Love

I don't have SPD, but I've never loved or even liked someone.

EmpathySucks wrote:Anyone ever felt it?

I recently got into some strange situation. While I don't really feel a need to
be with people, and my sex drive went down lately, I've recently met a girl I
really like. I can't tell if this is actually lust because I keep having those
strange scenarios in my mind about going on a date with her, waking up next to
her on morning, getting a kiss, coming back from work to have a meal ready,
strange stuff like that.

It's actually a longer story, because I met her a year and half ago but didn't
have the courage to ask her out. I've been a bit infatuated since then and hoped
to meet her again.

I've asked her out twice in the last week - both meetings were completely
coincidental. She told me she had a boyfriend on both occasions and I'm very
jealous now, it feels like something valuable to me was stolen.

It feels like such a strange passion to have. It's a strange kind of belonging
to a person I've never quite felt. Sometimes she pops into my head and I realize
she's not here and I get really disappointed.

This whole fantasy thing happens to Schizoids. The fantasy is always better than the reality though, trust me. The dating thing is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's important to maintain perspective on this subject. Some people can deal with everything better by going the "friends with benefits" route. I'm not saying that's you, but never rule it out (in the future).

Anyway, it sounds like you got carried away with the fantasy here. You projected this one lady in your fantasy too much (and you set yourself up to be disappointed if it didn't work out). I recommend projecting a large number of ladies in your fantasies. I'm talking all kinds. Never put too much stock in one. It's just another lady.

^and if you're gonna do it at all perhaps project the qualities you like rather than too much of the women you know in reality. Can be way more disappointing with actual people you know, than a fictional person with some similarities. Like I Dream 5 said, schizoids tend to delve into fantasy quite a bit. I never include people I actually know into mine. No need to have a bit of that too ripped from you if someone turns out to not be the way you like.

So, it's mostly over now. I don't really feel as strongly as I did.

Feels more like a strange episode. Back to the usual emptiness, I guess.

Still a bit curious how my life would look like if she said yes.

I Dream 5 wrote:This whole fantasy thing happens to Schizoids. The fantasy is always better than the reality though, trust me. The dating thing is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's important to maintain perspective on this subject. Some people can deal with everything better by going the "friends with benefits" route. I'm not saying that's you, but never rule it out (in the future).

It happened to you too? I've never quite felt as strong as this one did. In retrospect all of my ex-crushes was just because the girl was pretty, but I can't tell why this one actually (also) had a romantic (non-sexial?) aspect.

As far as the dating thing goes, not really sure if I'd dream about it. It's honestly more like another fantasy. The whole thing going great and then you get to sleep with the girl? Totally in my head but not in reality.

I've been thinking about signing up for Tinder or whatever but I've got no idea what to write on the would-be profile. Might as well write "wanna hook up?", everything else would be boring.

Anyway, it sounds like you got carried away with the fantasy here. You projected this one lady in your fantasy too much (and you set yourself up to be disappointed if it didn't work out). I recommend projecting a large number of ladies in your fantasies. I'm talking all kinds. Never put too much stock in one. It's just another lady.

Carried away? Is that even possible?

OP: They say PD symptoms can lessen over time for some.

Consciously or not, you settle into your lifestyle and learn to live with your limitations. For the first half of my adulthood I tried desperately to "leave the party". For the past ten years or so, I've pretty much achieved that and continue to maintain a level of isolation that allows me to live in comfort.

I've seen what it has to offer, which isn't much, and now I feel bored with it.

I have no interest in love or relationships, but I did go through a period when I was about your age when certain people/situations led me to believe it was possible. I got over that, but now I'm thinking I'm a little too isolated, and that it might not be a bad thing to get out more, to make something more of the few semi-friendships I currently have.

I was very social in my late teens and early twenties. A lot of memories from that period seem banal and wasteful, but there were some good times. Now that I know myself a whole lot better I'm wondering if I can evade the banality and recreate some of those good times.

I could be wrong. But it's more of an experiment than a need, so If I fail, it's no skin off my back.

