May be this girl I loved a schizoid?

emillionth wrote:I still don't understand it. Why would you go out of your way to offer unwanted help and (try to) maintain formal contact with someone who seems to be fundamentally uncomfortable with you, who currently has no formal business with you, who seems to no longer consider you part of her life, and who will probably be angry with you for intruding in her family life?

Cause i don't understand why not.
Try to think as me: she was the most important person in my life in the last two years. I have never wanted to be the same for her.
But, damn, why you were so impolite with me? If she didn't want to see me anymore, why didn't meet me a last time as i want?
It's totally unreasonable.

The fact is i have already decided to not contact her after the last meeting i asked her for to give me back what she owed me. And i said her this intention. So, why did she block me?

For that i thought about a disorder, considering the tales of her parents.

If the goal is to actually help her, you're probably doing the opposite. And if the goal is to actually get to talk to her again, then you're definitely not improving your chances. It's a lose-lose situation.

I know...i think that's so bad...i would have liked to remain in good relationship between us, also not contacting her anymore.
She was anyway the first girl i have ever loved...and i was so kind with her...

Italianguy wrote:Try to think as me: she was the most important person in my life in the last two years. I have never wanted to be the same for her.
But, damn, why you were so impolite with me?

Oh believe me, I've been through similar but much worse situations with a girl.

Italianguy wrote:why didn't meet me a last time as i want?

And why didn't you just forget about her entirely as she wants?...

Because you don't always get what you want.

She was immature (but then again, she's 18, so... that's normal). You can be better than her and not be immature. Let it go. Learn to accept loss and rejection. It's part of life.

@Italianguy Yes, she should have paid you. Yes, she's an immature teen. Yes, you need to move on. No, emillionth wasn't being rude. *hah irony here I realised I misunderstood you were meaning the girl was rude* No, I did understand your English perfectly otherwise and yes, I also feel you're using that as a way to wave away answers you don't prefer since you don't specify which bits are misunderstood. If there are any misunderstandings of what I wrote then yes you can quote and ask.

No, I don't believe you'll find anyone here saying you should keep trying to fix her.

Sorry if this comes off as snappy but I've been in situations that people wouldn't leave me alone like you're doing with her. They didn't take no for an answer even when I explained it. It isn't fair or logical for either of you to have to deal with this so why not start something elsewhere without her?

Philonoe wrote:ok i understand. Apparently nothing happened and suddenly you were blocked.

Exactly.

So they seem to have lost contact with her.

Yeah, but i don't think it's so strange to believe, cause i noted this indifference with me too. But when i was at her home, she seemed to appreciate (surely to not disdain) my presence there.
She also laughed sometimes when i was with her.
Or the day of her tests she wrote me to inform me about it, and when she was very happy of the result she demonstrated in our chat. So i don't think she didn't like me.

For that i could'nt understand why she blocked me...suddenly and without gave me any explanation.

From what you told it's difficult to know if it depends on her or on you and her.

I mean : personally i don't fit criterias for spd (and i post here very occasionally) but if someone comes too close, i can become more and more sintetic and distant.

That was what likely brought her to react in that way, cause i tried to press on her for a last meeting after her exam, to close our relationship.

ok - and you were hurt, i imgine.

Of course.

Personally i find it intrusive.
Like i said, i found all the story with the parents intrusive.
I understand that you talked to them and i imagine they gave you the money when you were there.

But remember i never asked them to tell me how her daughter is. So, it's not my fault.
I didn't want to be intrusive...even if it was better for me, to realize she is not the girl i thought before.

We don't know about her story. If she blocked you she probably had some need to protect herself and didn't find other way to do so. Talking to the parents and talking about her and trying to diagnose her is somehow coming closer to her although she clearly needed more space.

1) She blocked me before having talked to her parents;
2) I didn't diagnose her,i just explain an hypothesis of compatibility of her being to SPD, and i'm asking if it could be here. I have never exposed it to her or her parents;
3) I didn't find any reason to explain why she did so...no one. The only possible one is that i tried to press on her to be closer to her, or at least for a closure of our relationship (but she owed money and that book).

Plus she is a teenager. It's difficult to create or keep the contact with a teenager. That sort of attitudes is perfect to lose contact with them plus make them lose contact with health services in general.
It seems to me.

I know, they were just concerned about her daughter.
She doesn't talk to them for nothing. For example, they didn't know she started to work during night, so one night she disappeared without any explanation and they were very worried about her.
It's weird. Her parents told me they went also to police one time, but i never asked for that tale, cause (as i said before) i didn't want to be so intrusive. It was a their decision to tell me about her daughter...

For instance deciding that a group of people lacks empathy.

Stop, a moment: i didn't want to say that lesbians lack of empathy.
I meant she was lesbian, but i don't think that particular could explain her lack of empathy towards me, cause i liked her.

