The Spectrum

Holodeck wrote:I was trained by my parents to be very avoidant, but when away from them I acted quite the opposite, both as a kid and teen/young adult. I'm not sure which/what thing specifically caused it for me, but I'm sure in many cases genetics is a possible precursor.

For me it was the opposite, I was encouraged even demanded by others to be more social, more open and assertive. And I would run and hide in a corner behind doors so nobody would find me.

I always preferred thinking and dreaming about things than actually doing them, when it happened it always felt a bit bleak and empty. I had few bad experiences with peers (but everyone has them growing up). I even thought to a point that other people fake their emotions too much, because they always appeared over the top for me but I guess it me that just feels way less than average person does.

Honestly I doesn't bother me much to be alone (I enjoy it much more than being in company that isn't intellectually stimulating or is emotionally too demanding), it just draws too much attention if people see how empty my life is, and that makes me uncomfortable. I need a front to hide behind and appear regular.

N1ghty wrote:For me it was the opposite, I was encouraged even demanded by others to be more social, more open and assertive. And I would run and hide in a corner behind doors so nobody would find me.

My mom would hide me behind her (sometimes with her hand on my mouth) and tell people I was shy. My dad always reminded me upon arriving to destinations not to talk to people as well. This was a theme even in my teens.

N1ghty wrote:I always preferred thinking and dreaming about things than actually doing them, when it happened it always felt a bit bleak and empty. I had few bad experiences with peers (but everyone has them growing up). I even thought to a point that other people fake their emotions too much, because they always appeared over the top for me but I guess it me that just feels way less than average person does.

I can see how easy it would be for one would feel that way when they're already so emotionally numb.

Honestly I doesn't bother me much to be alone (I enjoy it much more than being in company that isn't intellectually stimulating or is emotionally too demanding), it just draws too much attention if people see how empty my life is, and that makes me uncomfortable. I need a front to hide behind and appear regular.

And see I need alone time to recharge, but at the same time badly crave being around people. The only times I don't want to be around others is when events become very difficult. I don't like inflicting my stress on others. It used to be a worse situation for me. I used to not be able to be around people at all, yet crave it. Now I'm basically learning how to make a new habit of being around people.

I figure it helps that the company I keep isn't annoying intellectually or emotionally draining for me.

I figure if I were an introvert it wouldn't bother me at all, but things didn't play out for me like that.

As a kid i'd search out neighborhood kids to play with or ride bikes. I couldn't stand being by myself at home - no siblings here. I used to rove the city blocks in hopes i'd see someone out in the yard and do something with them - i was that bored. I had a girlfriend around when i was 7 yo. She came from a Mennonite family and they had no TV i remember. They used a reel mower ( non powered) to cut the grass.

I hung out with everyone available and i remember me being 10 and i'd knock on a neighbor's door to play catch with. He was 18 and seemed bothered by me but he'd indulge me. Lol

I always felt lifeless with boredom always facing me at the door.

I was babied by mother but never was checked on. I did anything i wanted to do. The flip side was too little discipline.

The thing with all my friends is it never ran deep. It was all a distraction to pas away time. I never felt anything on the inside or emotional connection.

I played baseball for 3 years and the time away from the field was the end of it.

ZonedOut wrote:There isn't a one-on-one relationship between internal experience and behavior, nor do I believe that the severity of one's schizoidness can be measured by the amount of social interaction. That would be oversimplification taken to outright absurd levels (but sadly not even uncommon in mainstream psychiatry). Of course, there may be a correlation, but there is so much more going on inside, in one's private experience hidden from the outside observer, and ultimately in one's sense of being in itself.

Withdrawing from social interaction is just one of several SPD traits. Different people have different traits to varying degrees.

The guy in the video talks about going to the gym with a friend. What schizoid has friends? What schizoid would rather go to a gym than work out at home?

Well, him.

naps, using your 36 item test as a metric, hypothetically, it seems that psychic energy or "feeling" is what is at play, and the more into it, you'd expect less social activity. That seems to line up with my idea in the upper part of this thread by way of "what it looks like" on the outside.

Test: schizoid-personality/topic194424.html#p2021643

I've sometimes wondered what subclinical "this or that" looks like, externally. Going back to IQ in this thread, there is a synergy with it, at high scores, and below certain scores there is a " non gifted range." You are or you are not, in a split.

