SPD Passionate Lover One Minute, Bolting the Next

Ixo wrote:I have been in a relationship for the past five years with a person who, in the past couple of years, has displayed almost every single trait of SPD. At first he was outgoing, loquacious, sweet, attentive, and hopelessly in love, going the whole nine yards with roses, poetry, music, you name it. He was a virgin when we first got involved and has since, with a lot of practice (!), become a passionate, tender, and sensitive lover. However, two years ago, everything changed very suddenly. For one thing, he told me one day that he "didn't feel the same way" about me anymore. All the Romeo-like behavior, once so sincere, came to an abrupt halt. Going out, traveling together, normal conversations have ended. He is no longer curious about me, my life, my thoughts, my feelings. In fact, he now seems totally apathetic not only towards me but towards his life in general (he has come close to getting fired because he is so averse to performing certain aspects of his work). He has no friends and lives the life of a recluse except when he is teaching. He is still an ardent lover, however. Our relationship these days consists exclusively of sexual encounters, during which he is very communicative and completely focused on giving me pleasure, but after the sex is over, he clams up and leaves after some perfunctory and wordless cuddling. The strangest thing of all, though, is that when he sees me at our workplace (a school campus), he will go out of his way to avoid running into me (if he thinks I haven't seen him). I have witnessed him spotting me from a distance and then actually bolting off in the opposite direction. This causes me searing pain and leaves me feeling devastated and bewildered. Why does he sleep with me but then want nothing to do with me when we are in a public place? What is going on in his mind?

I cannot know what is going on in his mind. But he has given you an important clue, namely that he does not feel the same way about you anymore. Did he elaborate on this? What else has he said?
There could be various reasons. Perhaps he has fallen in love with another woman. Perhaps he is angry with you about something. I don't know, it could be many things. He sleeps with you but does not want an (emotionally) intimate relationship. From what I am hearing, this does not work for you. Have you brought up recently that you are not happy? Have you considered ending the relationship, or at least threatening to do that?

OP,

How do you feel about it?

What are your expectations ? Would you like to marry him, have children?

Have you, yourself, some need for distance?


I don't fit criterias for spd, but i always found difficult to combine social part of a relationship with intimate.

From what you wrote, it's difficult to know what happens in his heart and what could be the future.

naps wrote:

Parador wrote: don't know if someone with SPD can put on an act for 3 entire years like that.

It's possible. I did it. I don't think it's an act as much as it is a denial of the fact that falling onto a warm, oozy cocoon of love and romance just isn't going to happen.

I was in two significant relationships because I believed it was something I should do. We're all programmed to believe it's necessary to "find someone to love". I didn't know about PD's at the time. I came to the conclusion that relationships were not for me before I was diagnosed. Being diagnosed just confirmed it.

It's hell to constantly have to keep someone who's trying to get close to you at arm's length, but it's even harder on the other person..

Where do you find people who are trying to get close to you? I only had that happen once - and it was only because we were locked up in a psych hospital together and she wanted to find someone who was normal. Everyone else was a total tard.

Parador wrote:Where do you find people who are trying to get close to you?

They find me. I don't pick up easily on social cues. I was always under the impression that love was something that developed. Apparently not. I guess it can come on suddenly, like the flu.

Relationships are hard that's why I don't do them. I am always trapped between trying not to hurt the other and compulsion to distance myself as further away from someone trying to engage me emotionally too close.

WinnieThePooh wrote:Have you considered ending the relationship, or at least threatening to do that?

This won't work if he's SPD and you don't want to end it. For me it's so easy to cut people loose forever. It might be better for you though if you're suffering.

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses, everyone. I had been away for some time and was not aware of the kind attention my post had been getting.

My ex-boyfriend continues the avoidant behavior on campus whenever it becomes apparent to him that our paths are going to cross, to the point of going to absurd lengths, such as darting into the nearest building or suddenly changing his route or even seeming to vanish into thin air (hard to see how he does that as he is 6 ft. 6 inches tall). We do continue to have erotically-charged rendez-vous about twice a month, always at my invitation. He is an ardent lover but afterwards does not talk except to make brief replies to things I say to him. Otherwise, he never contacts me in any way, shape, or form.

He is most definitely not suffering from NPD (he has no use for words of praise or any attention from anyone whatsoever). He has told me he doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, even when he is reprimanded by higher-ups for not attending to certain duties that his job would require, and he is not in touch with his family. He has no interest in cultivating any friendships and simply wants to be left alone. He spends all his free time reading and studying as he feels that he must gain as much knowledge as he possibly can (his areas of particular interest are history and art, but also wants to educate himself in the domains of biology, chemistry, astronomy, and physics). He is extremely intellectually gifted but at the same time completely self-deprecating, often to hilarious effect.

