Surviving friendship?

As it turns out, this

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:Finally gave up on this

wasn't totally accurate. I think it helped to believe it when I posted it, though.

It's pretty easy to convince yourself that nothing in the world matters when there's no one in it you care about.

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:As it turns out, this

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:Finally gave up on this

wasn't totally accurate. I think it helped to believe it when I posted it, though.

It's pretty easy to convince yourself that nothing in the world matters when there's no one in it you care about.

In a small way, having the sole responsibility of caring for yourself can distract you from caring for others.

I have no one to regularly provide feedback on the things I do (or don't do), or think or plan or believe, so the burden is on me to keep my own self in line. This leads to self absorption.

A week ago, the person in question told me she has AvPD. It was a bit out of the blue. We compared our experiences of needing to escape, to become anonymous. There was some kind of understanding there; I think I had permission to leave.

I think a SPD/AvPD combo, while the least toxic of PD combos, would also have the highest odds of failure.

Really, naps? What about a BPD/SPD combo? That wouldn't last a week.

naps wrote:I think a SPD/AvPD combo, while the least toxic of PD combos, would also have the highest odds of failure.

I dunno, my odds of maintaining a relationship with someone who isn't reclusive are probably around 0%.

The trick here is finding a way to engage that is, for me, undemanding. I try too hard to be "on" around people. That's not workable in anything long term.

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:
The trick here is finding a way to engage that is, for me, undemanding.

Being the dominant party in a friendship would be a must, and even then, some compromise would be necessary. Most important for me would be finding the person interesting enough not to get distracted or bored around them. There are certain subjects or topics that can keep me engaged in a conversation, even an ongoing serial type conversation, as with a co-worker, but ultimately that's not enough to base a true relationship on. I don't think.

My problem is that the social avoidance that comes with SPD is compounded by OCD. Sometimes I don't know where one ends and the other begins. I fear they act as a tag team. The OCD is stronger, I think, which makes it difficult to assess how severe my issues with SPD really are.

Eight wrote:Really, naps? What about a BPD/SPD combo? That wouldn't last a week.

No it wouldn't. But what a week that would be.

This has happened to me also. I learned that interpersonal stress triggers intense emotions and makes me feel like I am going insane. These feelings and experiences are entirely absent as long as I don't interact with other people. I am totally at peace and content as long as I avoid all interpersonal contact.

It is literally impossible for me to form any sort of relationship with anyone, even family - as they put way too many demands on me to change who I am. Other people don't seem to be able to understand or accept boundaries when it comes to socializing, and refuse to accept SPD as a valid diagnosis and instead try to change me and attempt to make me be more social.

I've also found that people are extremely complicated and cause a lot of drama. I prefer my peaceful isolated life to this sort of stress.

SkeletonWarDraftee wrote:I do wonder if I've hurt people. But at the end of the day, I made an effort and did not act with malice. What more can you do, really.

naps wrote:I've tried that. It doesn't always work. Some people don't give you a second chance. But I would try again if I met someone I feel I could have potential with.

A week ago, the person in question told me she has AvPD. It was a bit out of the blue. We compared our experiences of needing to escape, to become anonymous. There was some kind of understanding there; I think I had permission to leave.

My connection to that moment is gone now; if there was "potential" it feels unreal. I'm me again. For the time being, anyway.

I think AvPD and SPD would be a tough combo. Though they might be able to get where the other is coming from, they would constantly feel uncomfortable with the AvPD getting flustered over something small and ghosting the SPD, or the SPD one getting overwhelmed and inevitably weening off from communication.

I fear that if I don't make an effort to try and connect with people occasionally, however rudimentarily, I will lose whatever social graces or masks that I have and appear to be the detached basement-dwelling weirdo I am. Sometimes I let people into my orbit just to see if I can.

I stuck with this for as long as I did (three weeks?) by telling myself it would be "good for me". Pretending, trying, and failing is exasperating, but the alternative seems… selfish, somehow.

Same with naps I get the guilty feeling. I try to re-establish contact every so often. I mean they ARE people I get along with, but yeah it's a need for a break here and there. I have gotten better...

There are certain folks online (online is easier for me in this case) who I go out of my way to contact every day if possible. They know I have my issues and have been open with me about theirs. The times I've dropped off the face of the earth they got why, and when I came back they were polite and welcoming back. The same thing has happened vice versa as they happen to have social anxiety issues. One once thought she deeply offended/drove me off somehow but that was in the beginning before I told her what was up with how my brain worked and she replied that she did her own version of that. She said she was glad I wasn't upset with her and we moved on from there.

