I did.

ENFPENTP wrote:She was quite open about her past traumas to a point, but never discussion of any feelings really.

She opened up about traumas and that's hard. Give it time. Keep in mind it might take a long while. Don't push but you might mention your concern about what she's been through and how she might benefit from therapy. Be sure to let her know you don't feel she's crazy but that anyone in her situation would likely benefit from talking out trauma with a professional. Opening up easily made her feel vulnerable even if she didn't show it. It's good that she seems to feel close enough to you to confide in this.

ENFPENTP wrote:I've already started seeing a few women, but there was just something about this woman that just sticks with me. It still stings a bit knowing that she probably feels none of the things I do, or maybe she does, but just more muted and fleeting.

This one is tough. I honestly don't know what you should do. If you want a relationship that's more than friends I suppose you should both cut ties and move on. I feel it will be difficult to be in a relationship like that with her in your life yet also if you cut her out.

I am very sorry for you both.

ENFPENTP wrote:I can't. Got ADD as well lol......

Yeah that doesn't help... I have ADHD myself too.

so do you mean change things up with her or just in general?

I meant your current contact with her, but... whatever works. The goal is to stop feeling bad about it, right? Whether you end up being closer again or drifting even further apart is kinda secondary.

Don't take anything I'm saying as actual advice though. Just thoughts.

The last words exchanged between me and the one girlfriend that I did have (about a year after we had split up) were "have a nice life then i guess" and "likewise". It still took me quite a while after that to get over her, because I kept feeling bad for the "missed potential", and because there were lingering sexual associations in my head, but at least it was obvious by then that the potential that I had pictured for so long was always misaligned with reality, and that she only ever went along with it because of fear of abandonment, so it was a matter of time until I got to some sort of more permanent emotional conclusion. Today I think "why was it again that I ever even liked her?" when I remember her, but I'm glad that I did anyway, which is a good combo. I got to know myself better, which is satisfying.

I've already started seeing a few women, but there was just something about this woman that just sticks with me.

Have you met any woman yet who you can talk to about your unresolved feelings? I think that's a good way to both cope with it and build a new relationship at the same time. You get to let them know you better by opening up (and you also learn about yourself while at it) and you get to sort of "start from where you left off" instead of simply repeating history. I think you can find a resolution to a past relationship through a new one as long as you're open and sincere. I guess it's also kind of a way to screen for a partner who can offer you emotional support and who's interested enough to "win you over".

Holodeck wrote:

ENFPENTP wrote:Hey everyone. New to the forum.

Hey there! Whether you're a fairly normal guy and or with mild, garden variety BPD I want to welcome you to the forum! ^.^Thank you so much! I am really liking the "feel" of this forum so far, although it's only been around 24 hrs. since I joined.

ENFPENTP wrote:Although I do not suffer from SPD, I believe I just ended a relationship with a female who was schizoid.

I'm wondering how it ended. Though mutual and you two still communicate I think it's interesting how you two've gone about it.She initiated the break, but I was also thinking about it at the time. So when she brought it up, I told her I was thinking about asking her if we could just be friends, because she had become increasingly distant and unavailable. I really didn't try to talk her out of it. I tend to think that if a person wants to work things out, they initiate a dialogue, but then again, I had never been in a relationship with a schizoid person (who devalues relationships and feeling. She did ask if I wanted to talk about any feelings I had about her, but was unwilling to discuss any of her feelings. It was like she was giving me a chance to argue or "state my case", but i wasn't ready and I was still confused about my feelings for her, so I did a terrible job of expressing myself.

ENFPENTP wrote:I am finding myself "haunted" by her, for lack of a better term. We communicate once every couple of weeks, but I find myself thinking about her very often every day and missing her.

I think I'm gonna need to know what caused the breakup. It's a long story, but in brief, I think I approached the relationship too seriously, from a "traditional" lens, when she wanted something more casual, like a "friends with benefits" type of deal, but she also said even though she really didn't know what she wanted, she was open to a relationship if it happened(did you ever see 500 Days of Summer?)

ENFPENTP wrote:Toward the end, her interest seemed to wane and I think she became bored with the situation more than anything, as she is very intelligent and needs a lot of intellectual stimulation. It's just odd because every time we were together we always had a great time.

