What to do......

Find a few topics that are things she's (preferably both of you are) very into. I think most with SPD traits are typically not the greatest at starting conversation but are likely good responders. I'm that way at least. If you don't know enough about her interests, maybe figure out some of your favorite things and try starting a dialogue about them. This might keep her interest up and will perhaps drive more of a connection. I know she doesn't have a lot of free time but maybe going somewhere that has something has a vested interest in might help it feel less habitual. Lots of schizoids have problems getting into physically acting on their interests so that may score some points.

ENFPENTP wrote: I would probably guess that their oxytocin levels would be quite low.

Raising mine seemed to make me act more pleasantly and even enjoy being around people more.

ENFPENTP wrote:no sadness or irony in her voice, just a simple observation.

I display emotion the same way. I'd describe myself as often feeling like I respond the same way as a person who's woken up not long ago and needs caffeine and occasionally might say something out there because they're still half awake. I've gotten nearly 100% better but it used to be hard for me to not seem that way. I think this is part of the "sleep state" feeling. You know how when you wake someone up and they're talking like that you rarely see much in regards of expression? They may express annoyance or squint with bright lighting but I've at least never seen much more. I'm not talking about waking from a pleasant sleep but when woken up in an interrupted way. With conversations that "being forced to wake up" feeling seems to cause mine. Since being in a more tired state is a sign of low dopamine and I've been a ton better since taking meds that specifically act to raise my dopamine levels...I'm guessing that's it because I HAVE been exhibiting more emotion since I've started taking them.

3) She takes on a lot of stimulations tasks. (Schizoids aren't usually known to be motivated by the way) She is definitely an exception in this area, but only when it comes to her hobbies lol. She is truly a renaissance woman.

This is good. If she can catch a break, this means you might be able to more easily get her to join you in going somewhere she finds enjoyable. If nothing else you might be able to do something along the lines of meet for lunch in an area she'd enjoy being.

4) You have to put in the effort because she's constantly looking for stimuli on which to be focused. because I have become non-stimulating?

Usually when people are craving stimulation they it's because their brains are craving dopamine (which helps with the feeling of reward.) It takes a lot to stimulate people like that and their thoughts are louder than things around them. Dopamine is made in sleep which is why I also made the earlier connection. Both mood disorders and ADD have this issue. It's the reason ADD can't focus because the clickbait hyperactive thoughts seem so much more necessary so interesting. You have to be careful with dopamine either way though because it can cause anxiety and paranoia when too much is given. Think of it like drinking coffee to feel better and focus but getting too much can do the opposite. By the way, caffeine stimulates dopamine too which is why it calms ADD people...unless too much is consumed.

I "ground" her?Maybe a subjective example to help me understand?

Think of it as she's waking up but then the reminder that she needs to socialize makes her put her thoughts away. With me is I tend not to feel except when alone and in my head. When I get out of my head around people and talking I stow those emotions away to concentrate on what's being said.

ENFPENTP wrote:I would tell her "I'm crazy about you" and she would give me this look like I was talking Martian.

My boyfriend and I were in therapy yesterday and we had a breakthrough. The easiest time to get me to react pleasantly (often even with facial expression) is when I'm being verbally mean in a playful way. My boyfriend and I do this and it involves us giving each other expletives as pet names and calling out on things that aren't usually true. Neither of us saw this before as more than banter.

I don't remember precisely what was being said but we started acting like this. The therapist commented on how she could see how we cared about each other through that and couldn't understand why he couldn't see me being in love with him through that. She wasn't being sarcastic. I did a long pause then obnoxiously told him "Yeah, you dumb @#$%. I'm over here apparently verbally telling you I love you by all the time and you're freaking out because I didn't go through sonnets about how you do the ####ing dishes for me."

ENFPENTP wrote:I am starting to question my decision to pursue her as anything more than friends.

My boyfriend and I were friends for 2 years before we dated. I think it's better to be friends first.

Do you feel the intense pain and essentially grief (like I do) when you lose someone close to you/break up?

I have.

ENFPENTP wrote:When I was battling depression several years ago, I refused to seek help. I thought it was weak and I didn't want to accept being "defective". I thought I could will my way through it. It was exhausting. Once i just accepted that my chemistry was out of whack and started medication everything was so much easier.

