Accepting That You Are Not Relationship Material

I would say I accepted this pretty early in a lot of senses. I'm just not attracted to people. When I was younger a few people were attracted to me, but my defenses made that impossible. I just don't "get" it. Yeah, romance to me seems like an entirely fake concept. It's a collection of acts and actions that all seem like... displays to attract a mate. Peacock plumage.

There have been a couple times I wanted something, not in the traditional way, but I "tried". Dating websites, but even on the rare chance someone seemed interested the very act of them seeming interested turned me off. Hanging around with a girl more. In one particular case things got out of hand because it wasn't a relationship but it had a lot of the aspects of a relationship, but that person was self-harming and headed to a bad place and nothing I could do seemed to influence them towards anything better. Then the most recent deal where I started living with a woman who got more and more mad at me but would never say why or even admit she was getting more mad no matter how many times I asked and it eventually blew up. I was trying to compensate more and more for the emotional baggage and the lack of clarity by drinking heavily admittedly. Drink to sleep. Drink to not think. Drink to forget. Drink to be able to socialize. Honestly as soon as I moved out from there my life immediately got better, but I'm still quite a bit bitter that there were STILL no answers and I believe now I'm treated like I was going to assault her or something. I guess people are entitled to their narratives. This particular person having been rather socially clueless and poorly adapted to society didn't help things, I'm sure.

I don't like to be touched in general as a rule.

I Dream 5 wrote:
Sure, it's easy to want to be normal and do what everyone else is doing (in theory). However, when we attempt to be normal, the practical effects are harmful to others. For you are wasting their time and having more negative than positive results on them (if we are truly being honest here).

So...my suggestion (to the overwhelming majority of us with Schizoid Personality Disorder) is to accept the fact that you aren't relationship material and don't second-guess it. Don't be tempted by the non-Schizoid World. It isn't worth trying to play a game that you really don't want to play in the first place.

Do Schizoids want to be normal? If so, what is motivating that desire?

How often do Schizoids attempt to be normal, or are tempted by the non-Schizoid world?

I think of Schizoids as being sort of immune to outer influences and not desiring nor motivated by an attempt to fit in or be normal. Although, I could be wrong.

When I was a teenager I wrote a diatribe on how people should stop trying to fit in and just give in to their differentness. Tried to spread my wisdom but found out most people really were desiring fitting in and being one of the crowd. I was the freak.

Not to say I haven't attempted relationships. I have, although I never really deluded myself that I was relationship material. I've always had a sense I was missing some fundamental thing that others have. I think perhaps I was looking for someone to fill in that missing thing I had, but never had delusions that I could offer something to the relationship. It always puzzled me when someone claimed to like me, and I never believed it. That in itself precludes having a relationship. Anyone who claims to like me I assume is a liar.

MotherRussia wrote:
Do Schizoids want to be normal? If so, what is motivating that desire?

How often do Schizoids attempt to be normal, or are tempted by the non-Schizoid world?

I think of Schizoids as being sort of immune to outer influences and not desiring nor motivated by an attempt to fit in or be normal. Although, I could be wrong.

You know, in reading this and other schizoid forums over the years it amuses me to see some posters try and come across as the biggest, most bad-ass schizoid there ever was. They wear with pride their dislike of being around people and despise engaging with them, their coldness and aloofness along with their cherished adhedoia like a badge of honor. I think there is a spectrum of schizoids who can be different in degree of their schizoidism and how it manifests in their lives and affects their lives. We all share the basic lack of desire for regular contact with people and relationships, but lack does not mean there is no desire.

I am able to be "normal" and get along with people for a time because it makes my life easier and I am able to hide in plain sight, to "pass" as normal so to speak. I also believe that it is common among schizoids to be content with themselves as they are unless being schizoid is causing a severe dysfunction in their lives in which case I would think it is likely that there is more than just SPD going on. I'm sure there are schizoids who want to be normal in varying degrees and with varying success, so there are certainly some who would desire a relationship but they should realize it is a long shot based on their own personality and it would require just the right significant other to be successful.

Everyone will be different. No need for any pissing contest on who is the most mentally ill, I don't think.

MotherRussia wrote:Everyone will be different. No need for any pissing contest on who is the most mentally ill, I don't think.

A "pissing contest" are the exact words I would use to describe it, the "If you think you are schizoid well I am REALLY schizoid". It reminds me of my foray as a young man into the mysteries of the Christian church, Pentecostalism to be exact. There would be testimonials about how bad you were when you where "in the world" which inevitably degenerated into "if you think you were bad, well I was really worse". I don't think most schizoids are to flat out devoid of any feelings or finding pleasure in anything, otherwise a rational person would seek help and I don't think most schizoids do because we are largely satisfied with our lives as they are and get along well enough just like most everyone else in their own way.

MotherRussia wrote:Everyone will be different. No need for any pissing contest on who is the most mentally ill, I don't think.

