Lack of empathy

How do you folks deal with your obvious lack of empathy (if it is)? I can sort of pass under the radar in casual exchanges but in prolonged relationships I feel that my lack of concern for others is pretty obvious. I mean I am sympathetic to people but I don't get emotionally stirred from within when someone is not happy or in pain. Do you ever get "caught out"?

People figure out eventually. But I've never been called out on it, probably because I'm not really close enough to anyone to have that honest a conversation.

Once however someone said to me "Well, you keep everyone at arm's length." I don't remember the context of the conversation, but there were other people involved, and the comment came and went, so I wonder if people just take that as a given where I'm concerned. Maybe they think it's a character flaw. Very few people know of my diagnosis (other than OCD since that's sometimes hard to hide) because I feel like dropping the word "schizoid" needs some kind of explanation, and the last thing I want to do is explain SPD.

I think my reduced sense of empathy (I'm not totally lacking, though it is selective) affects me more than others where social matters are concerned. I hesitate to ask a lot of favors, especially big ones, because I tell myself I haven't earned the right; I don't contribute to relationships and friendships. Dong so always seems like such a chore, and the times I've tried I felt insincere on my part.
I tend to take more than give where others are concerned. This is probably less apparent than I think it is, but I never accept invitations or offer favors myself (though I try to) so the last thing I need to hear is "Why should I help you out? What have you ever done for me?". Not that people would be so harsh, but sometimes I think that's what they're thinking.

What is that? Paranoia? Insecurity? I don't know.

At least it makes me more self-reliant.

It is what it is, is my motto. and just be yourself. Anything else is not you and lacks authenticity. I listen and sometimes try to solve the problem, and sometimes listening is all that people want you to do, in a vent; but then you can express sympathy if you read it right.

A lot of men shoot for the answer first anyway, even in deep relationships and they can get called out for it - I've seen it. And a lot of men, I've noticed, do not want to get all squishy from gender roles, at least here in the US.

I can feel considerable guilt and even empathy for the hurt I'm sure, or suspect, some family members feel for my undemonstrative behavior and usual lack of affection for them.

One thing is, in order to have empathy for someone on a regular basis you have to connect with their thoughts and feelings, and so many of my family's thoughts and feelings are so alien to me, I just can't do that. Most, unlike me, are very unphilosophical, and full of ideas I see as ridiculous and inane.

One of two first order relative confidants is my youngest brother, who I see as relatively schizoidish. We aren't touchy-feely toward one another or dude bros, but we have sort of what I'll risk calling a "schizoid bond" because we think alike in many ways and have similar interests and solitary lives.

My method of "pushing people away" isn't always cold, sometimes it can be cheerful, but even when the latter, it's obvious to people I'm saying "keep your distance".

I don't believe I have ever been questioned on it due to never being in situations where someone could. The lack of friends and socializing probably has something to do with that. My wife knows I am physically there for her and doesn't expect anything in words. Maybe I have tried in the past and failed miserably.

I suppose that most people probably assume that others have similar empathy levels to themselves - unless they are presented with evidence otherwise. So long as you don't make a joke out of their mother just dying they'll assume you mean it if you say that you're sorry for their loss. It's part of the oiling of the social wheels that your lack of empathy is disregarded as much as possible.

naps wrote:People figure out eventually. But I've never been called out on it, probably because I'm not really close enough to anyone to have that honest a conversation.

Once however someone said to me "Well, you keep everyone at arm's length." I don't remember the context of the conversation, but there were other people involved, and the comment came and went, so I wonder if people just take that as a given where I'm concerned. Maybe they think it's a character flaw. Very few people know of my diagnosis (other than OCD since that's sometimes hard to hide) because I feel like dropping the word "schizoid" needs some kind of explanation, and the last thing I want to do is explain SPD.

I think my reduced sense of empathy (I'm not totally lacking, though it is selective) affects me more than others where social matters are concerned. I hesitate to ask a lot of favors, especially big ones, because I tell myself I haven't earned the right; I don't contribute to relationships and friendships. Dong so always seems like such a chore, and the times I've tried I felt insincere on my part.
I tend to take more than give where others are concerned. This is probably less apparent than I think it is, but I never accept invitations or offer favors myself (though I try to) so the last thing I need to hear is "Why should I help you out? What have you ever done for me?". Not that people would be so harsh, but sometimes I think that's what they're thinking.

What is that? Paranoia? Insecurity? I don't know.

At least it makes me more self-reliant.

What you refer to is neither insecurity nor paranoia. This is at the core of the "pulling away" that defines the Schizoid position. Megalomaniacs (narcissists) pull away for self-aggrandisement (ie: I'm better than people so I am self-sufficient). Schizoids feel a strong need to pull away and be self-sufficient but for other reasons. They are more concerned with preserving autonomy and fear their self becoming diluted in a relationship. It might involve some paranoia about people's true intentions. But generally, it is a lack of trust and willingness to accommodate what is seen as unnecessary attachment (ie: responsability). I should mention that it is also a damage-control. No attachment, no hurt.

-- Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:47 pm --

@ iabsurdlyexist: Aha so you are married? Interesting... How is that going for you? I am not opposed to the idea of getting married because I see it as a marker for maturity and way to get progeny. But I am nonetheless celibate for life for religious reasons. I think if I decided to get married I would do a relatively good job at it even though I am Schizoid. But still interested in your perspective.

@UKSPD: You really hit the nail on that one. It is not in anyone's benefit to call you out on lack of empathy. They need people to function normally so they can advance their daily agendas and stroke their egos. Completely agree.

@UKSPD: You really hit the nail on that one. It is not in anyone's benefit to call you out on lack of empathy. They need people to function normally so they can advance their daily agendas and stroke their egos. Completely agree

i was thinking about that.you can call out someone's lack of empathy when he is willing to learn from their mistakes .if you call out a lost cause,that will attack you and obsess over revenge and learn nothing from his mistakes nor take the blame and not able to talk like adult and discuss about feelings.then people will just avoid you as lost cause and useless to try.
but people often in healthy relationships talk about their feelings and how they hurt each other.
of course this is for closer relationships. at a lot of social situations people just do not care enough.wear a typical mask.
they just want to do their work and get over it.

I don't think I have as much empathy for others as some people however I do have empathy for those I love. I call it selective empathy. It isn't because I don't know how another is feeling when I choose not to empathize with them, its mainly bc I just don't care enough about their problem or situation. I'm tried of having to listen to people who bring on so much drama, I either pity or empathize with this type. Most people are fake away, they use emotions to manipulate you into falling into their victim trap. As I got older I realized I don't have to play savior nor to I have to engage with those who constantly want you to empathize with issues they bring apon themselves.

The world is a pity party and I'm no longer attending. I do well to keep an opened ear for those I'm close with, I don't have time or energy to save the people from issues that should even be an issue.

I've never been a sympathetic or empathize with lots of people. I know my strengths and weaknesses and dealing with sensitive issues with people is not in my wheelhouse. I leave sensitive issues to those who naturally verbalize emotions as this is not in my area of comfort.

but on the other hand is really awful when there is abuse and everyone lets it happen,and noone defends the victim. usually heroes are the one who stand up against