The Spectrum

i competely relate. i feel the same. i keep wondering if i have something and then i doubt anyone would diagnose me.
i am sure i do have emotional problems but i am not sure if it could go as far as pd or only traits or something else.
but i guess it doesn't need to be a pd to seek help to improve your life with therapy.
of course that is theoretical because practically i don't seem to be able to go a psychologist. but even being here is something i guess

julllia wrote:I often think when i read about couples that if i could choose only one state of mind it would be better.
My problem is that if i find someone more distant i feel abandoned and that he doesn't care enough,
But if i find someone too clingy, there would be a point that i want space and i am freaking out and i feel very similar with what you described.
although theoretically and ideally i want someone clingy to feel loved.practically i feel introverted and want space often and i switch between 2 feelings.

Can't diagnose obviously, but the bolded bits make me think avoidant.

Sorry you have to go through this. Though I don't have those particular issues, the ones I do have often make me feel like my brain has two people with very differing personalities fighting to run it. This causes all sorts of dumb issues trying to iron out how I prefer living. It definitely makes relationships difficult too.

i know i think avoidant too but it doesn't quite match ,this is why i go to borderline often.
because i can be very social and i don't feel anxious or i like confrontation and arguing or i can be clingy for a period. but i am sure there is avoidance too as traits.like sometimes is avoidant in dependence with the person.
i talk to people to compare and relate.
i go to avodant forum and it doesn't quite match but it doesn't completely match with borderline either.i mean the closer i get is to be a mix. or i only have traits. but borderlines are more social ,avoidants slightly hitting on my nerves of how closed up they are and i can't express myself

-- Wed Nov 29, 2017 2:25 pm --

what do you have? oh do i remember correctly,you are dating a borderline and have spd?

i mean the main problem is i know how i can be avoidant in relationships or in my attachment.but how can i have the pd in general when i enjoy being social

julllia wrote:i know i think avoidant too but it doesn't quite match ,this is why i go to borderline often.
because i can be very social and i don't feel anxious or i like confrontation and arguing or i can be clingy for a period. but i am sure there is avoidance too as traits.like sometimes is avoidant in dependence with the person.
i talk to people to compare and relate.
i go to avodant forum and it doesn't quite match but it doesn't completely match with borderline either.i mean the closer i get is to be a mix. or i only have traits. but borderlines are more social ,avoidants slightly hitting on my nerves of how closed up they are and i can't express myself

But yeah no clue for sure. Have you ever talked to a specialist?

julllia wrote:What do you have? oh do i remember correctly,you are dating a borderline and have spd?

I'm bipolar I with nearly every trait of SPD. My boyfriend is dx'ed with Asperger's. My psychologist dealt with him enough that she's confirmed he's a narcissist and likely also borderline. He tends to act more narc around others and more BPD at home.

julllia wrote:i mean the main problem is i know how i can be avoidant in relationships or in my attachment.but how can i have the pd in general when i enjoy being social

I'm a schizoid who is an extrovert. I feel ya.

schizoid and bipolar seems strange compination indeed. but it makes you more interesting .
indeed why not both. it seems to be common actually to have both traits.
i feel like EasyasPi .that i would go to a specialist and he would say "i don't know what you are talking about,maybe you are just depressed or have social anxiety" lol
i haven't gone. (my family had a very invalidating mentality that everyone feels like you.also i don't have money to spare. and the stories i read how difficult is to find someone you like scare me. my avoidance makes me not want to go i guess lol)
how did you go to therapy first time? do you go often?

julllia wrote:schizoid and bipolar seems strange compination indeed. but it makes you more interesting .

Hah well I can't argue with that.

I would go to a specialist and he would say "i don't know what you are talking about,maybe you are just depressed or have social anxiety" lol

Well before I went I had read about SPD and thought most of it sounded right. This link shows which traits I don't have with red x's by them. The rest I do. The underlined bits mean I don't match those underlined words, but everything else in that trait. The ones I don't do seem to mainly be due to my BP1 for the most part. For instance I'll be more assertive due to being particularly grandiose while manic or whatever. Over time I simply learned it wasn't a big deal, and that it typically was better for me to be assertive than a doormat anyway.
https://i.imgur.com/Fsc5XzS.png

I came across a description about SPD when I was looking up something that happened to have nothing to do with mental health. Both my parents have issues. My dad was misdiagnosed and my mom would go in for a session, then storm out calling the therapist a quack when they said something she disagreed with. Fairly certain she's in the histrionic range.