I agree. Definitely no need for any contest like that. Mental illness is a serious deal. While there are differing levels of severity with a particular mental illness or mental disorder, overall, there is no way to measure who is most mentally ill.

-- Wed Dec 07, 2016 8:53 pm --

Reynolds wrote:

MotherRussia wrote:Everyone will be different. No need for any pissing contest on who is the most mentally ill, I don't think.

A "pissing contest" are the exact words I would use to describe it, the "If you think you are schizoid well I am REALLY schizoid". It reminds me of my foray as a young man into the mysteries of the Christian church, Pentecostalism to be exact. There would be testimonials about how bad you were when you where "in the world" which inevitably degenerated into "if you think you were bad, well I was really worse". I don't think most schizoids are to flat out devoid of any feelings or finding pleasure in anything, otherwise a rational person would seek help and I don't think most schizoids do because we are largely satisfied with our lives as they are and get along well enough just like most everyone else in their own way.

There is, definitely, no reason to try and make a battle over who is MORE Schizoid. No...there is no need to try because the number of traits present, along with their effects on everyday life, determine that by default.

So...there are clear indicators of the severity levels of Schizoid Personality Disorder, according to my theories. These are indicated by the number of traits present, along with their effects on one's everyday life.

I Dream 5 wrote:

MotherRussia wrote:Everyone will be different. No need for any pissing contest on who is the most mentally ill, I don't think.

I agree. Definitely no need for any contest like that. Mental illness is a serious deal. While there are differing levels of severity with a particular mental illness or mental disorder, overall, there is no way to measure who is most mentally ill.

Reynolds wrote:

MotherRussia wrote:Everyone will be different. No need for any pissing contest on who is the most mentally ill, I don't think.

A "pissing contest" are the exact words I would use to describe it, the "If you think you are schizoid well I am REALLY schizoid". It reminds me of my foray as a young man into the mysteries of the Christian church, Pentecostalism to be exact. There would be testimonials about how bad you were when you where "in the world" which inevitably degenerated into "if you think you were bad, well I was really worse". I don't think most schizoids are to flat out devoid of any feelings or finding pleasure in anything, otherwise a rational person would seek help and I don't think most schizoids do because we are largely satisfied with our lives as they are and get along well enough just like most everyone else in their own way.

I agree. Sometimes on some of these forums here it seems some people engage in that sort of contest.

I suppose there can be different motivations to it.

Some people might find it invalidating. Like, it might seem someone is saying someone else isn't having as hard a time as they are, or their struggles aren't as important, because someone else is having an even bigger struggle, being the poster child for this disorder, or something?

With PDs I don't think it can be measured that way. For one, most people have more than one disorder, and so aren't a poster child for one disorder in particular. And each additional disorder comes with its own struggles, on top of the struggles of the other disorders, so it can make a person's life very difficult.

I wonder if some people find a sort of identity in their disorder? I believe that is something I've noticed on the Cluster B forums. And that can become skewed and exaggerated at times, I think.

Just so no one gets the wrong idea, I do believe most Schizoids can be excellent at short-term relationships. Sex wouldn't be a troubling department for most Schizoids, in my opinion. The only variable here would be the desire. And this desire would, likely, be lacking after the Schizoid has tried it.

Anyway, just to clarify.

I Dream 5 wrote:Just so no one gets the wrong idea, I do believe most Schizoids can be excellent at short-term relationships. Sex wouldn't be a troubling department for most Schizoids, in my opinion.

I did say that some 30 or more years ago, long before I was ever diagnosed with SPD, that I suggested to a married friend that I thought the perfect marriage for me would be one where each of us had our own place to live, our own space. He thought I was crazy. But eventually in a relationship, especially when there is sex involved, the oxytocin kicks in for the nonschizoid partner and they want to glom on to the schizoid and that eventually suffocates the one with SPD and they are outa there.

Yes, I don't think sex is the problem for most schizoids, people are.

Reynolds wrote:

I Dream 5 wrote:Just so no one gets the wrong idea, I do believe most Schizoids can be excellent at short-term relationships. Sex wouldn't be a troubling department for most Schizoids, in my opinion.

I did say that some 30 or more years ago, long before I was ever diagnosed with SPD, that I suggested to a married friend that I thought the perfect marriage for me would be one where each of us had our own place to live, our own space. He thought I was crazy. But eventually in a relationship, especially when there is sex involved, the oxytocin kicks in for the nonschizoid partner and they want to glom on to the schizoid and that eventually suffocates the one with SPD and they are outa there.

Yes, I don't think sex is the problem for most schizoids, people are.

I agree. Having your own space to live, despite being married or what not, would be key to keeping a relationship going for the majority of Schizoids.

-- Wed Dec 07, 2016 9:22 pm --
Anyway, this song really does seem perfect (to me) for this thread. It does represent reality for most of us.
https://youtu.be/rqQ6px2h1GA