So it was somehow nice experience for you. She made you get out of depression, then you like her parents.

Right, but at the same time nont so good. In all these monts i was unhappy of our relationship, cause she was icy. But i never said her about it, cause i really wanted to help her till her final exam she sustained one month ago. And i know also that, if i had tried to press on her, she likely would have blocked me, cause it was not the first time. She became very impolite when i tried to press on her (for example asking her why she blocked me the first time one year ago, or when i proposed her for an ice-cream without any other purpose.

I still didn't understand why you want to discuss the diagnosis. For her, for them or for you?

For her and her family. Maybe it could be helpful. Cause her parents were very concerned, cause they think (and they did in past) she will do anything rash.

I think - plus if you would become health practioner - it's very important to think quite deeply about those two topics. Because for me, among the best qualities for practitioners - and people in general probably - are infinite respect, in the sense of respect of the person with their need for space - and see the person you talk to as unique.

I'm a person like that. The generalizations you read are surely fault of my english...it's difficult for me to telling and explain using this language. Even if i am quite good.
So, pls, i repeat, ask me if you think you could misunderstand what i wrote.

You don't talk about being hurt. You talk about some money due (and paid by parents?) and how she can belong to dsm.

Take me some questions, and i'll answer!

That's the same. And you are the one who went to their home

It was necessary: she has also a book i gave her, and i wanted it back. I should go there again, actually, cause she wasn't at home that day, so her parents didn't find it.
She didn't pay me also, so i had to go to her home for money after having blocked me.

I'm surprised that you don't get that. If i try to keep some distance with a man and he'd come talk to my neighbours, i would be more then upset.

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Ok, but it's polite to explain the reasons of that decision. It's not kind to open your chat one day, and finding out that a friend blocked you suddenly.

-- Wed Aug 01, 2018 2:00 am --

emillionth wrote:Oh believe me, I've been through similar but much worse situations with a girl.

I'm sorry.

She was immature (but then again, she's 18, so... that's normal). You can be better than her and not be immature. Let it go. Learn to accept loss and rejection. It's part of life.

Ok, infact i haven't contacted her anymore since that day, or i have tried to do so.

I was just thinking about the reasons. We were friends for more than one year. And no person have ever treated me in this way.

The only thing i want form her are some explanations at most. But no more.

anathegram wrote:I understand the feeling of wanting to help someone, but you can't help someone who doesn't want your help. She probably doesn't even need help. She's in school, she's employed, she's in a relationship. I feel obliged to say that's a lot more socially involved than most of us here.

Honestly, the best, most supportive thing you can do for her right now is put the whole thing aside and move on. I know you're confused by what happened, justifiably so, but I don't think you'll find any satisfying answers right now.

Thank you so much for your opinion.

Believe me, it's very difficult to express my ideas in english. It would be difficult in italian too, just think about that!

Ok, i'm doing that. But i'd like to understand the reasons behind her behaviours, for that i thought about SPD, given i study medicine.

Sh was very impolite. She could also tell me directly she didn't like me. It was the same, but at least she should have blocked me after saying that.

Italianguy wrote:The only thing i want form her are some explanations at most. But no more.

That's probably the most common feeling/thought in the world after the end of a relationship, or after it becomes clear that a desired relationship simply won't happen. Your situation isn't unique or extraordinary. And it's probably not the last time that it will happen to you. You think "if only [something], then it wouldn't feel so bad", but it would, and you'd just be thinking "if only [something else], then it wouldn't feel so bad". There's no pleasant or satisfying end or conclusion to a (potential) relationship. It's just how it is.

-- 01 Aug 2018, 01:16 --

Italianguy wrote:But i'd like to understand the reasons behind her behaviours, for that i thought about SPD, given i study medicine.

That's a dead end. There's no other way to put it. It's just a dead end. You won't learn anything or help anyone trying to analyze the situation that way.

She could also tell me directly she didn't like me.

Try to put yourself in her situation: how awful is it if you have to tell someone to their face that you don't like them? It's the kind of situation that almost everyone will have the instinct to avoid if they can. They'll try to "say" it indirectly instead, through their behavior or through their lack of response.

Holodeck wrote:She probably picked up on those feelings, became extremely uncomfortable and but she knew she needed you to tutor her so blocked you after.

Very impolite if it was so. Cause i helped her for nine months. And i said her my feelings for the opposite reason, to feel her more comfortable, cause it was obvious i liked her very much, but the onl thing i wanted was to know her by helping her, for just her gratitude.

My grandfather died of cancer. I acted the same way.

Ok, but her mother said me she was indifferent and very impolite when they needed for help from her.

You do not know how her parents are behind closed doors.
I'm not saying this is how her parents are. They could very well be fantastic parents. Remember though that abuse doesn't always look like terrible parenting.

