Emotional Frigidity

Sometimes I do fake it, but I don't really know how to help them. I give them advice, but I don't really feel comfortable doing it. Anyone who would freak out emotionally around me I'd want to be away from.

If I haven't been in their situation, which is most of the time, I just don't know what to do.

Czyne wrote:What I'm asking is if any of you fake caring about what someone feels or is saying just because you care for the person, and how often you do it if so. For example, someone will come to me when a friend or family member has done something to hurt them and while I try to act sympathetic I usually feel nothing and will just give advice based on what I see as logical. I have a hard time with feeling much for anyone emotionally despite caring about them as a person.

I try doing that with just about everyone I know personally, to be honest. I find that no matter how many times I try, I always feel like I come off as more insincere than I would've been if I'd just honestly told the person that I don't really care much about their situation.

dogtanian wrote:

Czyne wrote:
I also think the way people are online is a truer reflection of themselves than how they act in person

i would probably agree with that - i know that i am much more able to be "me" online than with people i know in real life because there aren't the constraints of sociablility and acceptability. for instance, if i get told allegedly sad news online, i can be honest and say "oh well" whereas, for instance, if my parents told me something like that, i'd be expected to say "the appropriate thing" if that makes sense?

I know exactly where you're coming from. That's why I prefer being on online forums much more than real life interaction--I can pick and choose what I want to talk about, and I can be much more honest about my feelings about a topic without feeling like I shouldn't, or something.

Czyne, I think I can relate to your situation somewhat. In high school I used to say things out of pure honesty without thinking about the consequences. Most of the time I didn't get into trouble because I simply didn't judge people, but still there were several "mistakes", after which I felt no concern over the people I hurt because I wouldn't even notice that I hurt them most of the time or just felt that they were overreacting. I suppose I differ from you because I wouldn't have any regrets even after a person kept on being mad at me. Luckily, I had rather forgiving friends.

Recently however, I've learnt to notice social cues that lead to hurting others. I generally prefer to have harmony instead of constant quarelling so I avoid such situations. However, because I still feel no remorse over such actions, I've began to use my crude honesty instrumentally. Generally I say such things on purpose either to express my cynical sense of humor (For instance: Female friend - You have a new female friend? Is she pretty?, Me: Prettier than you I guess.) or to show my objections towards other peoples' behaviour (For instance I have a friend who keeps on telling me about her great love towards another person, but she keeps on constantly having sex with other partners. In my opinion that's hypocritical [however there's a bit more to this situation than I'm writing down in my post]. I once had a talk which looked sorta like this: Friend: You know? <Somebody> at whom I spent the night gave me a wonderful compliment. Me: Yeah, probably how good you were last night in bed.).

Right, I probably may look like some heartless bastard now, but I simply prefer to be honest. It's a trait which I pay great attention to and I suppose it's something a lot more schizoids have than non-schizoids, because we project our own inabilty to be affected by criticism onto our expectations of others.

kretes wrote:Right, I probably may look like some heartless bastard now, but I simply prefer to be honest. It's a trait which I pay great attention to and I suppose it's something a lot more schizoids have than non-schizoids, because we project our own inabilty to be affected by criticism onto our expectations of others.

Heh, I think I am somewhat like that. If I say something insensitive to my sister I'd rather she just say something insensitive back rather than hit me like she does usually (she has some pretty seering emotions sometimes). Like recently my mom couldnt find an item of shopping she bought, I suggested she look in my sisters pram quickly since thats where she usually keeps the stuff she steals (her friend stole a bunch of stuff by putting it in her pram while in a shop once, didn't tell her until after she was out.. obviously she was pissed about it). Anyways, long story short, I had a hearty laugh and could see her suppressing her rage enough to act like she didn't care.

kretes wrote:Czyne, I think I can relate to your situation somewhat. In high school I used to say things out of pure honesty without thinking about the consequences. Most of the time I didn't get into trouble because I simply didn't judge people, but still there were several "mistakes", after which I felt no concern over the people I hurt because I wouldn't even notice that I hurt them most of the time or just felt that they were overreacting. I suppose I differ from you because I wouldn't have any regrets even after a person kept on being mad at me. Luckily, I had rather forgiving friends.

