Emotional Frigidity

I know that sympathy/empathy seems lacking in most of those I've seen post here, but I'm wondering how many of you try to fake it often just because you /do/ care about the person on some level.
I do this most of the time.

My problem is that despite caring for the person I sometimes will cause them distress purposefully and feel absolutely nothing while doing it. It usually consists of tearing apart their line of reasoning or beliefs, or tearing them apart emotionally for past actions. What disturbs me is that sometimes I find it a bit amusing, though it's only disturbing after the fact. At the time I'm fully convinced they need or deserve it, and I'm usually very calm throughout the conversation, or debate I suppose.

Is this a schizoid trait? For a while two years back I thought I was sociopathic because of it, but I don't fit the profile for one otherwise. If it is schizoid, it's the only aspect of it that bothers me in the slightest.

Note: Only those close to me are torn apart emotionally, which consists of two people- I'll attempt to destroy anyone's reasoning or belief that sounds erroneous, and can be very tactless about it if I don't have to deal with them in life afterward.

I dont think I understand your question fully, but let me say this:
I wish that I was more open about my feelings towards my family. That I told them more often (actually, that I told them at all) how much they mean to me. And how devastated I would be if I lost them.

So yes. In some degree Í do "hold back" my true feelings. But it's nothing I do on purpose.

I can relate to that somewhat, but it's not really what I meant. Sorry my first post was unclear, sometimes things come out as rambling more than I realize.

What I'm asking is if any of you fake caring about what someone feels or is saying just because you care for the person, and how often you do it if so. For example, someone will come to me when a friend or family member has done something to hurt them and while I try to act sympathetic I usually feel nothing and will just give advice based on what I see as logical. I have a hard time with feeling much for anyone emotionally despite caring about them as a person.

The problem is that I do feel guilt (afterwards) when I intentionally cause distress to the few people I care for, but I can't seem to help it at the time. I'm not sure if it's an attempt to sabotage the relationship or what, and just lately have I fully realized how unhealthy it is. At this point I can basically either keep anyone from getting close to me and rid myself of those who are, or find a way past doing this by understanding the cause and overcoming it, which is what I'm attempting here through others opinions or experience.

I'm not schizoid as far as I know anyway, just some similiar personality qualities, if your wondering then why are you on this forum..well because lately I've been bored of my games I usually play and I haven't wanted to start the books I bought yet, so this gives me something to do and kinda interesting to see some similiarities people have. So the way I act probably isn't important and doesn't matter at all but...here is what I do...

I do for my mom, I might would for some other people, but she's the only one I talk to irl for the current moment. She complains a lot about her job so I will sometimes go and listen to her complain just because. You could probably record her one day and just replay it everyday and get essentially the exact same thing she talks about everyday. I've caught her saying sometimes there's no one to talk to, so I try to make it a point to occassionally. She's also said that I'm the reason she doesn't go out and socialize more, because I never do it... which is a change from what she used to say. She used to say I didn't interact with people, because she didn't and I was influenced by her..but that's not true it's just not something I care to do. My sister visited in july last year, she lives 2 states away and she wanted help to move and I wasn't doing anything so I decided to go help her...she didn't move for like 4 months so I ended up staying there for that time and my mom went out and actually started to kinda be a little social for lack of anything to do, so I think she would like to. I tell her if she wants to do stuff she should go find someone to do stuff with, she doesn't need me to go do stuff, although I do appreciate that she doesn't bring a lot of people over.

Caellic, at this point any input is important to me, be it positive, negative or neutral so thanks for replying.

My father was the same way you describe your mom being with the repetition only it was on different topics, and he was a complete shut-in as well although neither of us were influenced by the other to be that way. I lived alone with him for the last few years of his life but sometimes we would hardly say a word to each other all day, so I can't relate to him actually wanting or seeming to want a social life, he shut out any opportunities to have one that my mom or his coworkers gave him.
In any case I did the same with him. Just listened and gave him someone to confide in, since he knew I wouldn't be telling anyone else, though I didn't really have to fake caring with him. Neither of us talked about our emotions to eachother much at all, and if we thought something was bothering the other we'd give our input without getting mushy about it. There's only one person left that I'm close to in the sense of confidence now, and while I didn't tear my father apart emotionally I do it to this person. Now that I think of it, I've only done it to anyone who became romantically involved.

"Now that I think of it, I've only done it to anyone who became romantically involved."

This may be what they call a clue. It rather sounds as if you have some internal conflict about getting emotionally close to anyone. Being that you seem to have many schizoid characteristics, it is not really surprising. It seems as if part of you wants to have some sympathy or empathy and be able to be close to certain other people but then the more schizoid side takes over and ends up insulting the very people you want to please or help. This could be partly a schizoid thing in that schizoids, in being indifferent to praise or criticism themselves, are apt to criticize others without even realizing that it was a criticism, just thinking it was a logical or obvious remark.