I know. My parents also are different behind closed doors.
But something is always visible. Anyway, why she was impolite with me, also considering the hypothesis she has got bad parents?

She didn't want to talk to you. You made her uncomfortable with feelings she didn't reciprocate. Move on. She wasn't using you. You were feeling a compulsive need to tell her something and not getting closure due to her not playing to your obsession with her.

The opposite! I was searching for a good closure with her, cause i was disrupted to tolerate her icy character with me.

Like the others have said, we can't diagnose. I feel you're too close and are looking for any reason to understand why she would ignore you

I never asked for this hypothesis here f i didn't recognise in her behaviour with everyone (after her parents told me that) the criteria of SPD. She would respect at least four of those ones.
I don't want to diagnose, for that i could have done by my own. I just want to know if her character could be compatible to SPD.

She might have intimacy issues with her girlfriend but again, if she says she's a lesbian and you're throwing out signals that you're in love with her (even if you don't say it), that will make a person extremely uncomfortable. That goes for schizoid or not.

I said her since the first moment about her feelings. She gave me her phone number despite she knew that.
After having explained her my intentions (my will to help her till her final exam cause i liked her and i'd like her to remember me at least for that, cause i knew she would never have felt something for me), she thanked me. And our relationship became more friendly. That month i also met her for the first time to help her for a test.

Oh my gawd right?! I mean she says she's into both but clearly she's lesbian! She's obviously using this "other guy" who probably not even real as a means to throw you off. She couldn't really be into both! I mean you're such a stalker! *Cough* excuse me. I meant to say catch. Such a catch. *Cough*

What? Can you explain better that? I didn't understand. I think you didn't understand too, for that. But i want to be sure, my capacity of understanding english has limits.

If the "lesbian" was cold to her distant girlfriend she might very well be trying to protect herself from sad feelings. I've been in distant relationships and was like that with each one (two in total).

A question: if a person is sad, it should serach for some consult with other one. Isn't it?

As a bisexual, saying confused about her preferences is insulting. If she avoided the argument that means she doesn't want to talk about her orientation. There are a lot of misunderstandings and fetishizations about bisexuals that grow tedious to try to explain such as why we rarely bother telling people that we're bisexual, why we rarely end up in same sex relationships, why we can't often say we're bisexual to partners, and why we know we aren't confused. It's exhausting.

No,a moment!!

You toally misunderstood what i wanted to say!!

1) When i wrote "confused" i was referring about the idea she didn't understand her sexual orientation (one year ago, she said that, not me!) cause she actually didn't fell any sexual attraction to anyone. But it was just an hypothesis!!
She said on socials she is lesbian with no problems, at the moment.
2) I made this hypothesis cause i read that no sex attraction is a peculiarity of SPD, and on her socials she said she never answered to sex questions or took part to sex discussion with friends cause she didn't have any interest in those.
And that she didn't really feel very much attraction towards her girlfriends.

But it's just an hypothesis, and i don't want you to have thought i have some prejudicies about LGBTs!!

Pls, be indulgent, i'm so tired now.
I hope you won't understand something i don't want to intend, pls ask me if you have some doubt. I'm tired, here it's 4 AM...

Don't. Let her move out and be happy without having her parents harassing her with how a kid in college who she blocked for making her uncomfortable mentioned she might have SPD when she may actually need to get away from them completely without extra guilt.

Are you always so polite with a stranger?
You don't need to be so sarchastic with me to explain your concept.
Thank you for it, anyway.

Hey! Guess what? My mom did with me too! She took me out the second the therapist suggested me being ok if I moved out! I was around 17 or 18 at the time too. When her friends asked how it went she pretended she was anti-psych and that therapy wasn't for me.

Thank you for your tale. Very interesting. Why did he suggest you so?

There are all sorts of personalities with each sexual orientation dear. I mean jeez. I can't count how many types of PD's I've seen in (supposedly because some might be confused) "straight people".
Chances are she's not homosexual. Bisexuals don't have to be more homo/heterosexual but like every other sexual orientation out there...they don't want people they aren't attracted to making them uncomfortable with unwanted feelings either.

I understood from this part of your answer that you might understand i meant PD are just in homosexual people.
No, it wasn't what i meant.
I agree with you.

Just a question: what did you mean here?
Chances are she's not homosexual. Bisexuals don't have to be more homo/heterosexual but like every other sexual orientation out there...they don't want people they aren't attracted to making them uncomfortable with unwanted feelings either.

It sounds like you chose her to be homosexual because if you can't have her she shouldn't be sexually attracted to any man.

No, it was her that said everyone she was bisex two years ago, and lesbian since few monts.
Sorry if you have understood so. I said, my english is not so good...

You know nothing about her situation. Don't.

Ok. Thank you for your opinion.

