by Zelzaz » Tue Jul 23, 2013 5:17 pm
"Diagnostic criteria for 301.20 Schizoid Personality Disorder
A. A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
(1) neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
(2) almost always chooses solitary activities
(3) has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person
(4) takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
(5) lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
(6) appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
(7) shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity"
Except for #6, these all fit me perfectly. I am indifferent to praise, but even the slightest criticism gets played over and over in my head, and I find myself talking to myself (out loud) about it, and usually talking to myself (out loud) about what I did wrong to cause the criticism.
I would also like to add to it, for me personally:
(8) does not like to talk to anyone, never initiates conversation, and cannot keep a conversation going. I often will stop mid-sentence and lose my train of thought
(9) does not like to be touched by anyone, ever!
(10) does not like loud noises, bright lights, etc.
(11) becomes anxious in crowds and tries to avoid them at all costs
(12) does not like to make eye contact with anyone
Looking back at my life, I think I developed "Schizoid Personality Disorder" (or whatever they call it these days) way back when I was in grade school. I was teased and bullied all through most of grade school, junior high school, and high school. I was awkward, clumsy, terrible at sports, made fun of in P.E. and at lunch time and recess. I was probably the most unpopular kid in school. I had no desire to be friends with any of them, I just wanted to be left alone, but they wouldn't leave me alone. They used to walk up behind me, giggling and laughing, and flick my ears with their fingers. Or they would rush up behind me and kick me in the behind. And the worst one was when they would walk up behind me and use their feet or their knees to press up against the back of my knees, causing me to stumble and fall to the ground. Then they would stand around laughing at me and saying awful things about me. I never fought back. I just retreated more and more.
I should add that both my mother and father had schizophrenia, and so did one of my older brothers, and schizophrenia was also found in my father's side of the family in his uncles. Life at school was horrible, but life at home was terrifying for a young kid.
In high school I began to completely withdraw from all social interaction, and life in general, and looking back now, I can see that my first full blown schizophrenic symptoms began to first appear in high school. It was when I first began to have auditory hallucinations. I could swear that I heard external auditory noises of people walking up behind me, giggling and laughing, and I thought they were getting ready to either flick my ears with their fingers, kick me, or try to make me fall. When I turned around to see who it was, there was no one there. I began hearing people calling my name in a mocking sort of way and laughing at me, and when I tried to see who it was, I didn't see anyone talking to me. I thought they were perhaps hiding behind something and saying these things to me. But I couldn't figure out the sound of the footsteps right behind me. It sounded so real. And so close to me. Like someone was walking right behind me. I also heard people tapping at my bedroom window at night and saying my name in a mocking sort of way and giggling and laughing at me. And calling me names--like loser, retard (this was the 1980s, when people still used that horrible word), boogerpants, snaggletooth, dumbo, moleboy and many names that are not polite enough to write on here.
It was the beginning of a very long struggle with an illness--schizophrenia-- that to this day has made me unable to work, unable to live on my own (yes, I am 44 years old and I still live with relatives vs. being homeless), unable to have any relationships of any kind (no friends, never dated anyone, etc., and still no desire to do so), and I have lived long enough with the disease to find coping mechanisms.