Reunion w aunt after 5 year's estrangement

Dalloway wrote:

naps wrote:but I'm not sure I can participate.

Of course you can! It's not necessarily only about the response but the different and oftentimes subtle forms of toxic communication. Did you feel worthless? How did they do that?

When I was mistreated as a child I thought I did something wrong,
as a teen I started to feel mistreated but kept quiet most of the time out of habit,
in my twenties I realised I would never treat someone that way and I became more and more enraged with myself I didn't went medieval on their asses. When I visited them it was super stressful to me because I wanted to confront every abusive behaviour, so to not wake up 14 days later realising it was abusive again and I didn't even notice it again. Habit can be a bitch and there isn't a nice fluffy medal at the end of your life for being a doormat.

The examples are maybe helpful, to notice similarities and to know what to look out for. I had quite a few moments of insight after I left my parental home, like 'Wait a second … that was abusive, 10 years ago … ' or 'Why did I even open the door, damnit' *winkwink*.
How would you respond today or what would your advise be for someone in the same situation (car taken away, etc.)?

Eight wrote:Even therapists from #######5 childhoods need to do things like what I'm describing

It's just another way to declare your freedom. It doesn't do anyone any good to walk around with a hard ball of anger inside them. Yet we're more willing to preserve the anger, even if it's a killer, than we are to dare to touch into the sadness and grief that is under the anger.

I really like Dalloway's suggestions... a sort of roleplay thread where members share memories or situations and offer their view of it to others, perhaps with suggested lines of retort to the ongoing family script. I hope she starts a thread to do just that. Would definitely be interesting and might be really helpful.

naps wrote:I think I'll do some laundry.

Eight wrote:I really like Dalloway's suggestions.

Dalloway wrote:

naps wrote:I think I'll do some laundry.

I think this just got the most productive thread in this forum ever.

Skitterish wrote:As the title suggests. Urg, stomach-clench & head-fuzz. I don't want to do this & am concerned it will trigger a mental health mess (to put it mildly) and me bridge-burning.

I have to see her for reasons of family politics, it will be not-good to see her but much worse if I don't.

I spoke to my aunt on the phone. Zoned out & after the call startled by my clarity in realising her similarity to my narcissistic mother. Now feel guilty. Since the call I'm having a lot of bad memories of the past events that led up to me estranging myself from the 2 aunts...having fantasies about confronting her about their disrespect, standing up for myself.

My previous attempts at putting healthy boundaries in place backfired, seemed to invite their anger & wrath and confirm myself as the horrible family loon.

My aunt has mainly great qualities but towards me seems haughty & bossy, like I'm insignificant & just there to witness her awesomeness. It's hard to take & I feel provoked. I'm concerned I won't be able to zone out & will be confrontational. I should prepare a list of neutral topics e.g. the weather, but would need to have it written on a card to refer to (a bit visibly weird) as once I feel disrespected I won't be able to recall my name let alone those topics. I'd probly eat the card!

My aunts sees mentally unwell people as unpredictable & dangerous, much like a runaway tractor w no driver, and my condition as something that would be fixed simply with one psychiatric appointment. I see my aunts as provoking me!

I don't wish to disrespect her, she's a nice person, but feel that requires disrespecting myself, holding in my indignation. I'm fixated on the injustice & double-standards at play - why am I the family scapegoat. Do others find family this complicated?

My previous attempts at putting healthy boundaries in place backfired, seemed to invite their anger & wrath and confirm myself as the horrible family loon.

naps wrote:Exactly what are you and Eight talking about?

[...]share memories or situations and offer their view of it to others, perhaps with suggested lines of retort to the ongoing family script.

Dalloway wrote:Nah, you got that wrong. It's not procrastination but refusal. We make it look like an adjournment to not crush your hopes and dreams and to dodge any debate. So, your nagging is quite out of place. Please, just believe it will happen tomorrow.

Dalloway wrote:Nah, you got that wrong. It's not procrastination but refusal. We make it look like an adjournment to not crush your hopes and dreams and to dodge any debate. So, your nagging is quite out of place. Please, just believe it will happen tomorrow.