In all sincerity I'm glad you did. I don't know you of course but my boyfriend could have written that word for word. He recently started therapy after accepting he wasn't being weak for it. He's not on meds because I told him I wanted him to decide when the time was right and research the medication first if he took it but I'm glad he walked through that door at all.

naps wrote:If you take it slow, don't push her, and don't invade her comfort level, you may find that she'll be willing to give more of herself.

If you don't take anything away out of what I've typed at least take naps' advice here.

ENFPENTP wrote:I have read somewhere that schizoid people often see roles in relationships as dominant or submissive.

I have a dominant personality in general but in my relationship we're equals.

ENFPENTP wrote:Is recurrent dissociation common with a schizoid person? The only reason I ask is because my ex has shown behaviors and said things at times that just seemed odd. Major events in her life that she told me about, but then later, have trouble remembering and would need to see a picture to remember.

Yes though not always that extreme, and it's back to the half-asleep thing. Everything you described sounds like my version though.

ENFPENTP wrote:How would this effect a person with SPD?

This could have easily been the cause.

ENFPENTP wrote:You lost me a little with the second part of your statement. How could she be "thinking/feeling what I need to believe"?

By coincidence, I mean. Because lack of expression doesn't by itself imply lack of feeling. If she's a black box and will keep being a black box, then you may as well assume she's feeling whatever makes you feel better instead of whatever makes you feel worse.

ENFPENTP wrote:Maybe PTSD?

Something like that.

How would this effect a person with SPD?

That's not really something a PD can predict, I think, especially SPD (that's what I meant earlier -- it's mostly an outdated grouping, it doesn't actually tell as much about someone as you would expect). Either way, that's gotta be traumatic in some way or another... I'd be surprised if someone, healthy or not, went through something like that and didn't at least become a million times more distrustful by default than they used to be.

Hey guys, I had an idea going through my head over the weekend about re-approaching this woman and I wanted to run it past everyone, maybe you can take the position of this woman as the receiver of the message.

How would schizoid people react, specifically women, about a friend or former love interest giving a "big reveal" about themselves to explain past behavior? I know SPD people don't usually like to reveal a lot about themselves, but what about being on the receiving end of such disclosure?

I guess I can describe the event in so you at least have some idea as to the topic.....

When I was a senior in high school I had a major knee surgery. At some point a I suffered what can only be described as a stroke while under anesthesia. It was almost as if parts of me were erased. I couldn't speak for several days (at least not very well), but my speech did come back pretty quickly, albeit not 100%. The longer term effects were to my cognitive processing, memory and emotions. I recovered a great deal within in a year for the most part, but still have difficulty with retaining information after a short period of time (days to weeks) if I am not actively using the knowledge and information I have learned.

Strangely, I am actually very intelligent regularly testing in the 140-150 range with different tests I've taken. I am very good with mechanical and spatial problems. I am also good with puzzles and recognizing patterns and sequences. I just have trouble with long term retention and occasionally speech and language.

But the weirdest thing was trying to learn how to emote again. For several months I felt very little emotionally. Only anger, and depression. Otherwise I just felt empty or "flat". It was only after several months that actual feelings of happiness and exhilaration started to creep back in as I tried to draw upon memories of when I was younger and experiencing happiness. I also had to learn appropriate and seemingly genuine responses (laughter and facial expression/smiling) until I could "reconnect" with past emotions I had prior to the incident, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I have learned my own adaptations to cover up any deficiencies. I have a career as a business development director dealing with people everyday on a regular basis, so it's not like I sound like Rainman when I talk lol. It's not perfect though. I still struggle at times verbally and in certain social situations. Also has affected my ability to read, but not terribly. As a result, my personality has taken on a sort of "obsessive" quality in that I must keep thinking and returning to information I need to retain, over and over and over again, so it will "stick", at least for a little while. This also affects my emotions in general in that I can feel a lot of anxiety and fear, that things are "getting away from me" and I feel I need to "cling", to hold on to things. Not just information, but subconsciously people and possessions too.

After writing all of this I'm not sure I want to reveal it. I don't want to frighten this woman. Reading what I just wrote sounds frightening to me to a certain degree and makes me emotional. I guess I'm not sure what to do exactly, but a large part of me wants her to know the truth if for no other reason than to give some detail as to why I acted as I did, at least in part. The problem is she may see this as a sign of weakness or future problems.

It doesn't really matter what you tell her if it's not a self-explanatory answer to the question "Why are you telling me this, and why are you telling me this now?"

emillionth wrote:It doesn't really matter what you tell her if it's not a self-explanatory answer to the question "Why are you telling me this, and why are you telling me this now?"

