how others perceive you

Gareth Williams wrote:

Jérôme M wrote:But You must know that i'm not shy at all, i can talk to anybody without anyproblems, be polite, normal, whatever. Most of the time don't talk to people because i don't care, i don't see the point of talking to them.But when i do, i must be pretty normal.
Maybe it's seen as disdain or disrespect, maybe the tone in my voice is clearly bored, or annoyed, i don't know.

At college I'm practically mute unless someone prompts me to talk or asks a question. I can come off relatively normal if I want to, except for the fact that I don't have the natural enthusiasm for socialisation that the people in my classes do, so I don't show emotions etc. (doesn't mean I don't feel them, obviously - maybe to a lesser extent than others, but I doubt that).

It doesn't help that people always insist on talking about trivial things, particularly their outgoing experiences or such (not only am I uninterested in these conversations, but also have nothing to contribute to them). The longest and best conversations I can hold, if neccessary, will be those related to subjects of interest (video games or computers, movies and music, maybe philosophical stuff although that normally feels trivial and meandering as well when discussed with other people). Not that I feel it neccessary to have such conversations most of the time.

Damn this is exactly how I am just like this when I am in college. I feel most people generally can't hold a decent conversation anyway it's usually something along the lines of "how was your weekend?" why the hell do people honestly ask? I am convinced they say it just for the sake of talking and how pointless is that. Most people don't care about my weekend and I really don't care about theirs either. At break time in college I may talk briefly about upcoming movies or videogames or something, I sometimes might ask about a good movie I should watch but even that seems pointless.

I recall everyone having a lot of low expectations for myself growing up. To a point I almost enjoyed that. When you aren't expected to be good at something people tend to leave you alone when you succeed or fail at anything.

Throughout my public school days I hated gym class the most. I despised it. The lamest sport in my opinion is basketball, and it seems that's all we ever played. However, it was nice to be able to be the guy that the 'coach' never rotated onto the court. I enjoyed baseball and hockey to an extent. I had a really powerful swing/shot in both sports. I remember on a few rare occasions being down by a few runs or one goal in either sport and pulling off a few 'amazing' feats. I would manage to hit a homerun as the last batter of the inning with the bases loaded and typically, I would fantasising about an adoring fanbase popping champagne bottles at me as soon as I hit home plate . . . ha, but once I actually crossed homeplate the bell would ring and we'd all go to our next class. Nobody gave a $#%^ about my grandslam and the next day I was back to being one of the last guys picked for the teams.

So I guess my point with all that is, 99% of the time I do not mind others perceiving me as an under acheiver or lazy bastard, but on those few rare instances where I am sure I can pull off something great, this guy is never given the chance or is not remembered the next day. In Bukowski's book 'Ham On Rye' he had a similar situation with the neighborhood kids not letting them in on their games the few times he wanted to participate. I believe he said, "All a guy needed was a chance . . ." And sometimes I find that to be true,

I'm pretty ok with small talk: to the point i don't mind at all.
I've found a technique which is really fun and amusing for me about dealing with it.

Small talk is always about the same topics; weather, health, what you are doing, etc.. so i've build myself sort of a "small talk database".
Imaginethe situation:
The next door neighbour old lady is out , and you are out at the same time: small talk can't be avoided
now what happens:
I engage the conversation first, "hey hello" (engaging the conversation first makes you a nice guy in their eyes!)
if i'm seemingly not in a hurry and i can't get inside or leave or pretend i'm busy doing something, i continue on a topic found in the small talk database: if the weather has been hot or cold , if something happened like the football (huh soccer for american people here) world cup, whatever.And it works!!!
You can be kind of a nice guy AND not be bothered more than a few minutes of small talk. What's fun in this is you can emphasize the tone, exagerate the way you talk to old people, try that best redneck accent of yours to suit your neighbour's.
It's ACTING, but in real life. I'm really having fun with that. The smallest talk it is , the most exagerated way of speaking you can have and people WON'T EVEN NOTICE, they'll plainly agree with you, it's magical!

I'm being kind of a bad guy making fun of people , i thought. But they don't notice at all, so i guess that's how normal people work. I can mimic it, though i can't really understand what's in their head.

The point is, when you "look" normal , people tend to leave you alone more than when you look weird, then sooner or later they will piss you off in some unexpected ways.

So i use my best social cameleon disguise coupled with a small talk database and voilà!

Sardonic wrote:I recall everyone having a lot of low expectations for myself growing up. To a point I almost enjoyed that. When you aren't expected to be good at something people tend to leave you alone when you succeed or fail at anything.

I'm a complete underachiever with the intelligence to excel in college, but neither the patience nor the interest nor the energy (as a result I'm likely to fail completely). Being surrounded by other people is enough energy, even if they aren't doing anything to me, I'm often mentally agitated just from having to listen to them talk with each other. And I never revise, prepare or take much (if any) interest in the studies. Sometimes this is okay because we go through it in class and I do seem to remember a lot of the details (at least I hope that's the case) if I just pay a little bit of attention.

But being an underachiever, my parents are never happy. "We KNOW you have the potential Gareth, you just aren't using it" or "You never concentrate" - the latter being a common complaint from since my primary school days. With the diagnosis of Aspergers, they began to wonder why I wasn't excelling in the same manner - Asperger's are known for being very gifted in at least one area - I have no real talents to speak of (apparently English is one, but I don't think so). They would always show me articles in the paper about people with Aspergers who are ridiculously intelligent - they might be hoping I turn out that way.

Another complaint is "You always do the bare minimum". This morning I have to go into college and I have ten minutes or so to tweak my unfinished English assignment and make it look barely handinable, else my teacher will probably throw a paddy again. It doesn't go towards grades or anything, so there's no problem on my end - I'm just doing it to get teachers off my back. Bare minimum. Another complaint - "you just don't give a toss, do you Gareth!?". I don't, and when this attitude to my studies comes out, my dad gets very pissed and sulky (this is normally after parent's evening - yes, my parents are the doting kind).