I relate to all of that actually.. I think my confusion when starting this board confused the entire issue. Being honest and other people being offended by it doesn't bother me, as I said earlier on in this topic. If they disagree they're free to tell me so and why if they'd like, and I have no problem apologizing if I've misunderstood, but I rarely if ever feel guilty about sharing an honest opinion. The main issue I had/have is that I will tear apart the only person who also has the ability to hurt me emotionally over things they have done to me in the past. I'm guessing it's an indirect attempt to push them out of my life by making them hate me as I'm never so needlessly malicious to anyone else. And I do it while fully aware that I'm hurting them for no reason, my intent is to hurt them in fact, while feeling absolutely nothing despite however apologetic they may be or however terrible they feel. I sometimes feel guilty in retrospect because I realize they didn't deserve that type of treatment regardless of what they've done a year or so in the past. At this point I'm guessing no one else here relates to that (which really is a good thing), as it's the only part that hasn't gotten a real response yet. Perhaps it's because others here don't have close relationships with anyone, or maybe it's just an entirely unrelated issue.

kretes wrote:Recently however, I've learnt to notice social cues that lead to hurting others. I generally prefer to have harmony instead of constant quarelling so I avoid such situations. However, because I still feel no remorse over such actions, I've began to use my crude honesty instrumentally. Generally I say such things on purpose either to express my cynical sense of humor (For instance: Female friend - You have a new female friend? Is she pretty?, Me: Prettier than you I guess.) or to show my objections towards other peoples' behaviour (For instance I have a friend who keeps on telling me about her great love towards another person, but she keeps on constantly having sex with other partners. In my opinion that's hypocritical [however there's a bit more to this situation than I'm writing down in my post]. I once had a talk which looked sorta like this: Friend: You know? <Somebody> at whom I spent the night gave me a wonderful compliment. Me: Yeah, probably how good you were last night in bed.).

Right, I probably may look like some heartless bastard now, but I simply prefer to be honest. It's a trait which I pay great attention to and I suppose it's something a lot more schizoids have than non-schizoids, because we project our own inabilty to be affected by criticism onto our expectations of others.

As they say the truth can hurt. People typically play those sort of comments off as sarcasm when I make them and laugh it off. If it makes them stop and think about what they're doing at any point, great. If it makes them think I'm a complete jerk and they no longer want to be around me, that's almost as good. It usually doesn't start a quarrel though, I think it catches people off guard and they're not always quite sure how to respond so usually look for an easy way out, whether it's a laugh or a playful hit and change of subject or sarcastic joke in return. After all, getting defensive when someone seems to be joking only makes them look like they really do have a problem.

Czyne wrote:I relate to all of that actually.. I think my confusion when starting this board confused the entire issue. Being honest and other people being offended by it doesn't bother me, as I said earlier on in this topic. If they disagree they're free to tell me so and why if they'd like, and I have no problem apologizing if I've misunderstood, but I rarely if ever feel guilty about sharing an honest opinion. The main issue I had/have is that I will tear apart the only person who also has the ability to hurt me emotionally over things they have done to me in the past. I'm guessing it's an indirect attempt to push them out of my life by making them hate me as I'm never so needlessly malicious to anyone else. And I do it while fully aware that I'm hurting them for no reason, my intent is to hurt them in fact, while feeling absolutely nothing despite however apologetic they may be or however terrible they feel. I sometimes feel guilty in retrospect because I realize they didn't deserve that type of treatment regardless of what they've done a year or so in the past. At this point I'm guessing no one else here relates to that (which really is a good thing), as it's the only part that hasn't gotten a real response yet. Perhaps it's because others here don't have close relationships with anyone, or maybe it's just an entirely unrelated issue.

I understand now what you mean and have to say that I'm different from you in that aspect. I've never been in a relationship, but I don't think that's related to why I don't act like that. The one time I did try to get together with a girl I actually acted much more careful (which in most cases is obvious) not to harm her. This is evident because the moment I figured out that a relationship between us wouldn't work I started treating her like the rest of my friends. As she was unused to such treatment, she would constantly be offended by my words for some time.

What you're experiencing isn't a schizoid trait I think. I'm not going to analize what's wrong, because I have too little knowledge in psychology, but perhaps it has something to do with your feelings of self-worth. Maybe you somehow fear rejection so you prefer to reject others first. Right, I was supposed not to analize. Sorry, got carried away a bit, but perhaps what I did say is related somewhat to your situation.

PS.I didn't read the middle of this thread so sorry if I'm repeating somebody else's observations.

kretes wrote:Maybe you somehow fear rejection so you prefer to reject others first. Right, I was supposed not to analize. Sorry, got carried away a bit, but perhaps what I did say is related somewhat to your situation.

PS.I didn't read the middle of this thread so sorry if I'm repeating somebody else's observations.