She tried to push the diagnosis my dad had on me. I knew that diagnosis didn't match, so I fought her over it. We'd then go to family therapy, and she'd storm out offended at something dumb before I'd get a dx or meds.

I've always been concerned of my mental state, but I got really paranoid about meds for a long time due to that situation. Thing is my dad like me is bipolar I. He was given anti-depressants, and those are SUPER BAD for BP1. Basically it magnified his symptoms. After reading the page on SPD I found a linked page about other pd's. When I read schizotypal, I thought it sounded a lot (but not quite) like my situation.

My boyfriend had been getting really concerned with how I acted. I'd spend hours by myself. He'd catch me talking quietly to myself, but like I was talking to other people. This worried him. I mentioned the schizotypal thing to him. He read it and the schizoid page. He then said to me that he knew I had a ton of ptsd, that sometimes I could be completely rational, and other times he didn't know where the hell I came up with thoughts of things I would decide were true. It concerned him that I never remembered when I had said these irrational things. I still to this day have trouble with it, though I now can remember bits and be aware when I'm having irrational thoughts. Like I'll say to him how I "feel" someone we know has ill will towards me, but then realize I have no actual proof other than a feeling and state that it's apparently that time again and tell him to ignore me.

how did you go to therapy first time? do you go often?

I go once a week.

I set up the appointment since I knew he was right. Plus I didn't want to get worse. The therapist said I didn't seem schizotypal but I did seem to remind her strongly of her schizoid nephew and over time she recognized my mood disorder. It was difficult to get me to give straight answers about the mood disorder as I have a bad memory with things involving me feeling low. She said a few things that triggered my memory, and I confirmed with others by phone while in the appointment that I had indeed done the things. I felt I needed to in the appointment due to my memory.

i haven't gone. (my family had a very invalidating mentality that everyone feels like you.also i don't have money to spare. and the stories i read how difficult is to find someone you like scare me. my avoidance makes me not want to go i guess lol)

I can completely understand that. Being told that constantly has to be difficult when you know there's something up. Over time part of your brain refuses to want to move forward since it's indoctrinated by people who likely also have something up with themselves but don't want to confront it. My mom was thrilled I was getting help but refused to believe I was SPD due to feeling guilt over it. I told her it was likely related mostly to my ptsd with my ex, then suddenly she was on board the SPD train. No longer her fault in her mind, so all's good. Sure mom. Let's ignore the Munchhausen's by proxy along with extreme PPD and suicide attempts while threatening to take me with her.

^Sorry went on a rant. Hopefully you didn't get anything that bad.

Ill check into that, H.

I remember as a teenager i was quite a prankster. I once put a partial firecracker into a cigarette of a relative and sat there waiting for her to light it. I started shaking so hard from laughing, as i tried to squelch anything audble, and she brought the match to light it, and she said "whats so funny" and Blam! I braced my self for impact from getting hit by my mother - but it didn't happen.

As i got older i remember being more closed off and feeling less loose around people, and I felt uncomfortable around the16 year mark. I once hid in the bathroom to prep myself for company. My mother had a guy friend over, and I just had to retreat a bit to gather my composure.

So, I'd say 16 was a change for me, as i was putting more distance or loosing more interest in being a social being. There was a gradual drawing away from having an interest here.

I just wasn't the same person at 15 and before, for no apparent reason.

Later:

I think anhedonia showed its face at 30. I started the smart drug kick then looking for way out of it. Antidepressants did not work, i tried them all.

I went to see a psychologist about 11 years later and she said i didn't have autism; i had an unhealthy lifestyle centered around addictive behavior. (I thought i might have had Asperger's.)

One of the hallmarks of my cognition is I'm always thinking. In every photo, even in kindergarten, you will mostly see the 1000 yard stare. There are exceptions, but to this day i could show you a recent picture, and you could find me in that kindergarten class picture. My wife calls it "the blank look."

Thoughts trailing.... like a blog.