Back after a long time - schizoid husband

Hi, it's a long time since I came on here; I guess it's because things have been on an even keel for quite some time. Now it seems to have gone wrong again! My schizoid husband went behind his 'wall' on Saturday night because I was too unwell for a night out and didn't want him to go without me. Big mistake - I should have just said to go and have a nice time! A few hours earlier he was saying how much he loved me and now it's turned to anger and hate and he wants to end the marriage. I feel devastated as I don't want to lose him. He's done the exact same thing more than once before but this time seems to mean it.
On the whole we have a good marriage although I have had to learn how best to be to not crowd him or make him unhappy. Seems that however much I learn I still manage to upset him by doing and saying completely normal things.
Would I recommend marrying someone with schizoid personality? In all honesty, if you love them and are patient and don't expect 100% normality I'd say go for it. As unhappy as I feel tonight, scared that he may leave, I wouldn't miss out on our marriage for anything.

Has your husband definitely been diagnosed as SPD? Because he sounds more controlling and emotionally assertive than I would expect, and people with SPD would usually welcome an excuse not to go out.
Nevertheless, I've been married twice and both my wives found life with me difficult at times because of my tendency to go behind the wall. My second wife is definitely happier without me - she has a new partner who's an all-round good guy (and better looking than me), and a good step-father to my kids.
Al I can say is that marriage is fifty-fifty and it shouldn't be entirely up to you to accommodate him. If he wants a partnership with you then he has to work on himself and his attitudes. You sound like you're prepared to help him if he wants to help himself.

Sometimes people interpret my "wall" as my attempt at punishing them. But the anger and hate you mention sounds more like he's being controlling and passive aggressive towards you. Not trying to be mean here, and you'd know him better than I. But he sounds too capricious to be SPD.

Myself, I'd marry a schizoid because I understand them. But I'm not sure how my ex-gf put up with me for as long as she did though. I like to spend my free time being alone, plus my stilted way of speaking sounded arrogant to her. I tried to fit her expectations by hanging out with her more, but my eyes would be on the clock for almost the whole time. It wasn't that I didn't like her, or that I was angry - I just needed to get away to relax. But if I met someone with SPD whom I liked, I would probably go for it more readily than non-SPD.

Thankyou for your responses.

My husband is diagnosed SPD as of 7 years ago and has had a lot of counselling and CBT with little effect.

I totally agree about the controlling/passive aggressive comment but the point is, he is only like this when he's 'behind the wall'; he is otherwise quite easy going and not moody at all. He does live a lot in his own head so can be quiet but he has no aggression generally. he says that it's like a switch flicking in his head when he goes like this but the recovery is slow and gradual.

I do feel he's punishing me when the wall comes up I have to admit, because all his anger and vitriol is aimed at me. I guess I'm wrong because he says it's generally himself he's angry with.

Jenny.

for me anger is something that comes up realy fast and pretty often. basically when ever iam in direct contact with an other human there is a good chance that i get annoyed.

i dont feel a lot, on a regular basis there are only 2 emotions i feel and anger is one.


but i found out that anger is very easy to suppress. first thing is anger requires momentum. ifthat momentum is disrupted, the anger disapears.

there are different techniques, the best known is probably to stop any ongoing engagement of any type and count to 10 or 20, focusing on the numbers. that doesnt remove the reason for the anger but it takes away momentum and recovers your ability to think clearly.

what i do is stoping every engagement and than focusing on the facts, removing everything that could be influenced by emotions. take the current situation and place yourself in the other person and try to figure out what you would have done in this situation. in many cases that completly removes the reason for the anger as soon as you understand the reasons for the situation.
that takes only a few seconds.

if that is not the case, remove everything that happend until this very moment and focus on the current situation and try to figure out what options are available for you and try to simulate all possible consequences. choose the option that seem to be most favorable in the long term.
that may take a few minutes or sometimes much longer, but emotional / knee-jerk reactions are never a good option.