However, whiteeyed has posed some interesting questions, to wit: "Do they seem to have an enormous need to prove their intelligence (i.e. possess a million hobbies and constantly name drop obscure literature)? YES. Are they very nervous and somewhat childish? YES. Do they hold prestigious institutions in high regard? YES. Do they have an odd relationship with their parents, their mother in specific? YES. NO CONTACT. Do they seem to have similar situations with those they do get close to, in which they become very close superficial friends and then distance themselves? YES. Are they moody and uncommunicative of what you suspect to be their true thoughts?" YES.

In addition, as noted, the phenomenon of being enchanted with me at first and then suddenly disenchanted (like a child with a toy) is common among people with NPD. However, I don't think he has this disorder. I think that this behavior and these attitudes are related to his impossible idealism and immaturity. It's as though he needs everything in his world to be absolutely perfect and at the same time absolutely non-threatening. I am neither since I am a flawed human being like everyone else and have the normal needs that any human being has. He does not want to deal with anyone's needs or expectations, of course, ever.

Someone else asked me about medications he might be taking. He had significant erectile dysfunction problems in the first couple of years of our relationship (because he was so nervous in bed) and was taking pills for that as well as anti-depressants but has gone off both. While things are working well sexually despite the absence of chemical assistance, the fact that he is no longer taking anti-depressants could be an explanation for why he is so dead inside when it comes to me and everything else in his life. In fact, he is almost completely anhedonic. He gets no real pleasure out of anything except for sex, food, and study.

He once told me that as soon as he had paid off his loans for graduate study that he would "off" himself. He is obviously depressed but doesn't want to deal with it. He just doesn't consider his state of mind, or his overall welfare, to be particularly important. I am fond of him and want to help him, but I don't know what I can do since he has no interest in discussing anything with me and doesn't seem to care if I live or die (or if he himself lives or dies, for that matter). I know that I should simply put an end to our encounters, because the whole situation is so unhealthy, but something is keeping me from doing so.

The song "I Am a Rock" by Simon & Garfunkel describes him perfectly. What I can't wrap my mind around, though, is that when I first knew him, he was completely different. Affable, talkative, witty, fun-loving, caring, devoted...the exact opposite of what he is now. He wrote me ardent love-letters and craved my time and attentions. Now, nothing. He also used to have a couple of male friends/colleagues who also enjoyed his company and whom he saw regularly. Now he has given all three of us the cold shoulder and isolated himself from everyone, with no explanations. It's as if he has decided that he is a loner and must now live according to a new set of rules that he has set for himself.

So that's the update on this perplexing situation. Any comments would be welcome.

Ixo,

Many times, in the past, I have been where you are now (I am a woman), and have also been on the other side of your relationship (at least, that's how I think I must have seemed--literally running away when sighting the guy involved).

It's clear that the guy in your relationship wants out and is using you for sex.

You are clearly 'into' him.

When a man is 'into' a woman and is confident that his affections will be answered, his response is unambiguous. If things later become questionable, it means he's lost interest. Period. Compared to women, men are simple and straightforward.

When you find yourself psychoanalyzing your partner and crafting baroque excuses for his chickensh^t behavior, it means the relationship is already over. If he cared about you, you'd feel it.

I've stood in your shoes. You're trying to find any any ANY excuse to continue hoping. Cut your losses.

Move forward with your own life, your own personal agenda. Withdraw all your 'funds' from his 'bank', and remember who you are (if you ever knew--my big problem for most of my life was that I derived my identity from my relationship partners--you are probably smarter than that).

He might sense the change in your mood and come running back, wagging his tail, hoping to retain his one 'fan' (people like to be adored, even by those whom they have rejected). Should he do so, don't take him back. That guy (he's not a real man) is treating you like something he stepped on in the park.

Move on, girl, go to the gym, work out, eat better, read some good books. DO . NOT . LOOK . BACK. Don't let ANY guy treat you like sh^t.

If he cared about you, you'd feel it.

@ whiteeyed: You have posed the possibility that mixed in with the SPD there may be some elements of covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder, asking the following questions: "Do they seem to have an enormous need to prove their intelligence (i.e. possess a million hobbies and constantly name drop obscure literature)? Are they very nervous and somewhat childish? Do they hold prestigious institutions in high regard? Do they have an odd relationship with their parents, their mother in specific? Do they seem to have similar situations with those they do get close to, in which they become very close superficial friends and then distance themselves? Are they moody and uncommunicative of what you suspect to be their true thoughts?"

In an earlier post, I answered these questions with a simple "yes." Now I will elaborate a bit. Firstly, yes, he has a brilliant intellect, is an assiduous scholar (Latin, Ancient Greek, Art History, History, English literature, the sciences, etc.) and when he writes, he uses a lot of very obscure and erudite words and phrases. Secondly, yes, he is VERY childish for his age (which is a reason why his pupils adore him), and yes, he is extremely nervous...so much so that his hands shake. He suffers from extreme anxiety, which leads to sleep problems, which feeds his depression. One thing that keeps him tossing and turning is worry about his sexual performance (he started off having frequent bouts of erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but this got better as time went on). To the question about his parents, he has cut off all contact with them (we are in Europe; they are in the US), even though he tells me that they are very nice people and brought him up with love. Also, yes, he would get close to people (two male colleagues in particular, with whom he would go out for dinner and conversation a few times per month), only to distance himself later without an explanation. And finally, yes, he is moody and uncommunicative. This comes in stark contrast with the version of him that I knew for the first two years: he was expansive, expressive, talkative, funny (like a standup comedian, in fact), and adoring. Now, after sex, he just lies there like a corpse, not saying a word.

