Concerned about relationships

I am concerned. In middle school I "went out" with a girl that was crushing on me, and even then I was just polite and distant and she eventually lost interest. I'm 28 now. I'm not anxious around people (my job is highly interactive with customers and coworkers) but I never connect with anyone, for any kind of relationship outside of work. I believe my dad when he says I'm the greatest thing he ever did. I am concerned because I think having a family would be great, but I don't see how it's possible with how rarely I think about getting to know people. I get home from work every day and go "Oops, didn't reach out again. Did I really want to?" Actually most days I don't even get to "Oops" and just carry on. I don't really feel why anyone would like me (or rather, why a person would like another person). I can list the personality traits of people I get along with and the fun I have talking with them -- and it is fun -- but it's obviously not enough. If it were enough I would be reaching out and not deliberating about reaching out, and wouldn't be posting about said deliberation.

Even now I'm not really asking for help in getting a friendship or romance, I'm just concerned I'll be starving for one in the future as so many others are. I guess anonymously expressing that concern to like-minded strangers counts as a first step.

Some things are great in theory or in your imagination, but not in reality. I guess it's just how it is. I think it would be awesome if I were, say, a great pianist. But even though I did have music lessons as a kid (which I actually enjoyed), I lack the natural talent and, above all, I lack the persistent dedication needed to compensate for the talent I don't have and to develop whatever talent I do actually have. If I really insisted on trying to be a pianist (or if I were pressured into it), I'd be miserable. I think it's the same thing with relationships.

If, even keeping that in mind, you still think the "what if" will keep plaguing you, then I'd say get into a relationship that seems to have at least realistic potential, and then give it your all. Do your best to maintain the relationship and to make it sustainably positive, and make it a point to really experience the highs and lows. Then, if it's "meant to be", you'll have passed the trial by fire and you'll have good foundations for a future family. And, if it's "not meant to be", then you'll know exactly why, and the "what if" won't be a question anymore.

Unctuous wrote:I am concerned. In middle school I "went out" with a girl that was crushing on me, and even then I was just polite and distant and she eventually lost interest. I'm 28 now. I'm not anxious around people (my job is highly interactive with customers and coworkers) but I never connect with anyone, for any kind of relationship outside of work. I believe my dad when he says I'm the greatest thing he ever did. I am concerned because I think having a family would be great, but I don't see how it's possible with how rarely I think about getting to know people. I get home from work every day and go "Oops, didn't reach out again. Did I really want to?" Actually most days I don't even get to "Oops" and just carry on. I don't really feel why anyone would like me (or rather, why a person would like another person). I can list the personality traits of people I get along with and the fun I have talking with them -- and it is fun -- but it's obviously not enough. If it were enough I would be reaching out and not deliberating about reaching out, and wouldn't be posting about said deliberation.

Even now I'm not really asking for help in getting a friendship or romance, I'm just concerned I'll be starving for one in the future as so many others are. I guess anonymously expressing that concern to like-minded strangers counts as a first step.

I wouldn't worry about it. Just follow your current intuition on this subject area.

Unctuous wrote:I am concerned because I think having a family would be great, but I don't see how it's possible with how rarely I think about getting to know people. I get home from work every day and go "Oops, didn't reach out again. Did I really want to?" Actually most days I don't even get to "Oops" and just carry on. I don't really feel why anyone would like me (or rather, why a person would like another person). I can list the personality traits of people I get along with and the fun I have talking with them -- and it is fun -- but it's obviously not enough. If it were enough I would be reaching out and not deliberating about reaching out, and wouldn't be posting about said deliberation.

I went through the exact same thing at your age. For several years I lived in a house with several room mates, and on weekends they would all go out, usually to bars or clubs. The drive I felt to join them and go out and meet someone was always squandered when I actually did go out, because I rarely, if ever, had fun. Because of this, over time, that drive to find someone I could connect with started to feel like an obligation, which took some of the "fun" out of it. I put the word fun in quotations because it never really was fun. As in Emillionth's example, it was more like being forced to practice piano when all I really wanted to do was listen.

Things became more difficult when I got my own place. At last, I had all of the isolation I wanted, but thinking about making the effort to reach out and try to connect wit someone became more of a chore. It's difficult to want to want something but to lack the incentive to do something about it.

The thing I never realized back then is that I was actually living the lifestyle I preferred. But the cloud created by this feeling that I shouldn't be alone prevented me from seeing that.

Do you know what finally convinced me that maybe I wasn't cut out to be in a relationship? Having them. I was bored, I felt smothered, and I constantly told myself no, this isn't the right person. Try again.

Even now I'm not really asking for help in getting a friendship or romance, I'm just concerned I'll be starving for one in the future as so many others are.

So was I.

But eventually, the constant feeling that I was missing out on something I didn't want all that badly, the guilt I began to feel for being "lazy" and staying solitary (where I was most comfortable) began to fade.

I thought about those days I would wake up and say to myself "Tonight I'm going to go out and meet someone". Those were some bad days; I knew I didn't want to go to some noisy club or dank bar. It cast a shadow over my whole day. As the day drew on, determination turned to dread. Sure, I wanted to hook up, but at what cost?

Over time, my mind put it all together, and when I finally realized deep down that it was not going to make me happy like it did for people on TV, I came to terms with it, painlessly. The passing of time has a way of helping you make up your mind about difficult, complicated things.

Your drives are a little different than mine, though. I never wanted a family. I'm hoping some of the married schizoids jump on this thread because they might be able to relate to what you're saying better than me.

Also, for what it's worth, there was no internet back when I was your age, so you have an option I never had. I'm not sure how things would have played out for me if I could have made attempts to connect without having to immerse myself in environments I found distasteful.

I would just add that it's not worth worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. A human being can function and live a fulfilling life without ever dating another human being. It is unusual, but very possible. A part of learning to deal with Schizoid Personality Disorder is coming to the full realization that you are different. It can take a while for a Schizoid to get comfortable "in their own skin".

Just focus on what you can do within the framework of having Schizoid Personality Disorder. It's best not to try and be something you're not.

I struggled along similar lines when I was younger, until I eventually realized that I prefer my own company and that other people get in the way of solitary pursuits and thus prevent me from experiencing true happiness and fulfillment in life. I did go through a phase after college where I wanted to marry and have children but I am so grateful that I did not actually go through with this plan as it would have ended in divorce and misery due to my complete lack of interest and inability to deal with people on a long term basis. I do get along fabulously with children though, and find other ways to interact with them that don't require marrying someone and being tied down in that way.