Love

Anyone ever felt it?

I recently got into some strange situation. While I don't really feel a need to
be with people, and my sex drive went down lately, I've recently met a girl I
really like. I can't tell if this is actually lust because I keep having those
strange scenarios in my mind about going on a date with her, waking up next to
her on morning, getting a kiss, coming back from work to have a meal ready,
strange stuff like that.

It's actually a longer story, because I met her a year and half ago but didn't
have the courage to ask her out. I've been a bit infatuated since then and hoped
to meet her again.

I've asked her out twice in the last week - both meetings were completely
coincidental. She told me she had a boyfriend on both occasions and I'm very
jealous now, it feels like something valuable to me was stolen.

It feels like such a strange passion to have. It's a strange kind of belonging
to a person I've never quite felt. Sometimes she pops into my head and I realize
she's not here and I get really disappointed.

Sorry bout that man.

I think most including myself have roughly had this situation happen one way or another. Not sure how old you are, but it sounds like some highschool/college puppy love scenario.

Sounds like you idealized her in your head for about a year. You felt emotion of her through thinking of her in this sort of disociated meditative way, then got hit hard when the thing you felt safe thinking she would say yes turned out the opposite.

I've felt love, but it's near impossible for me to express it in person without it coming off as disingenuous. When I do feel emotion I normally have to be alone and really focussing on how I feel about things. It's dumb.

Holodeck wrote:I think most including myself have roughly had this situation happen one way or another. Not sure how old you are, but it sounds like some highschool/college puppy love scenario.

They say infatuation is frequently mistaken for love. If the person is unavailable to you, the negative emotions it evokes could be confused for love because love is purely emotional.

When my first major relationship fell apart I thought I was heartbroken, and maybe I was, but not in a romantic way. When I recall the feelings I had I see now that they had more to do with social status; I was rejected. It was also an abrupt end to what I unknowingly considered to be not much more than a very good friendship.

naps wrote:

Holodeck wrote:I think most including myself have roughly had this situation happen one way or another. Not sure how old you are, but it sounds like some highschool/college puppy love scenario.

They say infatuation is frequently mistaken for love. If the person is unavailable to you, the negative emotions it evokes could be confused for love because love is purely emotional.

When my first major relationship fell apart I thought I was heartbroken, and maybe I was, but not in a romantic way. When I recall the feelings I had I see now that they had more to do with social status; I was rejected. It was also an abrupt end to what I unknowingly considered to be not much more than a very good friendship.

Yup, which is why I went with something shallow like puppy love. Real love tends to be more selfless. Though disappointing (even heartbreaking), the person in love would be alright about it for the most part as the other person was happy. Sure it would be sad, but they would more view the person they're in love with more as an individual who they care for, than something stolen from them.

I felt something similar. It's nice to have someone's romantic attention/interest, but past certain point it's get annoying to me. I do sometime fantasize about it but I never externalize my fantasies or emotions since they are self-sufficient and he possibility itself is enough. When such person becomes involved with another person it's both a relief but I do feel tiny sting of jealousy and regret deep inside-

Some says it's better to love and lose than to never love at all. From my point I say it's better not to lose, ever, or even get yourself into a position to lose. Love is a weakness, and I don't like to make myself emotionally vulnerable to anyone..

On the other hand my rationale is this: if I ever truly came to love someone (a love than would be worth pursuing) than I would want to spare that person of being involved with me. I am both biologically and emotionally inadequate as a romantic and life partner. Otherwise it isn't even worth pursing in the first place.

N1ghty wrote: It's nice to have someone's romantic attention/interest, but past certain point it's get annoying to me. I do sometime fantasize about it but I never externalize my fantasies or emotions since they are self-sufficient and he possibility itself is enough.

In the past I've indulged another person's interest in me not to start something romantic, but just to see if I could. It's nice to know you're capable of being loved (as opposed to capable of loving).

if I ever truly came to love someone (a love than would be worth pursuing) than I would want to spare that person of being involved with me.

I've had infatuations with people, but never real love. If I ever did feel love for someone, I would probably pursue it because it would mean to me that I have turned a corner/progressed emotionally.

But if it hasn't happened by now it probably won't.

naps wrote:
I've had infatuations with people, but never real love. If I ever did feel love for someone, I would probably pursue it because it would mean to me that I have turned a corner/progressed emotionally.

But if it hasn't happened by now it probably won't.

Last I've felt physical and hormonal impact of another person is about a decade ago. Physical closeness and/or sex is necessary to form a biological/hormonal bond, and I don't really let people get close to me. I see no point in it. I guess I managed to kill off my emotions at some point, and now it's hard to raise that corpse, honestly I do not even try. I reflect on it at times but those are rare.

As a kid I have always imagined a family of my own, wife and children. Later my parents marriage fell apart in an ugly way and I saw love was just an illusion. Also I have found out in my teens I cannot have children of my own. I guess I just adjusted my personality and expectations according to those facts and experiences. Plus I was always a loner and quite introverted, and never fully socialized for various reasons--- I did start acting more extroverted in late teens and early twenties but that was more a facade to avoid unwanted attention and to function more easily than reflection of my inside states. And I guess I did forget at times of what I am, but that didn't last long.

N1ghty wrote:As a kid I have always imagined a family of my own, wife and children. Later my parents marriage fell apart in an ugly way and I saw love was just an illusion. Also I have found out in my teens I cannot have children of my own.

Completely understand this. For myself it was my own 7yr trainwreck of a marriage and divorce, and being terrified of passing my own fuked up genetics onto my kids. I've seen my dad upset, but never cry until he found out I had the same mood disorder as him. My mom got PPD after she had me and bipolar I tends to show a ton of psychosis with women after childbirth. I don't want to either try to kill myself or my kid from PPD, think my kid's Jesus, or hear my kid has BP1 and has to go through it all too.

N1ghty wrote:I did start acting more extroverted in late teens and early twenties but that was more a facade to avoid unwanted attention and to function more easily than reflection of my inside states. And I guess I did forget at times of what I am, but that didn't last long.

A bit off-topic but I did the same thing. I think for me it was more experimental than anything else.

Holodeck wrote: For myself it was my own 7yr trainwreck of a marriage and divorce, and being terrified of passing my own fuked up genetics onto my kids.

That's a significant consideration a lot of people disregard. If I had a kid and it didn't come out looking like a pretzel, I'm quite sure I would damage it psychologically, albeit unintentionally.

Holodeck wrote:I think most including myself have roughly had this situation happen one way or another. Not sure how old you are, but it sounds like some highschool/college puppy love scenario.

Almost 24. Probably quite late for that, most people seem to get it at their early teens. I've had crushes before, but it was always faraway admiration while wishing for something, even though I never took action. Was rather anxious when I was younger, too.

Sounds like you idealized her in your head for about a year. You felt emotion of her through thinking of her in this sort of disociated meditative way, then got hit hard when the thing you felt safe thinking she would say yes turned out the opposite.

Yeah, it's just a best-case scenario thinking, which is generally bad, but it.. made me feel so good. Imagining waking up to her every morning after some passionate(?) sex felt really really great, and I'm kind of missing that feeling enough that I've actually asked a few other girls. They all smiled and told me I was awesome but told me they have a boyfriend.