To explain, at least in part, why I may have been overly emotional at times. She may have also misconstrued some of my actions as being controlling or pushy. Especially given the backstory of my previous break up before her.

It could also establish a stronger level of trust by showing her that I am not afraid to be open and vulnerable, even if it might be to my detriment in our relationship.

Also, I thought that schizoids are similar to INTJs in that they have a difficult time trusting and ideally need lots of time and information to make decisions, no?

Regardless, it is a little heavy as subject matter to bring up out of the blue and may be better suited for another conversation.

Explaining it to me doesn't make it self-explanatory to her though

If she's anything like me, she wouldn't even just be thinking "why are you telling me this", but really "you want something from me by telling me this -- what is it exactly?". Voluntarily exposing yourself out of nowhere like that is just plain suspicious in practice.

emillionth wrote:Explaining it to me doesn't make it self-explanatory to her though

If she's anything like me, she wouldn't even just be thinking "why are you telling me this", but really "you want something from me by telling me this -- what is it exactly?". Voluntarily exposing yourself out of nowhere like that is just plain suspicious in practice.

Thank you for the insight. That was exactly what I was looking for. Having BPD, I am inclined to "overshare" and just lay it all out there. Not good in this case.

Not sure why I am jumping in but it's best to be open and honest. Throwing it out there where everything is clear is a good idea to me. However, it guess it depends on the subject matter. Don't expect me to reciprocate emotions cause that ain't happening.

I can agree that I am guarded so what you tell me may not be trusted right away. Actions are much louder than words.

iabsurdlyexist wrote:Not sure why I am jumping in but it's best to be open and honest. Throwing it out there where everything is clear is a good idea to me. However, it guess it depends on the subject matter. Don't expect me to reciprocate emotions cause that ain't happening.

I can agree that I am guarded so what you tell me may not be trusted right away. Actions are much louder than words.

Thank you for jumping in. I appreciate your communication and thoughts. I know what @emillionth said to be true about the information dump and "why now?" type of feeling. I guess it would be more of a follow up to the day we broke it and I told her "there were so many things I wanted to tell you". And she said very soft and sweetly "tell me now....". And I failed. I guess I wanted the chance to say all these things now, even knowing full well that it is probably the furthest thing from her mind and knowing ultimately it wouldn't make a difference to the way she thinks about me, at least in the short term.

And I definitely don't expect her to reciprocate in any fashion, except maybe with a long pause and her changing the subject lol!

I must say, this is one of the most painful and difficult situations I've ever had to deal with in a relationship. I fallen for her, like no other woman before her....but I can't tell her. I can't say it. Because I know that's the exact opposite of what she wants to hear. I don't want her to move farther away from me emotionally. Before when she asked me to tell her all my feeling and thoughts, I wasn't completely sure. My true thoughts and feelings were being overridden by extreme infatuation. It's been over 2 months since we split and now that the infatuation has went away, still miss her terribly.

A couple of searches I did last night led me back to this forum and threads that were created years ago, about the "schizoid hunger". It was really deflating, because one woman's post almost sounded like my ex was writing it.

"I'd think I had found the answer, and would throw myself into this interest/activity/person with great enthusiasm...maybe even obsession. I have reinvented myself time and time over, thinking that by changing my diet, politics, hobbies, fashion, exercise habits, geographical location, name, or living arrangements etc. that I would somehow solve something in myself. Only to realize after some time that I was no less empty or hollow than before I started. A failed attempt brought great disappointment and increased cynicism. But I would start looking again."

When I first met my ex, it was like she was someone completely different. She pursued me somewhat aggressively. We communicated obsessively for several weeks, needed each other's company all the time, then something changed in her. We still dated for several more weeks, but the quality of our conversations got poorer. At one time she would tell me everything. Then nothing. I know that she wasn't always like this, not even a few years ago, but whatever SPD tendencies she had became more intense with her trauma.

I believe she really tried with me, but her condition kicked in and she started becoming paranoid and even more guarded without any apparent reason. I got too close and she found a reason to push me away. I had no idea who she was. No idea until shortly after we broke up. I know who she is now, but I don't care. I adore her. But I also feel can't tell her, because she would see it as intrusive.

I'm really lost right now. I've been very much in my own head, like I'm starting to feel schizoid. Withdrawn, apathetic, detached. Like I don't want to feel anymore. This really sucks.