Lack of empathy

I talked about this privately with a person who opened my eyes on how I relate to lack of empathy:

- in relationships such as friendships or work relationships, it doesn't bother me to interact with people who lack empathy.
- Problems with lack of empathy arise when there is associated cruelty or manipulation.
- An intermediate issue that I can think of, is lacking patience because you find it hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes. So it's possible to come across as cruel without sadism or manipulative behaviors. My harp teacher displayed similar behaviors during the 10 years I was her student from 6 to 16, and it did leave scars.

Empathy might not be the worst thing to lack. Being stupid or controlling or both at the same time, I personally find a lot worst. In very close, intimate relationships, it's another story as people want their emotional side to receive at least minimal acknowledgement.

PerplexedMan wrote:But generally, it is a lack of trust and willingness to accommodate what is seen as unnecessary attachment (ie: responsability).

Maybe that's not what you meant but I don't think it has to do with fleeing from responsibilities. It has more to do with not letting people peer into what you unconsciously perceive as an ugly, unlovable self.

HislilPrincess wrote:I don't have time or energy to save the people from issues that should even be an issue.

But how do you know what is an issue or not ?

PerplexedMan wrote:@ iabsurdlyexist: Aha so you are married? Interesting... How is that going for you? I am not opposed to the idea of getting married because I see it as a marker for maturity and way to get progeny. But I am nonetheless celibate for life for religious reasons. I think if I decided to get married I would do a relatively good job at it even though I am Schizoid. But still interested in your perspective.

It's been 19 years so I guess that is pretty good. As for maturity or progeny reasons, never really crossed my mind. It's relatively easy if you are able to compromise and your partner keeps emotional outbursts/logic to themselves.

Religious celibacy seems like an interesting course. For me, I have pretty much had enough so I'd struggle with a never ending afterlife. Maybe you see more to it but now I am getting off topic.

Do you guys really lack empathy, or do you just don't care enough about others to actually ''do something'' with the felt empathy other than just trying to shrug it off/get rid of it?

iabsurdlyexist wrote:

PerplexedMan wrote:@ iabsurdlyexist: Aha so you are married? Interesting... How is that going for you? I am not opposed to the idea of getting married because I see it as a marker for maturity and way to get progeny. But I am nonetheless celibate for life for religious reasons. I think if I decided to get married I would do a relatively good job at it even though I am Schizoid. But still interested in your perspective.

It's been 19 years so I guess that is pretty good. As for maturity or progeny reasons, never really crossed my mind. It's relatively easy if you are able to compromise and your partner keeps emotional outbursts/logic to themselves.

Religious celibacy seems like an interesting course. For me, I have pretty much had enough so I'd struggle with a never ending afterlife. Maybe you see more to it but now I am getting off topic.

I see. It depends what you mean by compromise. You definitely don't want to be a doormat. But I hear what you are saying (ie: don't be selfish). As for the emotional outbursts that's to be expected. It's very rare that you find a partner who won't cause drama. It's about handling said drama.

Haha, it is a blissful state nothing like the garbage existence we have here

@ZonedOut: The two are the same. Not doing anything is lack of sympathy. I definitely don't lack the latter. I am very willing to help people but sometimes can't identify just how hurt they are. It just doesn't register and it's not a big concern for me.

PerplexedMan wrote:@ZonedOut: The two are the same. Not doing anything is lack of sympathy. I definitely don't lack the latter. I am very willing to help people but sometimes can't identify just how hurt they are. It just doesn't register and it's not a big concern for me.

The first is inability, the second is unwillingness. I think it's a key difference.

ZonedOut wrote:Do you guys really lack empathy, or do you just don't care enough about others to actually ''do something'' with the felt empathy other than just trying to shrug it off/get rid of it?

I was just basing it off the "Empathy quotient" topic in which I scored much lower than I thought I would. Not quite sure how accurate it is or which kind of empathy it is measuring.

-- Fri Oct 20, 2017 8:39 pm --

PerplexedMan wrote:I see. It depends what you mean by compromise. You definitely don't want to be a doormat. But I hear what you are saying (ie: don't be selfish). As for the emotional outbursts that's to be expected. It's very rare that you find a partner who won't cause drama. It's about handling said drama.

Haha, it is a blissful state nothing like the garbage existence we have here

On occasion, I get a little jealousy drama and about how I don't communicate everything with her. I usually just tell her I can't fix that and that's something she needs to work on. That probably sounds worse than than it really it.

As for the blissful state, that is what I can't logically wrap my head around. I see no point in a constant state of bliss. Don't get me wrong, dealing with constant crap isn't great either. But eternally? Geez.

ZonedOut wrote:Do you guys really lack empathy, or do you just don't care enough about others to actually ''do something'' with the felt empathy other than just trying to shrug it off/get rid of it?

Doesn’t usually matter. Someone else will do it, right?

iabsurdlyexist wrote:

ZonedOut wrote:Do you guys really lack empathy, or do you just don't care enough about others to actually ''do something'' with the felt empathy other than just trying to shrug it off/get rid of it?

I was just basing it off the "Empathy quotient" topic in which I scored much lower than I thought I would. Not quite sure how accurate it is or which kind of empathy it is measuring.

Empathy quotient as far as I know indeed doesn't really make a distinction in whether empathy is really lacking, or whether it's there but fended off for particular reasons.

UK SPD wrote:I suppose that most people probably assume that others have similar empathy levels to themselves - unless they are presented with evidence otherwise. So long as you don't make a joke out of their mother just dying they'll assume you mean it if you say that you're sorry for their loss. It's part of the oiling of the social wheels that your lack of empathy is disregarded as much as possible.

But we must also not forget that one of the indicators of SPD is 'flattened emotional response' which can easily be confused with lack of empathy.

ZonedOut wrote:Empathy quotient as far as I know indeed doesn't really make a distinction in whether empathy is really lacking, or whether it's there but fended off for particular reasons.

If I fend it off, it's probably pretty automatic by now. I use the term cognitive empathy loosely in that I can logically understand why a person could be feeling a certain way. I don't actually feel more for that particular person. Well, sometimes I will absorb a pain or sickness but I don't know what to call that.

For example, my wife will actually feel something when those Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercials come on and then it may induce anger sometimes. I understand that animal abuse sucks but that's about the extent of it.