Accepting That You Are Not Relationship Material

One of the challenges for most of us (who have Schizoid Personality Disorder) is to accept that we are not relationship material. After all, the external environment bombards us with the idea of having a significant other.

I realize that there are a minority of us (the most mild cases of SPD) who are relationship material to a minority of the overall populace. However, this is the exception to the norm.

For the overwhelming majority of us, it is important to accept the fact that we aren't relationship material. Otherwise, we will fall victim to "schizoid exhibitionism" (being someone we aren't). And it is this that will cause harm to the unsuspecting person we are "dating".

Sure, it's easy to want to be normal and do what everyone else is doing (in theory). However, when we attempt to be normal, the practical effects are harmful to others. For you are wasting their time and having more negative than positive results on them (if we are truly being honest here).

So...my suggestion (to the overwhelming majority of us with Schizoid Personality Disorder) is to accept the fact that you aren't relationship material and don't second-guess it. Don't be tempted by the non-Schizoid World. It isn't worth trying to play a game that you really don't want to play in the first place.

It took me a long while to realize this, or at least to come to the terms of the truth of it.

My first major relationship ended when I was accused of being unromantic. My thoughts: "Oh yeah, romance is supposed to be a part of this." Then, "Uhh...what the hell is romance?"

I figured, from then on, maybe I could fake it. Whatever it was.

It's true that society makes you feel incomplete if you're not part of a couple. It didn't help me that, early on, my motivations were more physical and social than emotional. By social I mean I would become interested in someone if I thought we'd look good together, or if I just wanted to be seen with them. Pretty shallow, but there you have it.

Each relationship felt emptier than the last. I would wait for that spark to ignite in me, but it never happened.

Then there was a period when I would half-heartedly pursue dates, until it got to the point where every time I made plans, I would soon start thinking, "Here I go again. Should I even be doing this?"

The funny thing is, I still retain a tiny spark of that desire to have someone. It's almost an involuntary thing. But I can easily talk myself out of it in about two seconds.

I have never been in love. I suppose that would sound sad to many people, but it doesn't bother me at all. To be honest, I find the phrase "I have no close friends" to be more distressing.

As far as other people go, I just don't 'get' love. Other people have fallen in love with me and I can't understand how this can happen, since in every case, I have never given any indication that I was interested in an emotional bond. Maybe I gave off vibes unknowingly, but still, I can't understand how someone can put their heart out on a limb so easily and recklessly.

I've hurt people badly because of this, but I don't feel remorseful and I don't blame myself. Not because I want to be cold or cruel, but because every time someone told me they loved me, I'd think "But I didn't do anything!" Being the subject of unrequited love is like having a bee buzzing around you that you can't get rid of and you're afraid if you're too blunt or aggressive in swatting it away, you will get stung.

I Dream 5 wrote:So...my suggestion (to the overwhelming majority of us with Schizoid Personality Disorder) is to accept the fact that you aren't relationship material and don't second-guess it. Don't be tempted by the non-Schizoid World. It isn't worth trying to play a game that you really don't want to play in the first place.

I think this is a lesson that is better off learned through some kind of experience or insight. I would guess it's much easier to accept if you've at least tried.

I think you are right. There is no way around it. The good thing is, we can get in contact with the oposit sex, online if we desire. But when it come to meeting up in real life, the deal is off, for me anyway.

Good point!

It's true and I wish I had known it before trying anything.
I'm not sure if I've ever been in love or just horny, mislead by popular myths and grand narratives and in love with my idea of love, which naturally led to a lot of disappointments.

After all, what is love? Baby don't hurt me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rgepWg4rzw

my therapist says that it is possible to reactivate the ability for emotions with a long term therapy.

they key is to experience an openminded relationship over a long time and experience how nothing bad happens and that it is actually a desirable thing. the subconscious blockade of emotions will loosen over time, allowing some feelings to happen. as long as nothing negative happens.
the relationship in that case is the therapist and it seems like we aretalking about years but witha very high chance of a partly success.

there is an interessting thread on reddit with a nice theory of how spd may work, that would fit very well with what i experience, what i read from others withthat problem and what my therapist says.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/comme ... servation/

I've been married twice, but on reflection I'd agree that I'm not relationship material.
I found affection easy, but not sex.
I enjoyed companionship, but kept my thoughts private.
It's probably no accident that both my wives came into the relationship with baggage, and found me a steady presence while they worked themselves out. Having done that there wasn't much to keep them - and being SPD, I wasn't that bothered.
I still love them both though, as they are both lovely people.

I Dream 5 wrote:One of the challenges for most of us (who have Schizoid Personality Disorder) is to accept that we are not relationship material. After all, the external environment bombards us with the idea of having a significant other.

Agreed. Unfortunately it took me until well into my 50s to realize that I was clueless as to whether a female was interested in me or not and so I made stupid choices and wasted a lot of time and effort along the way but at least I never got married. I was also clueless as to the one who were interested and still am. My goddaughter will say to me about some woman, "she's hitting on you" and I just don't see it. I can remember some 30 years ago, long before I knew I was schizoid, telling a married friend of mine that I thought the perfect marriage would be one where you each had your own place to live, your own space. How schizoid it that?

So it's not that an interpersonal relationship can't work out for a schizoid, but finding a significant other who can truly accept you for who you are without trying to change you is a long shot and a lot of work and you need to consider if it is worth the effort with such a high failure rate.

Reynolds wrote:Agreed. Unfortunately it took me until well into my 50s to realize that I was clueless as to whether a female was interested in me or not and so I made stupid choices and wasted a lot of time and effort along the way but at least I never got married. I was also clueless as to the one who were interested and still am. My goddaughter will say to me about some woman, "she's hitting on you" and I just don't see it.

I'm the same way. People have flirted with me in the past and I had no idea. I had to be told, which is probably a good thing, because I would guess that me trying to flirt back would come off as lewd or weird.

I usually only notice if someone is interested in me if they physically follow me or touch me in a way that leaves no doubt, which makes me feel very uneasy.
I also believe that if a member of the opposite sex interested in me, it means that they are not right in the head.