May be this girl I loved a schizoid?

Holodeck wrote:Italian culture lacks personal space. They all are like this.

I don't know if you're being mostly sarcastic or only a little bit sarcastic, but the sad thing is that that's actually a lot closer to being true than the statement about all lesbians lacking empathy.

anathegram wrote:When I was that age, if someone had kept trying to meet with me, and talked to my parents about me, and my parents had started acting on those discussions… I'm not sure what would have happened, but it wouldn't have been good.

Same for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7UXvnSLtyU

Italianguy wrote:

I don't know her. The only thing that appear in your message is that she wants you to leave her in peace. That seems very clear.

I know, infact i want to respect that. But she was very mportant for me. So i'd like to tell her parents about my hypothesis, just to propose them a new strategy of communication with her daughter without going to some psychologists. Maybe she also could take more awareness about her by examing her inside.

So, in short, you want to respect it... but you won't?

Let it go. Leave her be. It doesn't matter if she does or doesn't have problems that you might possibly be able to help her with. She doesn't want your help. Accept it and move on. If you have unresolved feelings about her, then it's up to you to deal with those feelings. She doesn't owe you closure.

emillionth wrote:

Holodeck wrote:Italian culture lacks personal space. They all are like this.

I don't know if you're being mostly sarcastic or only a little bit sarcastic, but the sad thing is that that's actually a lot closer to being true than the statement about all lesbians lacking empathy.

It is just a prejudice. I don't know how other people of the world are, so it might be true. But i don't think it is negative at all. As everything, it has its positive and negative aspects.

I have problems to speak in English, cause it is not my first language, even if i have a certification of B2 (PET).
So, please, be indulgent. I read in some of your answers different misunderstandings. So, pls, ask me when you think i want to intend somenthing, cause it might be not what i actually intended...we have the obstacle of the language between us. I'll try on mine to do the best.

It is a necessary premise.

-- Tue Jul 31, 2018 11:30 pm --

emillionth wrote:So, in short, you want to respect it... but you won't?

Let it go. Leave her be. It doesn't matter if she does or doesn't have problems that you might possibly be able to help her with. She doesn't want your help. Accept it and move on. If you have unresolved feelings about her, then it's up to you to deal with those feelings. She doesn't owe you closure.

I don't have unresolved feelings about her.

But yeah, she owed me closure for politeness. I did a lot for her in these months, so blocking me without any reason and suddenly it's the worst action someone have ever done to me.
She blocked me without having paid me too. Despite my work for her.

I have already dealt with those feelings last year, when she blocked me at the beginning of our knowing (but it is another story...and that time too she blocked me without any reason and suddenly).
I was sad all last summer. I didn't deserve that. At least, if you want to block me, i expect you for some explanations.
Infact, after her parents gave me (i'm referring now to the recent events), i haven't tried to persist more with her.

Italianguy wrote:It is just a prejudice. I don't know how other people of the world are, so it might be true. But i don't think it is negative at all. As everything, it has its positive and negative aspects.

Well, I wouldn't say that it's just a stereotype. Even coming from an Italian family myself (where lack of personal boundaries have always been a problem), it was quite the cultural shock when I came into direct contact with present-day Italian culture. I just wanted to get away from it as soon as possible. Even people who were clearly well-meaning and respectful seemed to have a lot of difficulty understanding that I wanted to spend time alone. They wanted to help me "feel at home", but they were doing the exact opposite.

I guess you're right that it's not necessarily all bad. When it works well, what many people will see as "intrusion" or "meddling" can also work as "taking care of each other". But for people raised in cultures where individuality or personal space are important values, it's almost impossible to see it as anything other than disrespectful/abusive invasion of privacy. And if that girl consistently acts reserved and detached as you say, and never shows appreciation for unsolicited help, then chances are that she also feels the same way about it, even if she wasn't raised that way.

So, please, be indulgent. I read in some of your answers different misunderstandings. So, pls, ask me when you think i want to intend somenthing, cause it might be not what i actually intended...we have the obstacle of the language between us. I'll try on mine to do the best.

The thing is, you said you want to respect her wish to be left alone, but, right after that, you also said that you'd like to talk even more to her parents about her. I can only see that as a direct violation of her wish.

-- 31 Jul 2018, 22:53 --

Italianguy wrote:I don't have unresolved feelings about her.

Why are you still fixated on her, then?

But yeah, she owed me closure for politeness.