Sounds a bit like she could be ADD too lol. Not a diagnosis either of you, but I'm ADHD and I'm like her with my boyfriend. For us when I'm bored we do our own thing. If she wants a partner that can keep her constantly intellectually stimulated though without the lull then that's probably best you two aren't together. It would likely stress you out trying to keep her.I really think that it's the true nature of someone with her tendencies. She's quite content being alone with her thoughts and I assume she prefers solitude. I have also read that people who are likely to have a long term relationship with a SPD type, that person needs to serve a practical purpose in the life of the schizoid or need to be in constant contact/association (weak desire for personal attachment). If not, the schizoid sees no purpose for the relationship. If they find the person very intriguing/interesting and that person is also somewhat emotionally detached, this could also foster a relationship. Overall, I think she likes me just fine, but she has very limited time in her schedule and sees me as impractical and a distraction? I can only guess. Also I was having to put in 90% of the effort just to keep her interested at the end. It just became exhausting. Also, any contact we've had since the breakup, I've had to initiate. But when I do, she happily shares photos, expresses excitement, tells me what her plans are for the weekend. In fact, the last time I texted her she said "it so funny, I was just thinking about texting you". So I asked her how she was doing.....radio silence for 2 hours before she responds....hot and cold.

ENFPENTP wrote:Being a fairly normal guy with mild, garden variety BPD, I am a little out of my element. I have never had a relationship with a woman like her and part of me wants to "win" her back, but in doing my research, I don't know if that is even possible. It was/is so hard to try and sort things out with her because of her guarded nature.

If she doesn't want to try again than that's that. I have had relationships with BPD's (in fact my boyfriend is one) and it's incredibly hard if not impossible to relate to each other sometimes with the other's PD traits.

It's very hard to explain to him that I don't have the senses of abandonment he has. It took him a long time to accept that I was often more comfortable in another room on the opposite side of our place than being in the same room silent while we each do something different (we live together and have for a long while). I don't believe he'll ever fully understand it like how I won't get why one feels anxiety about me doing that. See, now that things have normalized for me emotionally, I don't mind this type of dynamic. I LOVE having time to myself and hanging out and not talking. But she saw the insecure, needy side of me. I'm not the same as I was 5-6 months ago. I was going through a lot of issues.

BPD's can be emotionally difficult to deal with for a schizoid. Yes, I know. Although I have never been officially diagnosed, several of the symptoms are there when I get extremely stressed, which isn't often. The one thing that I feel helped me and mine was the fact that I also have rapid cycling bipolar 1. Seems a mostly schizoid acting person can kinda get how it is to be BPD when most of the time they get changes in energy levels which affect their irritability or whether they're easy to deal with. Go figure. So funny. My best friend is bipolar. He's the same way

ENFPENTP wrote:I can't. Got ADD as well lol......so do you mean change things up with her or just in general?

Have you thought about getting treated for it? My compulsive intrusive thinking went away when I did.I take meds. It's not perfect all the time, but most of the time, my focus is very good, especially when it's crunch time.

ENFPENTP wrote:She was quite open about her past traumas to a point, but never discussion of any feelings really.

She opened up about traumas and that's hard. Give it time. Keep in mind it might take a long while. Don't push but you might mention your concern about what she's been through and how she might benefit from therapy. Be sure to let her know you don't feel she's crazy but that anyone in her situation would likely benefit from talking out trauma with a professional. Opening up easily made her feel vulnerable even if she didn't show it. It's good that she seems to feel close enough to you to confide in this. I don't feel comfortable talking to her about this. I feel that she may be in denial or that she would see my recognition of her issues as intrusive. She's fiercely independent, guarded and quite defensive at times. For instance, when we broke up, I asked her "what do you think went wrong? How do you feel about XYZ". Her response was I probably needed to find someone who was more "touchy feely". She has very little tolerance for "sappy" discussions or subjects.

ENFPENTP wrote:I've already started seeing a few women, but there was just something about this woman that just sticks with me. It still stings a bit knowing that she probably feels none of the things I do, or maybe she does, but just more muted and fleeting.

