Do You Isolate Yourself?

@StickyFingers

If things have gone the way you described then you ignoring him isn't in any way ghosting. Ghosting is when you don't want to confront someone so you avoid and hide yourself to the point of fading from their memory. This normally has the reverse affect where each person feels they could have done better, both feel guilt etc.

You have mentioned your issues to him several times versus a person ghosting who will pretend they didn't notice someone trying to reach out to them. If he can't act like an adult then there's nothing left for you to do than walk away.

Him being the type you described makes me think you should cut ties even more. Being rude might cause him to get stupid resentful impulsive ideas. That would make things much worse.

Holodeck wrote:Ghosting is when you don't want to confront someone so you avoid and hide yourself to the point of fading from their memory. This normally has the reverse affect where each person feels they could have done better, both feel guilt etc.

I haven't kept up with this thread. Ghosting! I never heard that term. I'm very good at it. In fact, I am a master.

For some reason, despite my preference to appear unapproachable, over the years I've had people who latch onto me. They hover like a mosquito. To defeat this, I amp up my aloofness or look for subtle cues of things are important to them and make a point to completely ignore these things. When people try to get close to me, I sometimes view it as a threat or, at the very least, an invasion. I am very careful about whom I chose to expose myself to or trust, and I just don't understand how people can regularly and so casually put their heart on the line. I try to make sure I'm not giving off cues that I am receptive to them, and being intrinsically reserved and introverted, I'd say I do this pretty well and with a minimum of effort.

I tell myself it's preferable to being honest. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. But it occurs to me now that ghosting someone is probably more hurtful than saying "Look, I'm sorry but you bore me. You make my eyes glaze over. Go away." People do want closure. It's a part of the structure of social interaction that I never understood. If I happen to realize I haven't heard from someone in a while, I think "Ahh, good. Closure."

I originally thought your comment about ghosting being a way to avoid confrontation was inaccurate, but after writing the above I see that you're right.

Gosh, I learn so much about myself here.

naps wrote:I am very careful about whom I chose to expose myself to or trust, and I just don't understand how people can regularly and so casually put their heart on the line. I try to make sure I'm not giving off cues that I am receptive to them, and being intrinsically reserved and introverted, I'd say I do this pretty well and with a minimum of effort.

My theory is that our kind is the type they enjoy because we aren't likely to be much more than maybe a bit rude and aloof. Being introverted and reserved seems to often be considered as unwilling to say something they can't emotionally handle. They like being able to talk at someone even if the person isn't emotionally invested in the conversation. Most won't be able to easily handle long stretches of that but schizoids can set their brains to "aloof inner-self mode" and worst case scenario is we have to say "Oh, can you repeat that?"

I've noted that most take it upon themselves to tell me how I should act. I got over it for the most part because I know why they do it. There are a couple of reasons. Basically put, it's somewhere between Henry Higgins and Florence Nightingale syndrome. They're either egotistic enough to believe everyone should act the way they want or they see my actions as some sort of signal that I'm needing someone to help fix me.

Some don't openly say that's why but I can tell they're trying when they ask me questions. They try to connect and that's where things really get awkward. It branches into two separate directions.

1) They ask about my current life (eg. if I have a boyfriend, my occupation, how old I am) and immediately can't feel we have anything in common. No matter who I'm talking to and no matter their age I feel like I'm extremely old and listening to a person prattle on about things I feel I don't have the energy for anymore. I know it's not one of those "adults in their 20's/30's saying 'Omg I'm so old!' things either because these people I'm being talked at are way more able to do things that I'd be into doing...if I could access those things easily with my old person mentality's walker.

2) The other is when they try relating through personal issues. This one is less about me but they're still assuming there's a bit of me that they can project themselves off of. When I hear the beginning of the sentence "Don't you hate it when" I typically stick to "Right?!", "Yeah, I never know how to react.", "Mmmhmm.", "Yup, that's crazy how nature do dat.", etc. This leaves my mind numb to the core. I can give advise but I have a nasty habit of actually conveying how much life experience I've had. I've had way more than the average person at my age and at a traumatic as hell level. My psychologist and I agree that I have c-PTSD but when she learned I became more depressed when she mentioned me having a bit of PTSD as well she seemed to leave it as c-PTSD and work on both while calling it that.