Aside from it being awful to talk behind her back to parents as if she didn't know better her parents may very well be the problem and you don't want to make that a bigger problem for her if you truly do love her. Treat her like an equal not as if you and her mom and dad know better.

I'd do, but i don't know if she would talk to me. How can i?
I know is awful, but i didn't ask her parents to tell me her daughter's secrets. They started to tell me. What is my fault?

So far I haven't read love in so much as clingy objectification.

Why?

Different point of view:

Instead of her parents demonizing her to side with you, perhaps they were trying to drive you off in a way that met up with your thoughts.

You: She blocked me and is emotionless acting like she doesn't want anything to do with me! After all, I'm totally not a stalker who gives off those creepy vibes!

Parents: Yep. That's her. Give up kid. She doesn't like anyone. She has a medical condition of lack of heart. We tested but we'll do further tests to let you know. Don't worry about contacting us. We'll call you. Don't worry we're parents who check these things out. You're leaving her in good hands. Bye now!

They didn't say me "she has a medical condition of lack of heart". It was what i thought after having added their experience with her to mine. I didn't want them to take her more tests. Maybe it is a good reason to give them an opinion about her daughter. So they could communicate with her better (or not invade her more, cause probably they do not knowing her will to be left alone).

Ahhh ok so you clearly didn't start the conversation rolling into the topic of how her parents felt about her. Oh wait...

No. I just asked them money, telling them i was sorry for the sudden visit in their house without notice cause her daughter blocked me without explanation that morning, and i didn't know how to say them i was coming there.
Obviously i said she was very impolite, but it was the truth.

I'll do my best to answer this when I'm more awake. Sorry but was a long day and I work early.

How about trying to distract yourself for now with a book, movie or music? <3

emillionth wrote:That's probably the most common feeling/thought in the world after the end of a relationship, or after it becomes clear that a desired relationship simply won't happen. Your situation isn't unique or extraordinary. And it's probably not the last time that it will happen to you. You think "if only [something], then it wouldn't feel so bad", but it would, and you'd just be thinking "if only [something else], then it wouldn't feel so bad". There's no pleasant or satisfying end or conclusion to a (potential) relationship. It's just how it is.

Not for me. Believe me. I was a person which accepts every idea, including the end of a relationship, but only after an explanation.
It was not the first time, you are right. But it was the first time with no explanation, and this fact made me felt so bad. Not now, i'm feeling ok infact after her parents talked to me.

-- 01 Aug 2018, 01:16 --

That's a dead end. There's no other way to put it. It's just a dead end. You won't learn anything or help anyone trying to analyze the situation that way.

Thank you for your advice. Obviously i won't help anyone without its ok, but i think it is a physician duty to advice someone for better controls. Anyway, i know, she never asked me for it. Don't worry, i realised

Try to put yourself in her situation: how awful is it if you have to tell someone to their face that you don't like them? It's the kind of situation that almost everyone will have the instinct to avoid if they can. They'll try to "say" it indirectly instead, through their behavior or through their lack of response.

She said me very clearly she wasn't interested to go out with me for nothing, when i proposed her a simple ice-cream. She also was a lil impolite, cause she was close to block me that time, and i don't know why too: i just answered her it was all ok, and to be not worried about me, cause i would have continued to help her at school as i promised her months before till her final exam.

So i don't think it is the case. Don't you?

-- Wed Aug 01, 2018 3:19 am --

Holodeck wrote:I'll do my best to answer this when I'm more awake. Sorry but was a long day and I work early.

How about trying to distract yourself for now with a book, movie or music? <3

Oh sure!!

I'm going to sleep, here it's 4 AM...i'm tired too. Maybe a movie, why not?

Thank you, anyway.

Just a curiosity, how is my english? One day i will go outside Italy for my med studied, maybe, so i'm curious abiut your judgement about my english abilities.

Italianguy wrote:but i think it is a physician duty to advice someone for better controls.

No no, I really don't think that's part of a physician's duty. If you don't separate your work life and your personal life, you'll drive yourself and everybody else crazy. You offer advice when it's your job, and, when it's not your job, you don't. Unless you're doing it as a friend, which is simply not the case.

She said me very clearly she wasn't interested to go out with me for nothing, when i proposed her a simple ice-cream. She also was a lil impolite, cause she was close to block me that time, and i don't know why too: i just answered her it was all ok, and to be not worried about me, cause i would have continued to help her at school as i promised her months before till her final exam.

The explanation seems very obvious to me. She was uncomfortable because she sensed that you "liked her in that kind of way", and she just wanted your help with school. You told her not to worry about it, even though you really did have a crush on her. You also told me you're not fixating on her, even though you still write bible-long essays about her, so.... What conclusion am I to take from this other than that you are in denial about your feelings and about how "under control" your feelings are? Clearly she saw it too. And she didn't want to deal with that kind of trouble.