Schizoid or Avoidant? Schizotypal?

Hi all,

I haven't posted here in a long time. I'm just looking for some guidance because I feel like something has always been wrong with me but I want to figure out what specifically it is.

Background: I had my first major depressive episode at 14, entering into highschool. I had a severe panic attack on my first day where my entire body, head to toe, broke into a cold sweat. Even my arms and forearms were drenched. Panic attacks followed, where I would throw up food, go into a fight or flight mode at seemingly normal situations. The depression came along with it of course. I would cry for hours because I was scared of what was going to happen in the future. I was afraid of failing school, dropping out and becoming homeless. I had suicidal thoughts and had trouble waking up in the morning. If I wasn't in a state of panic, I felt empty and dead inside.
I went to a therapist and psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on antidepressants but they didn't do much. Therapy didn't help either, so I stopped going to that too.

Fast forward 8 years to today. I feel a lot more stable now, but I can't really say I'm not depressed or anxious. I have basically adapted my life to avoid situations that give me anxiety or make me depressed. I have managed to keep 2-3 friends, though as a child I had many friends and lost 95% of them during highschool. I only meet them once a month, maybe even less. I spend the vast majority of my time alone, not talking to anyone. Before, during the beginning of my university (age 18), I did want to make friends and I tried hard, but none of them really "stuck". I can't describe it well, but no matter how much I tried, that friendship connection never was established, I was at best just an acquaintance. I have poor social skills afforded by my anxiety and frustration. I felt like there was this invisible barrier between me and the rest of the world. I never had that knack for getting people to keep talking to me, and I felt it was too much effort to keep trying, not to mention it made me appear desperate (which I hated).

So I stopped. I felt pangs of loneliness once in a blue moon, but what bothered me the most was walking around alone while everyone else had friends walking with them. I believed they were looking at me oddly, and they were mocking me for being a loser, and they thought I was creepy. No one ever said this to me, but these thoughts always occurred in my head and still do. I became wary around others and felt a vague suspicion of them, my goal was generally to get away from them as fast as possible and be alone again. I spent most of my time in my home in my head. I had and still have very elaborate fantasies in my head. I have an imaginary girlfriend whom I fulfill most of my social needs with. These fantasies are very vivid and cause me to talk to myself for hours on end. Sometimes they're so real that I forget I'm in the real world. It's an odd feeling when I "return" to this world, sometimes I get scared because I'll come back alone in a quiet room and wonder if it's real. These fantasies sometimes come upon me in public when I'm not paying attention, especially if I have my headphones in.
I have also been strongly interested in conspiracy theories and religion/the occult since I was 14. For some reason I end up believing the most ridiculous theories, I suspect it's because I feel so disconnected from reality that I have a hard time telling what's real and fake. I occasionally have "magical thinking" but it's definitely not something that occupies me. I do enjoy listening to religious music and desire to go into a trance and meet spirits.
I've been smoking weed since I was 19 every day. It's better now, I've cut down but if there's weed in the house I will definitely smoke it. I like getting drunk and high because it occasionally makes me dissociate. I've done shrooms as well and had a near death experience before. It made me feel very happy about life but in retrospect, it made me stop caring about pretty much everything. I'm just biding my time waiting to die.

Anyways, this post is really long so I don't blame you if you didn't read all of it. If you did however, and you feel like commenting, do you have any idea what's wrong with me? For the record, I don't know if I have any intention of "improving". Becoming normal seems difficult and unfulfilling.

I won't try to pseudo-diagnose you, but I'll say this:

rfaberry602 wrote:I've been smoking weed since I was 19 every day.

[...]

I'm just biding my time waiting to die.

Don't underestimate the possibility of a strong connection between one thing and the other.

emillionth wrote:I won't try to pseudo-diagnose you

Yeah, sorry about that. I realize no one can give me a diagnosis here. I just felt like posting because I have nowhere else to say this stuff.

As for the weed thing, I've stopped smoking everyday when I'm living at school. When I go back home I smoke it though. I cut down because I had some disturbing trips that felt like a further split from reality. I feel a little better having stopped smoking everyday though. Still don't feel anything in general though.

rfaberry602 wrote:Yeah, sorry about that.

No worries. Sometimes I'm in the mood for long-distance amateur psychoanalysis, it's just that today I'm not.

Some traits of each could all apply but if there is something you are dwelling on that you need help with, it's best to see a professional. Places like this are good to relate to others that are similar. Professionals understand from there point of view but it's not the same experience. However, we don't have the resources or knowledge to help like they can.

iabsurdlyexist wrote:Some traits of each could all apply but if there is something you are dwelling on that you need help with, it's best to see a professional. Places like this are good to relate to others that are similar. Professionals understand from there point of view but it's not the same experience. However, we don't have the resources or knowledge to help like they can.

I am thinking about seeking treatment. But it is expensive and I don't know if I have the funds to afford it. I also feel unsure if I really need/want it. I have this irrational dislike for being "normal". I think sometimes that there's nothing worth going to a therapist for since I can function in the world alright. I can hold down a full time job and get decent grades at school, so I don't think it "impairs" me significantly (unless you count my social isolation and lack of feeling).

I also feel embarrassed to go. If people see me, they will think I'm weird and mock me. Or worse, they will think I'm pathetic and feel sympathy for me.

I've never felt that embarrassment aspect. If I am struggling and can't cope, I seek help immediately.

When I was in High School, I didn't have the resources so I just went with the guidance counselor. I wasn't struggling at that time but I was trying to figure out why I was so different. The next time was in the military so it was all paid for. At that time, I had a wife and two young kids so I had to do my best for them. This last time, I had a wife and four kids so I couldn't really just let it slide and hope for the best. Luckily, due to the military, it's all paid for, the help just isn't the best.

Anyway, I can understand that when low on resources, you have to figure out what is more important. It's kind of #######5 way to live at times. I believe health should be a right for all citizens. In the US, where the constitution states "insure domestic tranquility" and "promote the general welfare", I think health applies.

Like you said though, you aren't really struggling, just a curiosity. I would have been the same way 5-10 years back when everything was just going right, in between breakdowns.