That first sentence is completely true, I've realized that for a couple years now. It's a trait I developed when very young, maybe it is why I'm so malicious when someone refuses to leave after they've gotten a little "too close for comfort". I'm not sure if it has to do with self-worth or not, but it is avoidance of abandonment and betrayal. It's only just now become a problem because before I never really wanted anyone to stay in the end. Sometimes I still don't, but only because I'm tired of putting effort in and want to go back to my detached, 'nothing matters in life so why do any more than necessary' solitude.

I don't believe that schizoid people lack emotions or empathy for other people. I do believe that their brains or personalities are simply wired in a way that doesn't allow them to become emotionally carried away. There have been many people in my life who I cared about and loved deeply. The problem comes with my inability to be emotionally flighty. I am and always have been an infuriatingly logical and straightforward person. As another person said earlier, I'm also a big believer in honesty and integrity. Coddling or lying to a person does them no good in the long run. I believe caring about somebody you're talking to makes honesty that much more important to your good intent.

I don't believe in being swept away by emotion and allowing emotions to rule you. I'm unable to relate to people who make decisions based on extreme, volatile emotions and don't rationalize their desired course of behavior in their own mind before acting. Therefore, I can be a bit harsh and judgmental towards people who do. I try not to be, but I see irrational actions and volatile emotions as a weakness that should be cured. I only say the things I do out of a sincere desire to help people I care about, though. I'm trying to be nicer nowadays because whether I'm schizoid or not, I don't want to cause people pain.

I'm capable of feeling great emotional pain or pleasure, I just express it differently. I don't think being schizoid is about lacking or suppressing emotions. I think that most of us are just annoyingly logical and are unwilling to tolerate the wishywashiness of your average person. I get so angry when someone does something they know is wrong and will hurt themselves or others, do it anyway, and then cry for forgiveness. I believe in self control. But everyone has weaknesses. They can't control their emotions and I can't express them. We're even I guess?

Czyne wrote:I know that sympathy/empathy seems lacking in most of those I've seen post here, but I'm wondering how many of you try to fake it often just because you /do/ care about the person on some level.
I do this most of the time.

I may sometimes, I may not at other times. I find it difficult to fake caring about something.

My problem is that despite caring for the person I sometimes will cause them distress purposefully and feel absolutely nothing while doing it.

I tend to do this with one of my only friends, Sayrah. It's funny, but I'll fake the whiney attitude so she'll talk to me again. It makes me feel almost antisocial.

It usually consists of tearing apart their line of reasoning or beliefs, or tearing them apart emotionally for past actions.

Exactly how it is for me. I'll usually ridicule one's belief in god or something.

What disturbs me is that sometimes I find it a bit amusing, though it's only disturbing after the fact.

Sometimes I'll feel really bad about something, and others I won't for a long time.

At the time I'm fully convinced they need or deserve it, and I'm usually very calm throughout the conversation, or debate I suppose.

True for me.

Is this a schizoid trait? For a while two years back I thought I was sociopathic because of it, but I don't fit the profile for one otherwise. If it is schizoid, it's the only aspect of it that bothers me in the slightest.

I still do think it's a bit antisocial, but it hardly bothers me . . .

Note: Only those close to me are torn apart emotionally, which consists of two people- I'll attempt to destroy anyone's reasoning or belief that sounds erroneous, and can be very tactless about it if I don't have to deal with them in life afterward.

Sounds like my relationship with my mother.

Ms. Anthropist wrote:I don't believe that schizoid people lack emotions or empathy for other people. I do believe that their brains or personalities are simply wired in a way that doesn't allow them to become emotionally carried away.

You may be right. And that's true, they supposedly don't lack emotions or empathy, they just have a harder time expressing it. Just from what I've read on this forum so far it seems most here are rather unemotional and less empathetic than most, but I could be mistaken.

Ms. Anthropist wrote:I'm capable of feeling great emotional pain or pleasure, I just express it differently. I don't think being schizoid is about lacking or suppressing emotions. I think that most of us are just annoyingly logical and are unwilling to tolerate the wishywashiness of your average person.

The only emotion, if it can be called one, that I ever feel intensely is anxiety. Emotional pain and pleasure has minimal effect on me and most of the time my mood is completely flat. If being schizoid has nothing to do with depleted emotion then I don't fully fit the profile in one more area. I don't express it because I rarely have it, when I do it's usually a very minor reaction but when necessary I'll force a one even with no emotion behind it. It's easy for me to guess what another person is thinking or feeling by their reactions and responses, and I usually have a good idea what they expect of me in the same sense. I do relate to being very logical and intolerant of 'wishywashiness' though, as well as highly valuing honesty and integrity and most of the rest of your post.