Lack of initiative

I'm not diagnosed SPD, but have a lot of traits and thought I'd offer my experience.

I seem to have initiative for one thing at a time. Unfortunately, this focus can shift at a moment's notice and without warning, so I often drop whatever it is that I've been working on. I can't tell you how many obsessions I've had that have suddenly vanished. Sometimes they reappear, sometimes not.

I've been kicked out of or dropped out of school a zillion times. I finally discovered a career I wanted to pursue, and that became my focus. I actually made a longterm plan and stuck to it - got a shady job to put myself through school, got into my program, aced it, got a job right out of internship. Got licensed and moved up in my company. For the first time in my life, I had set a goal and maintained the inertia to achieve it.

But then, the boredom. Once I got to a position of leadership and essentially became the best I could be at my job, I got bored and frustrated. I could do it in my sleep now. And that made me miserable. So I had to set myself a different longterm goal, this one much (much!) more difficult. And that's what I'm doing now - working only part time so I can be back in school for the next zillion years. I could be working and making great money full-time but the lack of mental stimulation just kills me.

If I'm actively pursuing a goal, I can do all kinds of things I usually wouldn't - in trying to move up at work, I actually made a strong effort to "connect" with people and interact. I put it in quotes because it wasn't real connection - but I worked hard to perfect my act. It was successful, and I was promoted. But once I reached that position and could go no further, I stopped acting. I just can't. I surrendered that position once I started back at school, and I'm relieved that I no longer have to pretend to care about interaction - I just go in, do my job (usually with headphones on) and leave. I imagine people think something has gone wrong with me, but it doesn't bother me.

Interestingly, I seem to have more "initiative" for major goals in the long term. In my everyday life, it is sometimes impossible to get anything done because i just. don't. care. Especially if there's a social aspect. Going to the store is a serious feat.

If only I could figure out what the drive is for my longterm goals and apply that to the short term as well. I guess going to buy groceries just doesn't seem like it matters compared to working my dream job. I just wait until I am basically forced to do the mundane things - no food in the house, everything a mess, no clean clothes. Then it's like, ok ###$ it, I have to get this stuff done. I do it in a rush and feel horribly drained afterward.

As for extracurricular "fun" things or interests/hobbies.. I get ideas and feel motivated, but often don't stick to them. Lack of structure makes it difficult for me to stay focused - I think that's why I do well in school despite having to endure being around groups of people.

My problem is not the lack of initiative itself, but boredom. I can start several amazing projects, but don't finish them because of boredom.

Sometimes I find almost everything uninteresting, and this is something that people around me comment on. I just can not see the catchy side of things. This is a problem? I don't know.

Good for you vortexvoid. At least you can look back and say that you managed to build yourself a career.

I remember how motivated I used to be when I was in uni. I was excited about a lot of things. Now at work, everything feels really boring. I'm also on antipsychotics and it's really increasing the anhedonia and apathy to whole other degree.

I can't motivate myself for anything other than food and watching tv. Although I occasionally go to the gym.

Anybody on medication? Do you feel it affects your energy levels and motivation?

I think I might have a lack of initiative.

It's usually very specific to endeavors where I might need the support of other people. I am very hesitant to initiate in those types of endeavors because I have insecurity about relying on others for anything.

I procrastinate other things as well. A lot of that is just energy levels and recovering from the energy drain of interacting with other people. I need more relaxation time away from other people. I am good about fulfilling my commitments to other people. I am good about accepting projects from other people. I wish I was as good at accepting projects from myself.

I definitely experience a lack of momentum to do something. A lot of it comes forth of poor concentration, but often small things that pretty much need to be done but don't necessary require a lot of focus remain undone for too long as well.

Take this forum, for example. Once in a while, I pay a visit and plan to get through some new yet unread posts. Some topics don't really interest me, so I'll skip. Others really catch my attention, but then, when I want to start reading, either the starting posts, or some of the replies or the discussion is too long for my taste at that moment. Then I just can't bring up the mental effort to read through, let stand to post a reply, no matter how interesting I expect the topic to be or how bad I want to read it, to reply or to add to the discussion. Only once in a while, like now, I somehow manage to actually read through some posts, and even post some replies, or to start some new threads myself, about stuff that had crossed my mind recently or keeps me busy for some reason. I've been more active here in the past, but nowadays, I really have to feel like it. The moment has to be right, but I can't really define what adds up to the right moment. For me, this is the case for many other activities as well.