A friend of my boyfriend is pretty schizoid acting. They've known one another since high school. He lives alone with his cat, works IT from home, eats take out constantly, keeps to himself etc.

My boyfriend decided it best to do a game night once a week with him. He agreed to it. It's a weird experience but it seems to be going well. It always starts off where we have this general not-want-to-be-around one another but we're cordial attitude. By the end of the evening, we wind up getting along well and extending the time planned if possible.

naps wrote:Being the dominant party in a friendship would be a must, and even then, some compromise would be necessary. Most important for me would be finding the person interesting enough not to get distracted or bored around them. There are certain subjects or topics that can keep me engaged in a conversation, even an ongoing serial type conversation, as with a co-worker, but ultimately that's not enough to base a true relationship on. I don't think.

My boyfriend said this to me in the beginning. "I get it now! You need stimulating conversation or you hate conversing completely! Ok, I can do that!"

Sometimes I can't decide if I'm uncomfortable with his need to overcompensate so I never leave him, but at least we aren't inflicting ourselves on sane people by attempting to date them instead.

naps wrote:My problem is that the social avoidance that comes with SPD is compounded by OCD. Sometimes I don't know where one ends and the other begins. I fear they act as a tag team. The OCD is stronger, I think, which makes it difficult to assess how severe my issues with SPD really are.

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahh.

naps wrote:

Eight wrote:Really, naps? What about a BPD/SPD combo? That wouldn't last a week.

No it wouldn't. But what a week that would be.

Now see, you'd think that. My boyfriend is all sorts of BPD. I would say I'm a lil easier able to get along with him due to being BP1, but the guy I mentioned previously has not only known him for two decades as a friend but lived with him without issue other than rolling his eyes when he became overdramatic.

Example: "Honey I'm not abandoning you. I simply need you to know I need alone time or I get really irritable as hell. You know those times I get super snappy where you want to throw chocolate at me from a corner? This makes that stop"

All it takes for he and I are calmly talking him down from crazy thinking (admittedly BP1 helps with this since he has to do this to me too), setting boundaries, and making sure he doesn't feel abandoned. It helped that we first met online and didn't get together after knowing each other well for two years. We've had one entire fight in total. The other disagreements have been mature debates that have always been resolved without issue. The schizoid acting friend told me he did the same thing with my boyfriend.

My guy is very black and white in thinking, but thankfully he's willing to adhere to logic and hear a person out. If he's given the facts he's cool with admitting he's wrong.

I'm 65 and retired and have no friends, at least not in the sense that I had friends as a kid through my early 20s. I am a covert schizoid and am as casually friendly as can be but if you are schizoid and don't have a strong desire to change, as you get older you become more entrenched in your "schizoidness", not less. I've learned from experience that having friends is more work than I want to expend and you tend to get sucked into their lives and those around them. Pass, I don't need that.

I had a good friend of nearly 40 years, a man that was like a father to me. I used to visit him regularly and talked with him often on the phone (he would call nearly every day) and he and his wife looked upon me like a 4th son. Four years ago we had an argument on the phone and that was the last time I have talked with him. I was over being mad in a few hours but as time went by I came to realize that my life was more simple without his friendship. Now he just turned 80 and I realize he will likely not live too much longer and when he dies I will feel bad, but then everybody dies. I still think about him a lot but I just have no desire to resume our relationship.

It is the same with my own family. I have a younger sister and brother who live nearby and they have families as well but I haven't seen them in years either. I'm not mad about anything although I can understand how they would not be happy with me, but I just don't want to get sucked into their lives and become obligated to do this or that. It keeps my life simple.
But the truth is that given my age I may need to reach out to them soon in regards to an advanced directive for healthcare and a power of attorney for healthcare. Being schizoid, the last thing I want to happen to me is to endure being forced to live in a nursing home and unwillingly be forced to engage with lots of people every day. That would be hell on earth.

But I am at an age now where I know myself well enough to understand that I have no desire for friends. I already have a number of people with whom I am casually friendly but I would not consider them to be "friends" in my definition of the word.

elocs9381, would you say you are living an authentic life, i.e. being entirely true to yourself?

naps wrote:My problem is that the social avoidance that comes with SPD is compounded by OCD. Sometimes I don't know where one ends and the other begins. I fear they act as a tag team. The OCD is stronger, I think, which makes it difficult to assess how severe my issues with SPD really are.

How so? I'm not particularly familiar with OCD.

elocs9381 wrote:I've learned from experience that having friends is more work than I want to expend and you tend to get sucked into their lives and those around them.

The italicized certainly works to keep social isolation all-or-nothing.