Experience vs Appearance..

So I'm questioning about SPD...I've read a lot of stuff about "covert" SPD, and generally I relate strongly to many of the symptoms associated with that, but it's hard to know for sure what to think because so many lists of symptoms tend to focus on outward expressions..

I do have a handful of close friends, and I can navigate social situations with a fair amount of regular human expressions, I think. But the main thing is, I rarely put myself in social situations to begin with. Outside of my parents/sister, there are probably three people I would consider close enough to have some semblance of easy emotional intimacy with...

I guess one of the biggest difficulties I'm having in puzzling myself out is that I grew up in a pretty normal and supportive household, and my mom noticed pretty early that I was "a hermit," so I've been encouraged for a long time to improve my social skills and get out and about. But even after years of this, I still feel like approaching any social situation is like trying to reach past a wall--I don't really miss people, even if I do feel the effects of being isolated sometimes in a negative way, and trying to "get close" to people is a supremely uncomfortable experience. It's not social anxiety, though, or poor social skills that stem from avoidance, and trying to explain that to anyone is difficult, particularly because I'm extremely private about my inner/personal life and as a result, people rarely even register the fact that I spend the vast majority of the time alone...I think there are probably only about 2 people on the face of the planet who might be aware of where I am or what I'm doing at any given time

At this point, I'm not sure what to think--is SPD something that people can experience in a personal way that often otherwise goes unnoticed? Or does it have to have clear outward signs that people pick up on? Is it common (enough) to seem busy or project-oriented and fairly sociable, and have that be an "excuse" for not following up on social relationships? And is it normal to have the sort of internal desire to be emotionally intimate more often but be hopelessly incapable of following that up, not because of anxiety or social skills but because of some sort of intrinsic mountain you can't seem to scale that repels you from all but a very, very small number of people?

When I suggested I had SPD to my GP, she literally laughed at the idea. This was after I had been diagnosed. Maybe you will find this story illuminating.

Sounds more like being an introvert.

Is the schizoid personality not introversion to the point of pathology?

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:Is the schizoid personality not introversion to the point of pathology?

I'm not introverted. I find my SPD to be a disorder due to hating how I feel forced to be an introvert. I can be social, but it doesn't let me do it to the degree that I would like. I'm sure others have their own versions though.

Holodeck wrote:

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:Is the schizoid personality not introversion to the point of pathology?

I'm not introverted. I find my SPD to be a disorder due to hating how I feel forced to be an introvert. I can be social, but it doesn't let me do it to the degree that I would like. I'm sure others have their own versions though.

That's more or less the feeling that I'm asking about--not "I don't want to be social" so much as "I feel emotionally incapable of being social even if I'd like to, but not in the way social anxiety describes"

That's also why I'm asking about other ppl's experiences--I'm not looking for a diagnosis or validation, but rather a basis of comparison that isn't just a list of symptoms, which often seems to fail to capture a lot of nuance. So: what it feels like, and what makes it different than introversion based on ppl with SPD's own personal experiences

Ah so not that you don't want to, but rather you don't believe things will quite click... so why bother?

If that's what you're saying than I do that. I'm not incapable of being social, but I'm incapable of being emotionally involved in a social setting. When I get by myself it's as if a switch were flipped, and I can be more emotional. I don't put myself out there as much as I probably should due to that "awkwardness". I don't feel embarrassed, but rather I don't want them bothered by my eccentricities.

Covert of course means that the person doesn't appear to have m/any issues. I don't seem that way for a while, but after a few hours I really should get out asap. If I don't leave I will be VERY irritable around people.

Like I said before; I'm an extrovert. I really want to be around people, and I think that made me evolve into the covert role. It's like I want to swim with the dolphins, but I can only have so much oxygen in my tank to do so.

Not sure how many schizoids will say they crave interaction like that, but hopefully some more can fill in their sides of things.

I'd say my experience is similar to Holodecks except I am an ambivert, being fine going out or staying in. Of course, mood/anxiety disorder plays a role here. I am curious of people, however, I don't interact on the same level. Truth be told, I go out to experience things, not be social. Social is something I do because it tends to come up when out.

iabsurdlyexist wrote: Truth be told, I go out to experience things, not be social. Social is something I do because it tends to come up when out.

That's insightful and made me smile. It's true.