I don't know if it's culture clash or what, but, to me, that seems like a very strange idea. You can say she was impolite, sure. I won't argue with that. And it's totally normal for you to resent her for that. But I can't see why she would have the obligation to be polite when she doesn't want to see you.

anathegram wrote:That's a fair distinction, but imagining myself in that situation, I'm not sure I would feel any better. With my parents initiating it, I might actually feel worse.

Yeah, I can imagine. I might feel worse too.

But it's not my fault if her parents began to tell me about her without having asked them for that. I mean they started to talk to me...i wasn't searching for that.

However, i don't judge her. I don't think she is a not good person, never thought. I also said something private about me and my family to them (for instance about some problems).
So she should't be ashamed for that.

I've experienced those things before, but not all from the same person. Honestly, I don't know how I would react. I don't like being a jerk to people… but sometimes "not being a jerk" is a low priority.

She was very unpolite with me. She also had a book i gave her to help her in maths that she knew i wanted back...
After her exam i tried to know her better a lil, but i noted a sort of wall, so i directly asked her for a day i would be gone her home to be paid and to give me back that book.
She never answered, and when i asked for a day for the third time (in a week), she blocked me. I think this behaviour it's unreasonable, also cause after it (as i explained to her lots of times in the last months) i would not have bothered her.

So, in your opinion, why she reacted in this way?

The most recent person who tried to get to know me better in real life probably didn't love me (since we'd only just met) but she clearly wanted to be friends. She asked me out a couple times.

I really loved her. She was my first love. I would have prefered a better ending. For example "thank you for the help you gave me all this year". I just wanted this.

For fear? Maybe. I need a lot of time alone. I didn't want to risk losing that time.

Thank you for your opinion. But-i'm thinking-why did she react so? It was very unpolite...i don't think she hated me, considering she was so close to me just few days ago for her exams and she continued to talk to me also for three days after it...

Your English is definitely better than my Italian!

Thank you! Pls, if you don't understand something, or you are unsure about a concept i expressed, tell me.
The differenc of language is a very big obstacle, and i don't want to create discussion about misunderstandings.

emillionth wrote:They wanted to help me "feel at home", but they were doing the exact opposite.

Yeah, it's something like that
But it's not the rule. It depends on family. Basically yeah, it's more probably to have an italian family which pressed on you than the opposite.

Her family wasn't so. I'm the first to be sensitive to that, cause i have some problems with food (i'm lil a picky eater ), and it's an attitude of italians to ask you for tasting their food. But her family wasn't intrusive with me. I was positive impressed for that.

And if that girl consistently acts reserved and detached as you say, and never shows appreciation for unsolicited help, then chances are that she also feels the same way about it, even if she wasn't raised that way.

I really understood, but her family seemed to respect her.
It's her daughter who is impolite with them...and with everybody (i'm not the first person to be blocked by her).

Why are you still fixated on her, then?

Cause i'd like to mantain a formal contact with her. I'm not fixated anyway, just i didn't understand why.

But I can't see why she would have the obligation to be polite when she doesn't want to see you.

Cause i spent a lot of hours helping her? It's just the minimum. It's politeness.

I still don't understand it. Why would you go out of your way to offer unwanted help and (try to) maintain formal contact with someone who seems to be fundamentally uncomfortable with you, who currently has no formal business with you, who seems to no longer consider you part of her life, and who will probably be angry with you for intruding in her family life?

If the goal is to actually help her, you're probably doing the opposite. And if the goal is to actually get to talk to her again, then you're definitely not improving your chances. It's a lose-lose situation.

Italianguy wrote:So, in your opinion, why she reacted in this way?

I don't know. She's a teenager, right? It could be anything. Maybe she just wants more independence.

I understand the feeling of wanting to help someone, but you can't help someone who doesn't want your help. She probably doesn't even need help. She's in school, she's employed, she's in a relationship. I feel obliged to say that's a lot more socially involved than most of us here.

Honestly, the best, most supportive thing you can do for her right now is put the whole thing aside and move on. I know you're confused by what happened, justifiably so, but I don't think you'll find any satisfying answers right now.

emillionth wrote:

Holodeck wrote:Italian culture lacks personal space. They all are like this.

I don't know if you're being mostly sarcastic or only a little bit sarcastic, but the sad thing is that that's actually a lot closer to being true than the statement about all lesbians lacking empathy.

Yeah, I'm not sure where that bad attempt of a silly analogy came from. It should have been something more along the lines how all Italians always eat at Olive Garden for every meal or some such.