This one is tough. I honestly don't know what you should do. If you want a relationship that's more than friends I suppose you should both cut ties and move on. I feel it will be difficult to be in a relationship like that with her in your life yet also if you cut her out.I finally figured out that deep down, I feel great sympathy for her past and I have a need to help/fix/resolve/rescue. Also, my type ENxP, is very drawn to her type of personality (INTJ). It's hard to explain, but just being around her and having a relationship with her helps me focus and helps me organize my mind. I also feel so much calmer around her. I suppose it couldn't hurt to tell her all these things, although it probably would not make a difference. I still hesitate to reveal that I recognize her condition and tendencies. I have no idea how she'll respond if I did. Even if she is aware of her condition, she may not appreciate that I have focused so much attention in understanding her. She would either be flattered or completely shut me out.

I am very sorry for you both.

Thanks, I appreciate the empathy .....are you sure your schizoid??? lol. Seriously, thanks for taking the time to care. People like yourself have helped me through processing the break up.

Wait a minute. Do you still have any lines of communication open at all? You might want to do that just in case...

The relationships that I've ended failed not because I didn't like the other person, but because I was seeing too much of them. A lot of times, what I considered to be a formal breakup was really just a breather. After a while, I realized I wouldn't mind seeing them again, although I was aware that eventually, I'd OD on them again, so after going making that mistake a couple of times, I learned to just live with the fact that while I didn't mind having them in my life, not having them around was better than having my life saturated with them.

With friendships, you can sometimes find a middle ground. Relationships are different. They're like amps that are stuck at eleven. It's all or nothing. A deal breaker.

I'm not sure how you can apply this to your situation. And I don't mean to give you false hope that she may be out there somewhere thinking of you.

I recognize a lot of her behavior in myself, so I figured I'd mention this.

naps wrote:Wait a minute. Do you still have any lines of communication open at all? You might want to do that just in case...

The relationships that I've ended failed not because I didn't like the other person, but because I was seeing too much of them. A lot of times, what I considered to be a formal breakup was really just a breather. After a while, I realized I wouldn't mind seeing them again, although I was aware that eventually, I'd OD on them again, so after going making that mistake a couple of times, I learned to just live with the fact that while I didn't mind having them in my life, not having them around was better than having my life saturated with them.

With friendships, you can sometimes find a middle ground. Relationships are different. They're like amps that are stuck at eleven. It's all or nothing. A deal breaker.

I'm not sure how you can apply this to your situation. And I don't mean to give you false hope that she may be out there somewhere thinking of you.

I recognize a lot of her behavior in myself, so I figured I'd mention this.

Thank you for this. I keep projecting my feelings into the situation, imagining how she might be thinking or feeling, but in terms of how I would be feeling. It is eye opening to read this and it totally seems like something she would do. I think she really wanted to break things off with me earlier, but she knew I was still suffering from my previous loss. She is unbelievably perceptive and sensitive, just very subtle in the way she shows she cares. She didn't express her feelings in words, but she gave me a lot of attention and spent time with me. And all I kept focusing on was "why doesn't she say she misses me" or "Wow, she's busy again. She must not like me that much". Then she'd spend 5 hours out of her busy schedule to go hiking with me every week and have breakfast afterwards.....I feel like a dope.

The way our situations are now, I would love to have a "do over", to let her experience the real me. I don't mind the distance or prolonged intervals. I am very busy too so it would work, at least as friends. I just like knowing that she isn't irritated when I text or call her.

I notice you said you think she got bored. I can't speak for her, but personally, I don't get bored in social relationships so much as habituated. It seems a bit backwards, but the struggle to maintain an emotional connection increases as the novelty wears off. This makes the relationship seem more daunting and less worthwhile.

Again, not saying that's necessarily what happened, but it might've.

naps wrote:not having them around was better than having my life saturated with them

hmm

ENFPENTP wrote:she really didn't know what she wanted

I know where she's coming from. She probably would love to have a traditional relationship but she can merely handle non-serious relationships with less involvement due to lack of emotional intimacy. She's confused because of this and her not knowing how to connect the two. I'm still working on my own emotional intimacy so don't even ask me how to fix that one. Believe me when I make a connection on how to manage it, I will make a post!

