Surviving friendship?

I've run into a problem.

I'm not used to feeling positively towards other people. My usual comfort zone is the area between passive tolerance and mild contempt. When I do feel good about someone, the experience is so weird and disorienting that my overriding instinct is to cut them out of my life completely.

Recently, I've met someone online with whom I share a number of interests. I enjoy talking with them, and I've come to believe that I really do like them on a personal level. Since I started interacting with them I've also been feeling increasingly stressed and actually kind of sick.

I'd rather not disengage again, but I don't know how else to deal with this.

Your issues sound very similar to mine. The intense worry/sick I feel when I perceive someone getting too close is beyond simple human explanation. I have tried to get close to someone (romantically) because that's what you're supposed to do ( It didn't work) , I guess I'm trying to force myself. It's not for me, It feels so alien, so foreign, so unnatural. Solitude feels comfortable.

I've found a useful concept through this, anyway: decompensation. The idea is that if your psychological stability is dependent on defence mechanisms (eg intellectualization, disassociation, withdrawal) and those defences stop working for whatever reason, you are in for a rough time – perhaps falling back on mechanisms that are more pathological.

Hence the sick feeling, I suppose. You'd feel as though you are losing control over your own mind, because in a sense that is happening.

Finally gave up on this. It was exhausting.

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:I've found a useful concept through this, anyway: decompensation. The idea is that if your psychological stability is dependent on defence mechanisms (eg intellectualization, disassociation, withdrawal) and those defences stop working for whatever reason, you are in for a rough time – perhaps falling back on mechanisms that are more pathological.

Is it a matter of the defenses not working or is it about bypassing them...stepping out of your comfort zone into uncharted territory?

Anxious is the best word to describe how I feel when I start getting close to someone, or if I meet someone for whom I think getting close to may be possible.

Hence the sick feeling, I suppose. You'd feel as though you are losing control over your own mind, because in a sense that is happening.

You're drifting without an anchor. You're out of your element. I wonder if too much exposure to others and an inability to remain remote and isolated over a long period of time might eventually lead to temporary psychosis.

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:Finally gave up on this. It was exhausting.

How does that make you feel? When it happens to me I feel somewhat disappointed in myself. I think Another failure. I should have known better. But the comfort and relief I feel in regaining my isolation and freedom from others overrides any negativity.

naps wrote:Is it a matter of the defenses not working or is it about bypassing them...stepping out of your comfort zone into uncharted territory?

I was stepping out of my comfort zone, but I didn't decide to do that. It just happened. So I'm not sure. I'm not even sure how much of this was real.

I wonder if too much exposure to others and an inability to remain remote and isolated over a long period of time might eventually lead to temporary psychosis.

This is a concern of mine. I've had a couple of near-psychotic experiences in my life; they occurred during times of extreme interpersonal stress, when I couldn't escape from the idea of other people even through isolation.

How does that make you feel? When it happens to me I feel somewhat disappointed in myself. I think Another failure. I should have known better. But the comfort and relief I feel in regaining my isolation and freedom from others overrides any negativity.

I feel similarly. A bit stupid for wasting so much energy trying to swim upstream, yes, but once I had made the decision to get out I felt my whole (solitary) life opening up again. Some regret, mostly relief.

This time, I could go back. It would be an easy decision to reverse. So there's a layer of uncertainty moderating both responses.

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:..once I had made the decision to get out I felt my whole (solitary) life opening up again.

I know that feeling well. But sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty, as if I'm giving into a bad habit. I wonder if I stayed the course a bit longer, been patient, and suffered a little, would there be a point where I would be able to want to open up a bit more and get closer to this person? Or would I just go crazy?

There's also the other person's feelings to take into account. The longer you communicate with them, the more you risk hurting them when you leave. It's not an emotional issue for me, but it's bad form, and I would prefer not do do it. I've left a lot of hurt people behind in my wake over the years and it doesn't always sit easily with me.

This time, I could go back. It would be an easy decision to reverse. So there's a layer of uncertainty moderating both responses.

I've tried that. It doesn't always work. Some people don't give you a second chance. But I would try again if I met someone I feel I could have potential with. It's like how a person who loses their hearing eventually develops impaired speech; I fear that if I don't make an effort to try and connect with people occasionally, however rudimentarily, I will lose whatever social graces or masks that I have and appear to be the detached basement-dwelling weirdo I am. Sometimes I let people into my orbit just to see if I can. Maybe that's a way to achieve some kind of remote self-validation.

I do wonder if I've hurt people. But at the end of the day, I made an effort and did not act with malice. What more can you do, really.

naps wrote:I've tried that. It doesn't always work. Some people don't give you a second chance. But I would try again if I met someone I feel I could have potential with.

A week ago, the person in question told me she has AvPD. It was a bit out of the blue. We compared our experiences of needing to escape, to become anonymous. There was some kind of understanding there; I think I had permission to leave.

My connection to that moment is gone now; if there was "potential" it feels unreal. I'm me again. For the time being, anyway.

I fear that if I don't make an effort to try and connect with people occasionally, however rudimentarily, I will lose whatever social graces or masks that I have and appear to be the detached basement-dwelling weirdo I am. Sometimes I let people into my orbit just to see if I can.

I stuck with this for as long as I did (three weeks?) by telling myself it would be "good for me". Pretending, trying, and failing is exasperating, but the alternative seems… selfish, somehow.

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:A week ago, the person in question told me she has AvPD. It was a bit out of the blue. We compared our experiences of needing to escape, to become anonymous. There was some kind of understanding there; I think I had permission to leave.

I would think an avoidant would be just as likely to leave as a schizoid.

This all reminds me of this thread: https://www.psychforums.com/schizoid-personality/topic201310.html?hilit=exceptional%20people

Interesting thread. There's certainly some overlap of subject matter.