I don't know if these things indicate that he also has NPD, but I thank you for your insights. He is certainly egocentric in the extreme.

Update: he finally ended it last night. He said he just couldn't "keep doing this anymore." He is fond of me, but he said that his desire for complete solitude (actually, he called it "isolation") has become more and more extreme, to the point where he can't stand to converse with anybody--in particular, to engage in what he calls "small talk." He will go to great lengths to avoid running into people who might want to strike up a conversation, including me. I did know this and strove to keep the chit-chat to a minimum, but of course, some communication is necessary when you are seeing a person, even on a very limited basis. Another thing he told me last night was that his anxiety about his sexual performance had continued to dog him, to the point where he couldn't sleep, which would then ruin the next day. Finally, there was his concern that this arrangement wasn't fair to me. He said he was racked with guilt over the way he had been treating me. We talked about this radical change in his outlook and behavior--remember that he was a doting Romeo at the beginning--and he asked me why his over-the-top enthusiasm (he now characterizes his romantic words and gestures as "stupid") hadn't raised all kinds of red flags with me, as though I had been at fault for responding to his sweet attentions in exactly the way he wanted me to.

I will admit that I did see red flags then, and on more than a few occasions I was both incredulous and supremely irritated to the point of wanting to walk out right then and there during a few episodes where he was being childish, needy, and unreasonable with me, but I always chose to work things out and see if things would settle into a manageable relationship...and for a while, they did. Things were lovely between us. His affection seemed boundless; the sex got better and better; we went on trips together; he would bend over backward to be there whenever I needed him; and whenever we were together, we were happy, if not euphoric. This is why I am having such difficulty understanding what happened to make him distance himself to the point where he was avoiding me whenever our paths were likely to cross on the campus where we both work. In our conversation last night, he told me that nothing had "happened" in particular; it was simply an evolution towards wanting to close himself off from the world. He said that his father was exactly the same. During the course of our conversation, he was quite self-deprecating, describing himself as a "loner" who was intent upon building a mighty fortress in which to dwell all by himself. He expressed remorse that his behavior had made me feel neglected, ignored, and duped, (which it had), asking me why I would want to have anything do with such a "f---d up person." The whole time we talked, his head was turned towards the wall, and he would not look at me. I have to confess that it was a relief when he left. I had run out of questions to ask him, and further talk seemed pointless anyway.

I don't really feel anything right now. I suppose I'm wondering how I will deal with a life without a sexual outlet. I miss the romance for sure but have been doing without that for some time. Yes, now that I am free from this relationship, I can go out there and find someone else, but I honestly don't see that happening. I am painfully aware that I was absurdly naive (we are both over 40, by the way) and I do know that I voluntarily allowed myself to be duped. This is not the first time I have been dumped after having given a relationship my all...so I don't really trust myself when it comes to "choosing" men anymore. It seems that no matter what I do, the process and outcome will be the same: attraction, flirting, romance, mind-blowing sex, fun times, love, slow deterioration, ending. I look around me at all the happy couples and wonder how they managed to pull off their seemingly successful relationships. I do know that I have a tendency to attract younger men who are "different" and whose eccentricity and attentions charm and captivate me. I must think, deep down, that a relationship with that person will not only bring me some measure of happiness but can also help him to feel secure and happy in some way, while at the same time I willfully turn a blind eye to the plethora of red flags which, yes, I do see popping up all around him, hoping against all odds for the best.

I am going to try not to feel sad or depressed in the aftermath of the demise of this relationship. I do know that it was doomed from the beginning. However, I did so want to understand the dynamics, and that's what brought me here. It is easy to tell a person in such an obviously failing relationship to walk away. But someone here on this thread wisely pointed out that love makes you dumb, love makes you push aside the doubts and misgivings and carry on all the same. I knew perfectly well what a minefield I was walking in and that there would be no good outcome, but the love-struck moron within perversely persisted, despite everything.

Thanks to all for your comments--much appreciated!

^Your posts give off the impression that you're invasive and prying just like his mother who he has "NO CONTACT" with.

I'm "invasive" and "prying"? Funny, that, in view of the fact that he used to be obsessed with me to the point of coming to my home unannounced and peeking though the window, or planting himself along my running route so that we would "bump into" each other. He freely admitted these things to me, by the way, later on. In any event, I do not think that curiosity about a person's odd behaviour makes one "invasive" or "prying." I think it just makes one interested in understanding.