ENFPENTP wrote:1) She's quite content being alone with her thoughts and I assume she prefers solitude.
2) that person needs to serve a practical purpose in the life of the schizoid or need to be in constant contact/association
3) she has very limited time in her schedule and sees me as impractical and a distraction?
4) Also I was having to put in 90% of the effort just to keep her interested at the end.
5) "it so funny, I was just thinking about texting you". So I asked her how she was doing.....radio silence for 2 hours before she responds....hot and cold.

So you're saying:
1) She prefers to ruminate on thoughts she prefers (her happy place).
2)That she has trauma and the way she might more easily focus on the relationship is through finding a way to appreciate their qualities through stimulating their brains to think in a "happy" way involving that person.
3) She takes on a lot of stimulations tasks. (Schizoids aren't usually known to be motivated by the way)
4) You have to put in the effort because she's constantly looking for stimuli on which to be focussed.
5) You ground her reminding her to distance her emotion as much as possible while she wants to keep up the stimulation. At the same time she wants to be around you if even for a little bit...until she loses stimulating mental focus and craves a distraction.

I don't know her and can't diagnose but I'll be damned if that doesn't sound identical to my ADHD with it's hefty dose of depressive trauma on the side (both which crave "happy" brain chemicals being stimulated through the brain which is what ADHD meds do). I'm still working through trauma but the underlined parts have been fixed since my ADHD meds were prescribed to me.

ENFPENTP wrote:I don't feel comfortable talking to her about this.

Yep. I wasn't taking the therapy idea for many years. If it weren't for bipolar psychosis freaking me out I wouldn't have gone. My boyfriend was the one who respectfully confided of being worried about me. He said "I love you and you know I think of you as logical and smart but there are times when you do and say things that don't make sense." He explained how he felt the psychosis was mainly due to anxiety triggers (which it mostly was) and explained how my trauma needed to be discussed with someone.

If she doesn't have anything going on that she is willing to recognize then it's pointless. Seems she has some paranoia too which is often the case with trauma. I imagine it's best to leave it as it is for the moment.

I too hate sappy talk. My boyfriend loves it. He's the type who feels the need to tell me daily why he loves being with me. It's sweet considering this is how his people in their culture show affection but in mine it could be shorted to "Love ya" and "Uh huh, ditto" at most if we feel it's expected.

ENFPENTP wrote:It still stings a bit knowing that she probably feels none of the things I do

*Grooooannn* My boyfriend has used that to fish for emotion. If for any reason you do use the pointless verbal guilt trip of saying "You probably feel nothing for me" I give her points if she says "Yep, you got it."

Ok. I'm going to try to explain it from my side. Please note that I'm seriously taking insane pauses of time to force myself to type this because I hate this sort of thing so much. Imagine typing something that is mentally straining and somewhat painful then make it worse by instead of typing saying it to someone's face and not feeling like you can pause for breathes when needed. Even if they are patient it feels like you'll never know how to explain and that the conversation is pointless because you don't believe you'll be able to keep it up even if you might want to. *Cue spiraling anxiety mixed with depression*

Did you feel the walls closing in? I did.

We first met online. I tend to be much more human in text. Did you see that message she sent you? It seems like she's more human when not in person too. It gives her pause. Every time we've had to discuss difficult things we've found typing it out was easier for me to do in a more human way.

ENFPENTP wrote:I feel great sympathy for her past and I have a need to help.

That's sweet of you but try not to touch on her being a rescue mission when hanging out. If she wants help, let her bring it up. She's come to you with trauma and that's a start. Be an ear but don't take her by the hand and lead or she'll likely dig her heels in and run away.

ENFPENTP wrote:Even if she is aware of her condition, she may not appreciate that I have focused so much attention in understanding her. She would either be flattered or completely shut me out.

Probably not flattered but will likely think you're being a bit on the obsessive side.

ENFPENTP wrote:Thanks, I appreciate the empathy .....are you sure your schizoid??? lol. Seriously, thanks for taking the time to care. People like yourself have helped me through processing the break up.

I was originally dx'd Schizoid PD (which is an umbrella term for a list of bad habits made to cope that people with PD's don't want) and later my therapist realized c-PTSD fit too (which mirrors those traits). I've been in therapy every week for a little over a year and a half. I've knocked out a good chunk but have quite a ways of breaking bad habits to go. Glad to help. ^.^