So never say never.

naps wrote:OP: They say PD symptoms can lessen over time for some.

Consciously or not, you settle into your lifestyle and learn to live with your limitations. For the first half of my adulthood I tried desperately to "leave the party". For the past ten years or so, I've pretty much achieved that and continue to maintain a level of isolation that allows me to live in comfort.

I've seen what it has to offer, which isn't much, and now I feel bored with it.

I have no interest in love or relationships, but I did go through a period when I was about your age when certain people/situations led me to believe it was possible. I got over that, but now I'm thinking I'm a little too isolated, and that it might not be a bad thing to get out more, to make something more of the few semi-friendships I currently have.

I was very social in my late teens and early twenties. A lot of memories from that period seem banal and wasteful, but there were some good times. Now that I know myself a whole lot better I'm wondering if I can evade the banality and recreate some of those good times.

I could be wrong. But it's more of an experiment than a need, so If I fail, it's no skin off my back.

So never say never.

I think the most important thing for someone with Schizoid Personality Disorder is to realize that they actually have it. Figuring out that this was the cause of my issues (in my earlier years to the present) helped out a lot. It explained pretty much everything to me.

It's been 2 1/2 years since I came to the realization that I had this deal. I've become more and more comfortable with it. I'm not ashamed to have it. It's just me and the reality of my situation, that's all. It has it's positives and negatives. But it really does explain a lot. I can see how it has impacted my life. It's one of those things...albeit one of those unusual things, to say the least.

I Dream 5 wrote:I think the most important thing for someone with Schizoid Personality Disorder is to realize that they actually have it. Figuring out that this was the cause of my issues (in my earlier years to the present) helped out a lot. It explained pretty much everything to me.

I felt the same. But at the same time, while it was comforting to blame a personality disorder for the issues I was having and not myself, I don't think doing this is necessarily a good thing. I don't consider SPD to be a mental illness the same way something like OCD is. It's more of a personality flaw run amok. And while treatment for PD's is more difficult and less effective than it is for certain mental illness, I am no longer content to just sit with it.

In the years since my diagnosis, my schizoid traits have gotten worse. I'm much more isolated and more detached. I've been wont to accept severe maladaptive daydreaming and apathy, whereas I used to fight it. And again, while it's freed me of the blame (of myself) for my shortcomings/behavior, it's also allowed the negative affects to flourish a bit more. I'm over the comfort/acceptance stage. I want to accomplish more. I don't want to sink any deeper.

It's almost an existential thing; I'm not getting any younger. I've shut out the world as much as possible in the last couple of decades, and while my internal world is rich enough, I'm starting to wonder if it isn't a means to an end.

I Dream 5 wrote:
I think the most important thing for someone with Schizoid Personality Disorder is to realize that they actually have it. Figuring out that this was the cause of my issues (in my earlier years to the present) helped out a lot. It explained pretty much everything to me..

It does explain much however it hasn't helped me so far. I don't try to change, I will probably live and die alone and empty. The worst thing is I don't care much.

Been thinking about it lately. Why this specific girl?

I still find plenty of women attractive, and they're all the same: I barely know them. While I'm still feeling bad for not having her, I'm also questioning at the same time: why her? What made her so special in my eyes?

This is even stranger: to really like a person and wish them to be there with you, but then questioning why are they even there? When I think about it, it felt like a way "out". It also felt like one of the few things that made me happy. It made me feel incredibly warm inside. But why would I feel that way with someone I barely even know?

I'm now strangely stuck between wanting her but questioning why I want her. Imagine being hungry, and then seeing a steak, cake, apple or whatever would satisfy your hunger, and then thinking "wait, I'm not hungry.". It doesn't make sense.

EmpathySucks wrote:I'm now strangely stuck between wanting her but questioning why I want her. Imagine being hungry, and then seeing a steak, cake, apple or whatever would satisfy your hunger, and then thinking "wait, I'm not hungry.". It doesn't make sense.

Sounds pretty schizoid to me.