Are you afraid to die?

Aikenhead wrote:I'm sure a select few would willingly allow their life to end without a fight, but I can't quite imagine what someones state of mind would have to be to allow it. I've never been depressed or suicidal, so it's difficult for me to imagine what it's like to be willing to die.

I am not sure what my state of mind is but I imagine it like I am done doing whatever it is I needed to do. It's not the overwhelmed type where I think I am out of options.

Aikenhead wrote:

Holodeck wrote:Either way I feel suicide is a lacking of closure, taboo, situation. It seems like it being that type of situation is what makes a lot of people focus on it more. It makes them more depressed and downward spiral-focused on it. I have suicidal themed OCD issues despite not being suicidal (obviously parental issues). That ripple is a daily constant. I was on meds and it seemed to stop which was nice for those two and a half weeks, but then had to stop due to an allergic reaction from them. Hopefully the new ones will help.

Excuse my ignorance, but what do you mean by suicidal themed OCD issues despite not being suicidal?

No worries. Thanks to shows like Monk, many don't get what OCD actually is. OCD is when the brain is focussed on intrusive thoughts. It tells the sufferer things like how they NEED to do things they know they shouldn't or don't need to do.

Imagine having a horrible rash that itches non stop. You know you shouldn't scratch it, because that'll give only a half-relief at best and soon after make it itch worse. This itching can even be as bad as to keep you up late at night. So instead of itching all you can do is distract yourself by say cleaning. Problem is the thing that gave you the rash is native and overgrown where you live, so eventually you'll get it again.

My meds I was on helped get rid of the issue...but ended up giving me an actual rash, so I had to stop taking the meds.

One with this problem can get OCD about all sorts of things. I may suddenly NEED to flip a light switch a certain number of times, or NEED to walk a longer path even though no harm would come from the shorter one.

Often (however especially when I'm in a low due to my mood disorder) I get harm and suicide OCD thoughts. These will create vivid, nightmarish, intrusive, thoughts in my head. If I'm say near something sharp, my thoughts will center on what it'd be like if I self harmed to the point of death. If near traffic it would be thoughts of what it'd be like to die from jumping into traffic.

I don't want to do these things AT ALL, but my thoughts will focus on things like that anyway.

Aikenhead wrote:Normally, when people fear death it appears to be because they fear not "doing anything" before they die.

I think that's one common reason.
Another, quite normal, is that they don't want to leave those they love.
At this point for me, that would be my reason for fearing death - it wouldn't be about leaving anything undone or unfulfilled.

No, I am more afraid "to live". I don't mind existing though.

Holodeck wrote:

Aikenhead wrote:

Holodeck wrote:Either way I feel suicide is a lacking of closure, taboo, situation. It seems like it being that type of situation is what makes a lot of people focus on it more. It makes them more depressed and downward spiral-focused on it. I have suicidal themed OCD issues despite not being suicidal (obviously parental issues). That ripple is a daily constant. I was on meds and it seemed to stop which was nice for those two and a half weeks, but then had to stop due to an allergic reaction from them. Hopefully the new ones will help.

Excuse my ignorance, but what do you mean by suicidal themed OCD issues despite not being suicidal?

No worries. Thanks to shows like Monk, many don't get what OCD actually is. OCD is when the brain is focussed on intrusive thoughts. It tells the sufferer things like how they NEED to do things they know they shouldn't or don't need to do.

Imagine having a horrible rash that itches non stop. You know you shouldn't scratch it, because that'll give only a half-relief at best and soon after make it itch worse. This itching can even be as bad as to keep you up late at night. So instead of itching all you can do is distract yourself by say cleaning. Problem is the thing that gave you the rash is native and overgrown where you live, so eventually you'll get it again.

My meds I was on helped get rid of the issue...but ended up giving me an actual rash, so I had to stop taking the meds.

One with this problem can get OCD about all sorts of things. I may suddenly NEED to flip a light switch a certain number of times, or NEED to walk a longer path even though no harm would come from the shorter one.

Often (however especially when I'm in a low due to my mood disorder) I get harm and suicide OCD thoughts. These will create vivid, nightmarish, intrusive, thoughts in my head. If I'm say near something sharp, my thoughts will center on what it'd be like if I self harmed to the point of death. If near traffic it would be thoughts of what it'd be like to die from jumping into traffic.

I don't want to do these things AT ALL, but my thoughts will focus on things like that anyway.

If you have stopped taking your meds, how do you keep the intrusive thoughts at bay? I have no experience with thoughts like that, but I imagine that simply wishing it away doesn’t quite cut it. Not to make light of your situation, it genuinely sounds awful, but it’s also very interesting. It make me wonder what the mind is trying to achieve by sending such self-destructive signals to you.

Aikenhead wrote:
If you have stopped taking your meds, how do you keep the intrusive thoughts at bay? I have no experience with thoughts like that, but I imagine that simply wishing it away doesn’t quite cut it. Not to make light of your situation, it genuinely sounds awful, but it’s also very interesting. It make me wonder what the mind is trying to achieve by sending such self-destructive signals to you.

I keep busy with something (anything) a lot. My main motivation is typically to stay away from dark thoughts. It's been rough. I had to miss work today (I work for myself so thankfully I don't get reprimanded when I need a day off).

No worries on offending me. I find deviations of the norm interesting as well.

I believe it stems from essentially every time something bad happened my parents would over-exagerate, freak out and make death seem like the only possible solution to the problem.

New person gets hired with less experience, and annoys my dad when he's in a low...next week he's in a mental facility for threatening to shoot himself.

I tell my mom I disagree with her and she started claiming she'd kill us both while driving. I'd say sorry due to her already driving erratically. We would get home and an hour later I'd find her in the car in the closed garage crying and telling me to leave because nobody loves and appreciates her.

Basically put when bad things happen the idiot part of my brain says "Hey! 'member when your parents were losing their minds? I sure as hell 'member! 'Member how they reacted to bad things? You gonna do that? Here let's 'member some scenarios with you in their place, and see if you want to do it too!"

OCD loves "checking" so coupled with those events, it can spiral into bad depressive lows for me if I don't force myself to read, watch a movie or show (anything).

I'm not afraid of dying, but am very afraid of becoming sick or disabled. I don't have insurance and am living in poverty so I will probably be placed in a nursing home.

evawright wrote:I don't have insurance and am living in poverty so I will probably be placed in a nursing home.

Oh good I'm not alone. Maybe we'll be roommates.