Reunion w aunt after 5 year's estrangement

You wrote to me by PM once and you opened up a little as part of an apology for misunderstanding a post and I never responded to it. I'm sorry for that.

It's not an issue with you. Things like that I generally distance myself from unless there is a button to be pressed somewhere. Reflecting back, I realise it was kind of a jackass move to not respond at all.

naps wrote:I like to think of myself as an open book here, but honestly, there are some places I'd rather not go.

Absolutely. In my mind there isn't even a reason to explain it. Also we somehow put you on the spot … and I don't really know how we got there … it wasn't my intention.
Let's pick someone to blame that didn't wrote anything.

No need. I really didn't feel like I was put on the spot, and if I was, that's fine too. I too often take the path of least resistance and wallow in my comfort zones, which does me no good. I don't mind being confronted.

naps wrote:No need.

Why? We could blame muaddib or ZonedOut! They wouldn't mind!

Dalloway wrote:

naps wrote:No need.

Why? We could blame muaddib or ZonedOut! They wouldn't mind!

Courtier wrote:You wrote to me by PM once and you opened up a little as part of an apology for misunderstanding a post and I never responded to it. I'm sorry for that.

It's not an issue with you. Things like that I generally distance myself from unless there is a button to be pressed somewhere. Reflecting back, I realise it was kind of a jackass move to not respond at all.

I didn't see this before.

No worries. If someone sends me a PM with personal stuff apropos of nothing I usually panic and pretend it never happened, but I always try to respond out of courtesy, although I'm generally very bad and also forgetful regarding PM's, which is rarely a reflection of the person. But this was the first PM I ever sent you. For no reason. At six in the morning. And you're weird anyway. So as usual I was fully open to the idea that anything could happen.

Dalloway wrote:So, you feel disrespected but you don't want to disrespect her – nice going *mod edit*

I don't care for your tone, it's rude. Please note, the aggressive language has been removed by a moderator.

naps wrote:By all means, put these self centered, manipulative people's needs before your own. Let them toy with you as they wish. Let them draw you further away from the peace of mind and understanding of yourself that you strive for. Give up. Submit.

I think this is quite rude.

I may well have more experience in the work some of the people in this thread still wish to attempt. I'm a veteran of narcissistic-family analyses, various therapies and long-term no-contact periods of estrangement. Those strategies can be useful to some people to differing extents but aren't a cure-all for everyone, not to me so that's not what my thread is about.

For those interested in the topic of the thread, zeno perhaps..
The reunion went well. It was the first time we'd spend time alone together. Some people in my family are indeed toxic but not all. As a result I'm suspicious of all people and all family members, assume they'll be exploitative or toxic towards me. That suspicion is sometimes accurate but not always; it doesn't always serve me well and can even fuel paranoia or delusions at times which is unhelpful. If I always assumed my suspicions will be proved correct I'd be alienated from any human interactions or relationships which is not my goal. When it is warranted, I test the waters and sometimes I am happily proved wrong. In this instance of a reunion w a family member, I discovered I'd been poisoned against her for some time by other members of my immediate & extended family, so my perception & fears about her had become skewed to my disadvantage. I'm glad I went, it was actually quite enjoyable and we may catch up again. I feel I can make my mind up about our relationship now based on my own experiences without the skew of 2nd and 3rd hand bias from other relatives.

On another topic..

To those on the thread who've wandered to topics quite different to the thread's for some time, rather than a brief deviation, I appreciate that you need to talk & are looking for support & encourage you to. Would you kindly start a new thread.

I'm sad one out of 400 words was able to tip the scale, and pleased the mods could help you.
Let me try to rephrase it then. Your first post appears to me like written from someone without any self-respect, the absolute opposite of a 'veteran of narcissistic-family analyses', maybe an insecure scapegoat?

In my experience it is very effective to challenge the self-demotion. When confronted, people with such tendencies either question themselves – like 'have I misrepresented the situation somehow' – or take it for self-empowerment. Unless playing the victim is a tactic.

I think everyone that took time to read your topic and answer it, was interested in it. I'm afraid nobody in this forum is entitled to just the answers they'd like to hear, even me I can tell you. If not naps or me, I think MotherRussia and Eight had some lines worth responding to. You know, when you just respond to the things you think are bad, it looks like you take all the other support for granted.

Also moderating your own topic has proven to be a good way to keep it on track. But, when it comes to me and your posts, there certainly won't be any more deviations.
I hope your encounter with your family stays pleasant.

Skitterish wrote:

naps wrote:By all means, put these self centered, manipulative people's needs before your own. Let them toy with you as they wish. Let them draw you further away from the peace of mind and understanding of yourself that you strive for. Give up. Submit.

I think this is quite rude.

I'm sorry, I was shooting for sarcasm.

What I saw in your original post was a minefield of warning signs, but I guess I failed to realize that every family doesn't function the way mine did. Obviously I haven't come to terms with my own family issues so my advice was more of a knee-jerk reaction than a proper objective analysis.

To those on the thread who've wandered to topics quite different to the thread's for some time, rather than a brief deviation, I appreciate that you need to talk & are looking for support & encourage you to. Would you kindly start a new thread.

Sometimes threads will wander to the detriment of the original topic, but within these deviations other subjects can arise that can either augment the OP's point, or stray briefly into other arenas that may have been previously discussed. Sometimes this can benefit other posters as well. By briefly hijacking your thread, with the help of Eight and Dalloway I was able to cautiously prod at an issue I have been neglectful of and learn a little about it, as well as clear up a misunderstanding with Courtier. I'm thankful your thread gave me the platform to do that, despite it clearly not being your intention.

All you need to do is bump the thread back on topic, which is what you've done. I'm glad things went well for you. But I still advise you to keep your guard up.

Dalloway wrote:I'm sad one out of 400 words was able to tip the scale, and pleased the mods could help you.
Let me try to rephrase it then. Your first post appears to me like written from someone without any self-respect, the absolute opposite of a 'veteran of narcissistic-family analyses', maybe an insecure scapegoat?

In my experience it is very effective to challenge the self-demotion. When confronted, people with such tendencies either question themselves – like 'have I misrepresented the situation somehow' – or take it for self-empowerment. Unless playing the victim is a tactic.

I think everyone that took time to read your topic and answer it, was interested in it. I'm afraid nobody in this forum is entitled to just the answers they'd like to hear, even me I can tell you. If not naps or me, I think MotherRussia and Eight had some lines worth responding to. You know, when you just respond to the things you think are bad, it looks like you take all the other support for granted.

Also moderating your own topic has proven to be a good way to keep it on track. But, when it comes to me and your posts, there certainly won't be any more deviations.
I hope your encounter with your family stays pleasant.

Thank you Dalloway.

I suppose if I want some acknowledgment I need to be rude and sarcastic. Noted.