Sometimes I'll somewhat enjoy the conversation when they can identify with one another but I tend to go too far. I don't realize it until I notice they have a 1000 yard stare. I don't look people in the eye much unless I'm making them understand they need to take something seriously so it takes me off guard when I see them react like that. That's gotten better recently so I suspect it's akin to my ADHD.

naps wrote:For some reason, despite my preference to appear unapproachable, over the years I've had people who latch onto me. They hover like a mosquito. To defeat this, I amp up my aloofness or look for subtle cues of things are important to them and make a point to completely ignore these things.

I really need to make more of an effort to be cold and aloof. The problem is that on the rare occasions when I am forced to be social, I feel really awkward and bored, so I entertain myself by listening to people's stories (it's literally exactly like reading a book for me, or watching tv) and this comes off as extroversion, empathy and/or genuine interest in people which leads to so many problems because then people end up wanting me to keep in touch, or hang out with them.

Yeah I think I get too tempted to open up and chat sometimes. It makes me feel "loose" and vulnerable, even mentally unstable. I often even get unmotivated to do anything after some period of socializing. With my few close friends/family, sure, but not with most people. I find most people to be very boring at best, at worst, vicious predator apes. I know to stay away.

CityMouse wrote:I asked my shrink if I'm schizoid and she said no, I'm worse, I'm schizophrenic, though I don't hallucinate per se, just excessively daydream about being screwed over by other people. So I distract myself/keep busy and isolate myself from people as much as possible, which, strangely enough, my therapist suggested. I love it. I don't trust people. I'm polite to them as I don't want any trouble, just peace.

Do you isolate yourself?

Yeah...my isolation is due to deriving more pleasure by being on my own and isolated. I derive the most pleasure by being alone and drinking alcohol.

I Dream 5 wrote:Yeah...my isolation is due to deriving more pleasure by being on my own and isolated. I derive the most pleasure by being alone and drinking alcohol.

I feel that way too. I've decided to talk to a specialist, to see his perspective on that. Some people on the forum seems to live quiet well in that way. I just think it can be "dangerous" on the long term, to isolate myself. And I don't know why, but this week, I have a craving for cigarettes (I know, smoking, it's not classy, it kills, and all of that). It's been almost 2 years now since I stopped. I just think about it so much, I was so calm when I was smoking. I miss a bit of that feeling...
Drugs always had/has strong effects on me. Even alcohol. I feel so good when i'm not completly sober.

StickyFingers wrote:

I Dream 5 wrote:Yeah...my isolation is due to deriving more pleasure by being on my own and isolated. I derive the most pleasure by being alone and drinking alcohol.

I feel that way too. I've decided to talk to a specialist, to see his perspective on that. Some people on the forum seems to live quiet well in that way. I just think it can be "dangerous" on the long term, to isolate myself. And I don't know why, but this week, I have a craving for cigarettes (I know, smoking, it's not classy, it kills, and all of that). It's been almost 2 years now since I stopped. I just think about it so much, I was so calm when I was smoking. I miss a bit of that feeling...
Drugs always had/has strong effects on me. Even alcohol. I feel so good when i'm not completly sober.

Yeah...I have to admit nothing beats not being sober lol... The World can be a bit too much sometimes. Some of us have to "tap in" to another side from time to time. I would warn against drinking everyday though (for health/Psychological) reasons. I'd also advise drinking water while drinking alcohol and having a good, full meal afterwards (as well as getting enough sleep).

I Dream 5 wrote:Yeah...I have to admit nothing beats not being sober lol... The World can be a bit too much sometimes. Some of us have to "tap in" to another side from time to time. I would warn against drinking everyday though (for health/Psychological) reasons. I'd also advise drinking water while drinking alcohol and having a good, full meal afterwards (as well as getting enough sleep).

I try.. lol I often feel dead inside, i'm so apathetic. Iit's weird. This is why when a take alchohol I feel better. I know it's bad...