SPD Passionate Lover One Minute, Bolting the Next

I have been in a relationship for the past five years with a person who, in the past couple of years, has displayed almost every single trait of SPD. At first he was outgoing, loquacious, sweet, attentive, and hopelessly in love, going the whole nine yards with roses, poetry, music, you name it. He was a virgin when we first got involved and has since, with a lot of practice (!), become a passionate, tender, and sensitive lover. However, two years ago, everything changed very suddenly. For one thing, he told me one day that he "didn't feel the same way" about me anymore. All the Romeo-like behavior, once so sincere, came to an abrupt halt. Going out, traveling together, normal conversations have ended. He is no longer curious about me, my life, my thoughts, my feelings. In fact, he now seems totally apathetic not only towards me but towards his life in general (he has come close to getting fired because he is so averse to performing certain aspects of his work). He has no friends and lives the life of a recluse except when he is teaching. He is still an ardent lover, however. Our relationship these days consists exclusively of sexual encounters, during which he is very communicative and completely focused on giving me pleasure, but after the sex is over, he clams up and leaves after some perfunctory and wordless cuddling. The strangest thing of all, though, is that when he sees me at our workplace (a school campus), he will go out of his way to avoid running into me (if he thinks I haven't seen him). I have witnessed him spotting me from a distance and then actually bolting off in the opposite direction. This causes me searing pain and leaves me feeling devastated and bewildered. Why does he sleep with me but then want nothing to do with me when we are in a public place? What is going on in his mind?

Perhaps he was on psy medication (i.e. antidepressants) for the first 3 years and then stopped
it for whatever reason.

You can confront it, even if he appears not communicative. With patience dialog happens.
Just avoid talking about mental/medication issues if he don't chooses so. It's personal.

Good luck

May or may not be meds. Meds can cause the brain to get used to not producing certain brain chemicals on its own. In turn, if the person goes off the meds they might not feel the same after.

One very likely that it could be the simple fact that as you said...he was a virgin. New relationship plus starting to have sex likely gave him a rush he never had before. After 5 years there's a good chance the relationship will settle and plateau.

Having never had a relationship like this. He could easily be bolting due to insecurity from lack of experience and assuming that he's doing something wrong since he doesn't feel the same rush as he did at the beginning. These thoughts, of course, would make him more depressed and avoidant due to not wanting too further ruin things by upsetting their partner when they themselves don't understand what's going on.

You mention he was like this in regards to his work too. You also say you are working around one another. Working around one another as a couple is hard enough. I've done it. Working like that while being in a bad frame of mind from the relationship would make it much harder for sure.

Ixo wrote:What is going on in his mind?

I've assuredly never been in quite this situation, but I can only speak for myself: it's sometimes very unpleasant to try to deal with people outside of "their context". It can take a lot of energy and willpower to be flexible about that.

I've also intensely regretted letting people get close to me, usually before I've known them for three years though. If I can't get away from them permanently, blocking them out emotionally is an alternative.

Given that he hasn't left, he probably cares about you. Caring about someone can be a thrill or a horrible, self-annihilating experience. My advice is the same as always: tie him up and take him to a therapist.

Holodeck wrote:Having never had a relationship like this. He could easily be bolting due to insecurity from lack of experience and assuming that he's doing something wrong since he doesn't feel the same rush as he did at the beginning.

It sounds to me more like becoming hyper-aware of what he'd gotten himself into, and needing to distance himself. But maybe I'm projecting.

OP, you've put up with this for two years? You're a patient person.

Ixo wrote:I have been in a relationship for the past five years with a person who, in the past couple of years, has displayed almost every single trait of SPD. At first he was outgoing, loquacious, sweet, attentive, and hopelessly in love, going the whole nine yards with roses, poetry, music, you name it.

This doesn't sound at all like SPD to me. "At first.."? My experience has been that in getting close to others, breaking the ice and opening up is the hardest part. It's a gradual process. Only when they've gained my trust and have been deemed "worthwhile" will it be possible to get closer. Additionally, even with the people I have been closest to, there's still a measure of disconnect: hopeless love? roses? poetry? Now that's just silly.

You also might want to prepare yourself for facing the possibility that as an ex-virgin, he's trying out his newfound skills on other women. He may have been avoiding you out of guilt.

Ixo wrote:I have been in a relationship for the past five years with a person who, in the past couple of years, has displayed almost every single trait of SPD. At first he was outgoing, loquacious, sweet, attentive, and hopelessly in love, going the whole nine yards with roses, poetry, music, you name it. He was a virgin when we first got involved and has since, with a lot of practice (!), become a passionate, tender, and sensitive lover. However, two years ago, everything changed very suddenly. For one thing, he told me one day that he "didn't feel the same way" about me anymore. All the Romeo-like behavior, once so sincere, came to an abrupt halt. Going out, traveling together, normal conversations have ended. He is no longer curious about me, my life, my thoughts, my feelings. In fact, he now seems totally apathetic not only towards me but towards his life in general (he has come close to getting fired because he is so averse to performing certain aspects of his work). He has no friends and lives the life of a recluse except when he is teaching. He is still an ardent lover, however. Our relationship these days consists exclusively of sexual encounters, during which he is very communicative and completely focused on giving me pleasure, but after the sex is over, he clams up and leaves after some perfunctory and wordless cuddling. The strangest thing of all, though, is that when he sees me at our workplace (a school campus), he will go out of his way to avoid running into me (if he thinks I haven't seen him). I have witnessed him spotting me from a distance and then actually bolting off in the opposite direction. This causes me searing pain and leaves me feeling devastated and bewildered. Why does he sleep with me but then want nothing to do with me when we are in a public place? What is going on in his mind?