Maybe that's how some can have just traits being expressed from a lack in synergy, even though they might have hit 19, thus there is not any impairment in a sudden drop.

I think the "lower schizoid" state is interesting, because one can look very choppy, with spikes and troughs, peaks or valleys, which I present in outward behaviors ↕.

For example, when I buy something like a new vehicle, I drive it over to a friends house to show it off: Honk, honk, "hey looky here!"

Or:

Conversely, when they buy one, I'm there to enjoy their joy of ownership, etc. I'm interested.

I get excited when buying things.

The other side to it is I've gone for months without talking to someone outside of business and never felt a need for intimate connections, but still wanted it, but once there didn't want it, and once away, want it again. It's a life full of contradictions.

It's these examples that make it hard to pinpoint a disorder because of being spread out all over the map.

Slicing the pie up looks like ╥.

One of my strong traits is eccentricity.

EasyasPi wrote:naps, using your 36 item test as a metric, hypothetically, it seems that psychic energy or "feeling" is what is at play, and the more into it, you'd expect less social activity. That seems to line up with my idea in the upper part of this thread by way of "what it looks like" on the outside.

Test: schizoid-personality/topic194424.html#p2021643

I've sometimes wondered what subclinical "this or that" looks like, externally. Going back to IQ in this thread, there is a synergy with it, at high scores, and below certain scores there is a " non gifted range." You are or you are not, in a split.

Maybe that's how some can have just traits being expressed from a lack in synergy, even though they might have hit 19, thus there is not any impairment in a sudden drop.

i hit 19 ,i don't have spd but i do have attachment "impairment" most probably.i forgot to say in the other threat. that is why , i mean i don't look schizoid socially but the insecure attachments is probably the connection

julllia wrote:
i hit 19 ,i don't have spd but i do have attachment "impairment" most probably.i forgot to say in the other threat. that is why , i mean i don't look schizoid socially but the insecure attachments is probably the connection

julllia, are you avoiding attachments relationship-wise, because of the emotional pain of feeling let down by preemptively nipping it in the bud before it even starts ?

I don't know why i want to run away. What i understand less is when i honestly stop wanting the other. Not when i try to test him because i want reassurance .
You see i don't consciously think why.i just stop wanting it.
I have to pressure myself to start wondering why and still i am not sure.
Even With friendships lately it doesn't give me much pleasure to try to be more social. Like i have not enough emotional reward to be motivated. Although i want deeper connection but since i don't feel that i see no point. Like superficial is not satisfying enough
Does it make sense.is it in anyway similar with spd.why are you asking?

-- Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:56 pm --

If i pressure myself to feel why. Maybe i try to avoid abandonment

julllia wrote:I don't know why i want to run away. What i understand less is when i honestly stop wanting the other. Not when i try to test him because i want reassurance .
You see i don't consciously think why.i just stop wanting it.
I have to pressure myself to start wondering why and still i am not sure.
Even With friendships lately it doesn't give me much pleasure to try to be more social. Like i have not enough emotional reward to be motivated. Although i want deeper connection but since i don't feel that i see no point. Like superficial is not satisfying enough
Does it make sense.is it in anyway similar with spd.why are you asking?

-- Mon Nov 27, 2017 6:56 pm --

If i pressure myself to feel why. Maybe i try to avoid abandonment

I was asking so the thread would clear, here, on what you wrote, and for me to understand better what it means to you.

Thank you.

IDK about a generic SPD spin, J, but to me, the less demands on me the better. I'm married to an introvert and she gives me my space in a red carpet format. Well mannered, soft spoken, in fact sometimes you have to listen hard to hear her in a conversation, like at a restaurant with background noise, as an example.

When we met i knew we were fit. Sometimes i'll play around and experiment with my imagination and look at women i know, put myself there as an imaginary partner, and absolutely feel smothered by most everyone.

If i were married to someone clingy, it would be like having a balloon tied to your foot, with the string the height of your face, with a smiley face on, and that baby followed you around, everywhere. Every time you stopped, it would bump you right in the face, with its smiley face, bumping against your face. In other words i would be really annoyed by it.

Some are OK, but It feels like an intrusion into my space.

All in all heavy demands and filling a specific role are not for me.

It would suck the life right out of me.

Also, It's funny because she had 4 kids that i helped raise. Somehow i managed. They were teenagers, and that might explain it.

Part of the reason we married is i felt i could make a difference. In other words I felt sorry for her, and not too many people are worth it.