This wednesday I get results for the exams we did in January. I like to think I tried in them (moreso than normal), but will probably still fail, such is my luck and attitude.

A lot of people I've known often found it important to try and categorise me according to their own view of the world. Most just don't think it's possible that I'm not interested in what they're into (like, relationships or being social) so I sometimes get 'advice' given to me. "I used to be shy too, you know..."

I've often been favoured by teachers and lecturers. It always strikes me as strange because I put in little effort, I have horrible attendance and I never say anything in class. The only reason I do well is because I'm intelligent (or I have a good memory anyway).

Well, I just have to say that the way everyone's descriptions are so similar to my experiences with other people are freaking me the ###$ out--just like it did when I first read about the symptoms for SPD.

Anyway, I've never really cared much about how people thought of me--even though I would make half-hearted attempts to try and empathize with them or socialize more, it always seemed like it was more out of a sense of inferiority or guilt than an actual desire to get close to them.

I don't talk to anyone beyond the reflexive hello, mostly because I don't really enjoy talking to them and I suck at it as a result. The stuff they talk about usually bores the hell out of me--I always wonder why they always go to parties so much when it's always the same every damn time (get drunk, dance, flirt, etc.). I'd much rather read manga or play video games in my room than hang out with people.

I do have a small group of friends, but it feels more like they hang out with me because they find me fascinating, or want to 'fix' me or something. It doesn't seem like we're actually friends because I can't confide in them and never actually want to. That's been the case with my family for years--I usually spent my time in high school on the computer instead of talking to them, or any of my classmates. My mother and older siblings have always been worried sick about me because I can't relate to people.

Beyond that, most people around my dorm (including my roomate) have gotten used to not talking to me. I can't really speak about what those people think of me, but I'm sure that most of them either think I'm just shy and quiet, weird, or stuck-up. Hell, maybe it's all three--I don't know.

Gareth Williams wrote;
"I'm a complete underachiever with the intelligence to excel in college, but neither the patience nor the interest nor the energy (as a result I'm likely to fail completely). Being surrounded by other people is enough energy, even if they aren't doing anything to me, I'm often mentally agitated just from having to listen to them talk with each other. And I never revise, prepare or take much (if any) interest in the studies. Sometimes this is okay because we go through it in class and I do seem to remember a lot of the details (at least I hope that's the case) if I just pay a little bit of attention."



I can really relate to this. My university days were something like that. I started out taking really academic classes, all kinds of subjects with "-ology" at the end, like anthropology, biology, psychology,... and it really drove me crazy. Especially when I realized how much all of those subjects had to do with people and I really didn't like people all that much... ( I once did quite badly in a geography course, because it was human geography and I was expecting physical geography, studying landforms, mountains and rivers and plains etc. Instead we were expected to memorize the names of all of these tribes and petite nations and how they related...). So then I switched to mostly art classes which was what I really wanted to do any way. But I must have been taking too many art history or theory classes. I was making paintings and etchings but that was still too abstract somehow until someone told me about the pottery shop that they had on the lower end of the campus. So I went down there and started taking classes and playing with "mud" as potters affectionately refer to their clay. And I really enjoyed it as the expectations were so low and clay such a plastic and forgiving medium that I was soon spinning... or as it is called in the trade, "throwing pots" with ease. After that I made the pottery shop my home, and as it was rather a busy place in the daytime started working there over night, sometimes spinning pots from dusk to dawn. When I learned to "fire" the pottery kilns, it sort of brought out the pyromaniac in me and soon had the job of "firing" all of the kilns in the shop. So I got through my college years by playing with mud and really hot fire. Being a schizoid "night owl", smoking pot and spinning pots. Attended what other classes I had, half asleep but always wrote pretty good papers for my classes, usually while firing my kilns, or half hiding in some dark coffeehouse. Anyway, I got pretty good at this ceramic stuff and ended up getting my BFA with a major in ceramics, probably could have gone on to get a Master's had I more ambition or more money.


Sorry for the long reminiscence, but I think what I'm trying to point out is that it might be possible to do quite well as an underachiever if you find the right thing to do. When I went to college, at first I thought I would do well at academic subjects because I've read a lot in those areas. But the classes were "boring", and I didn't like being around so many people. But certain more "real" things like paint and especially clay have a fascination that is more sensory and even visceral and intrinsic. I don't even think that it is a matter of talents, because if one gets that fascination for just one thing, and it is sometimes true that Autistic, or Asperger's or Schizoid people do have some kind of fascination with some particular subject or some narrow range of subjects. For me, I can go long periods with almost no interest in anything, bordering on chronic depression, and then happen upon some subject or activity which will then become almost an obsession for either a short or long while. I was somewhat manic - depressive in my younger days. (they didn't have Bi-polar at that time).

So I think it is possible to do well at many things without even half trying if you can get into the state where you can find something fascinating about the subject, or even if you can just get into a state of no resistance to the subject. The naturally detached state of the schizoid is neither that far from a state of Zen detachment nor that far from a state of hypnotic detachment, both of which states can actually enhance memory and learning. Still, some of those English classes can be damn boring. Of course, expectations play a big part in what one gets out of anything.

Gary

as being taciturn and (apparently) pensive

el-a wrote:as being taciturn and (apparently) pensive

That's right. Cool is always cool, You can wear sunglasses and black clothes all of the time, look melancholy and only occasionally speak and only cryptically when you do. People will be curious as hell. But they probably won't even want to socialize with you.

Gary

as being taciturn and (apparently) pensive