Sounds more like a marriage problem than a personality disorder problem. Ask him what's going on and see what he says. I don't know if someone with SPD can put on an act for 3 entire years like that.

Parador wrote: don't know if someone with SPD can put on an act for 3 entire years like that.

It's possible. I did it. I don't think it's an act as much as it is a denial of the fact that falling onto a warm, oozy cocoon of love and romance just isn't going to happen.

I was in two significant relationships because I believed it was something I should do. We're all programmed to believe it's necessary to "find someone to love". I didn't know about PD's at the time. I came to the conclusion that relationships were not for me before I was diagnosed. Being diagnosed just confirmed it.

It's hell to constantly have to keep someone who's trying to get close to you at arm's length, but it's even harder on the other person. Why did they put up with it? Love. Love makes you dumb and numb to reason. Just like I kept telling myself "Hang in there, one day you'll feel something, one day you'll "get it", I'm sure the other person was thinking "Hang in there. One day you'll make him love you."

The thing is, I always reached my breaking point before they did. I'm not sure if this is an example of the strength of love, or how dopey it makes a person.

Every experience is different. I have been married for almost 20 years. I am different than I was a few years ago. Why? I can't hold whatever mask I created. Was it my fault? Not really but maybe? I was just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Is that what everyone does? Hmmmm?

If you are not satisfied, I say confront and see what happens.

Wow, reading this was very eery. I have been in a complicated entanglement with a teacher at my high school for the past few years that never became sexual but seems to exactly mirror your situation. I almost became paranoid that I know you! Ha. My person is a young, crazy English teacher/poet/musician with a tragic backstory who has a personality that hits all of the marks you mentioned.

In my opinion, the person you're describing does not just possess slivers of SPD, but covert NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) as well. Do they seem to have an enormous need to prove their intelligence (i.e. possess a million hobbies and constantly name drop obscure literature)? Are they very nervous and somewhat childish? Do they hold prestigious institutions in high regard? Do they have an odd relationship with their parents, their mother in specific? Do they seem to have similar situations with those they do get close to, in which they become very close superficial friends and then distance themselves? Are they moody and uncommunicative of what you suspect to be their true thoughts?

I don't know, these questions are very specific and may be a reflection of my personal experience, so you may want to research NPD a bit more on your own. Either way, it seems to me that this person is using you. The truth may be painful, but the progression you described sounds like a classic Narcissistic relationship pattern, described eloquently by a Narcissist in the Personality Disorder forum of this website as being:

"1. i want the thing that i cant have
2. the thing that i cant have is even better than i first thought
3. wow, i cant believe how great that thing i cant have is!
4. omigod, i have finally have this great fantastic thing that i thought i couldnt have
5. hmm, theres a few things about this great thing that i didnt see before
6. damn, this thing is falling apart, and it doesnt work as well as i thought
7. holy sh*^, how do i get rid of this piece of trash"

Covert Narcissists may not react as harshly as the last two steps of the above, but they may simply suddenly lose interest. Once they have gained the affection of a person or the general affection of the institution they work at, there is no longer a goal for them. They want you only symbolically; as a source of approval. Because he already has your approval, and has gotten significantly tired of you, your only purpose to him now is as a sexual thing. If he doesn't have many friends and was previously a virgin it is likely that he is somewhat sexually insecure, and not someone who's about to waltz into a bar and pick up a sexual partner with complete assuredness. You are his easiest source of sexual gratification. It is probable that his avoidance/boredom of you is also that he feels scared of becoming attached to you or vulnerable in any way.

I hate writing this because it is extremely depressing, and because I have been in this exact situation. I may have no idea what is actually going on between you two, or who he is, but please consider Narcissism a possibility. It is impossible not to be involved with a Narcissist and feel rejected and degraded. Let me know if this seems to fit at all!

@whiteeyed

Ixo wrote:In fact, he now seems totally apathetic not only towards me but towards his life in general (he has come close to getting fired because he is so averse to performing certain aspects of his work). He has no friends and lives the life of a recluse except when he is teaching.

He became depressed to the point of nearly getting fired (which would make him feel weak if he were NPD)

Has no friends, is a recluse (except at work where he nearly got fired) and is apathetic towards her.

I've never known of an NPD covert or otherwise who wouldn't have some form of "supply". This guy isn't seemingly very NPD.

Some disordered folks can come off as NPD but in reality they are actually egocentric. Schizoid PD is one of those. That is mainly due to my people being hermits with not much contact with the outside so in turn all they can do is make things about themselves since they have nothing else to draw on. NPD's are around people but make everything about how great their delusions claim they are.