It sounds as if your father was on the schizoid side as well and this kind of thing can run in families. It also sounds as if you got along okay with your father because you understood each other and there were no expectations or pressure on you to fake caring so you could be yourself. Many "schizoids" feel conflicted because of this issue; trying to be social and sympathetic when they couldn't care less. This could certainly lead to a cynical and critical attitude. I suggest that what is needed is not so much sympathy as a sense of compassion... for yourself as well.

There is a lot of emotional faking that goes on among almost all people. Some of it is necessary to "oil the social machinery" as in manners and politeness. But too much faking might lead a person to forget how they really feel about things leading to a shallow and inauthentic life. I don't think that this is your problem as you seem to be quite aware of what is going on. But you do seem to have some conflicts here though they seem like the type which can be resolved. Perhaps some minor counseling would be helpful?

Gary

Well I don't know about my mom, we aren't very similiar. I think she might just be shy or I have no idea. She goes with people sometimes mostly guys, but then she gets to where she doesn't want to go anywhere with them and ends up lying to them saying how she's busy or something and come up with excuses. I think she's just not interested in anyone enough to do stuff ..I don't know, but I'm sure she's not like me, because my sister once told me that my mom thinks I'm depressed because I don't go out and make friends or something like that and that I only pretend to be content. I'm closest with my sister although I don't actually talk to her hardly at all. The few friends I ever did have and talk to, it was usually them complaining and me listening and telling them what I thought so that's pretty normal. My sister I always thought was different 'cuz I'm closer with her, but when I was staying there for 4 months it ended up being her complaining to me like everyone else heh, so it wasn't actually that much different except that I talk to her more than other people when I do talk to her. Although out of everyone I think I'm actually closest to online people heh which may sound very odd, but I type a lot better than I talk. I always thought that if when you talked to someone all you had to do was write it down and hand it to them back and forth I could maybe do that heh...although I probably would still prefer online who knows. I can't think of what to say otherwise it's like okay...yep Maybe I just can't think on my feet very well...although I type what I think in my head and I can actually be pretty sarcastic to people I've known for awhile. I got sarcastic later in life though, wasn't always like that. How easy it is for me to talk also depends on if its a group or just one on one, groups I let them talk do there own thing, I don't really participate and I never find any points of them talking where I feel the need to jump in and talk about something, which is then kinda boring because its a lot of staring at the floor or your surroundings. One on one is a little better, because then no one else is there to talk so you have to so it's easier to talk then, I have a habit of letting people talk for me or like if it's a group, I let them talk so I don't have to. But since I have such a problem talking to people, people automatically assume I'm shy and embarrassed and I care what others are thinking or something, but I actually rarely get embarrassed, when I do talk I'm pretty honest and blunt about things that other people may not be...yet I still feel uncomfortable talking to people and being around them, I don't know why because logically I shouldn't, so I don't know what's up with that. And I don't see how I could be worried about what other people thought when I don't go out of my way for people to like me...like when I was a little kid in school and they had recess, I'd go swing all of recess, I didn't play with the other kids, but that was 'cuz I wasn't interested in doing that...I wanted to swing O.o I'm a little different in that I sometimes do get nervous about certain things, so like public speaking has never been my thing, but out of standing in front of a class doing public speaking or doing group discussions I always preferred public speaking. We had to take an oral communications class when I went to school and I thought I'd hate it completely and I'd be nervous everytime, but truthfully I was only nervous on the first one we had to do, but after that I wasn't. It's different because I'm just reading something I wrote and I'm not really talking to them or with them heh. I think it also has to do with routine, it was just something we did, we had to do one about every other day. I actually don't really like change and I like routine, which I never used to like that idea, because for some reason it doesn't sound good to me heh like it's not spontaneous it's kind of rigid. Also when I was still in school people used to always tell me to smile (Which I didn't get, cuz I didn't see why you need to look like "Miss America" always smiling when nothing was happening to smile about) but the few people who knew me thought I was always happy, because nothing bothered me. (Which isn't completely true, some things bother me, I just never cared to talk about it and didn't matter and the funny thing is sometimes I was actually really depressed, I'm not much anymore though) My main friend, I didn't hang out with him after school or anything but he was a school friend I'd talk to at lunch or in the morning and he always liked to tell me his problems and ask me what I thought and he'd always say things like you never have problems, your always happy, because nothing ever bothers you. "Your so apathetic". He always like to use different words, also liked to read the dictionary. He had a learning disability, but always wanted to push himself to know more. He used to have a problem with the teachers because they automatically mark off certain things on like tests because of that, but he wanted the chance to at least try. But yea heh typed a little long sorry about that, I get carried away typing. I'm opposite online from what I am irl heh as you can see I talk a whole lot online.

I agree with almost all of that Gary, but I'm not sure I'm entirely capable of compassion by definition. I just don't want to hurt the people who are close to me anymore and don't understand precisely why I do it. And yes I do criticize without realizing how it will affect the person sometimes, yet it doesn't bother me because I'm only being honest and I always tell them that it's only how I view things and to please let me know how they see it so we can reach a better understanding if they disagree.
What disturbs me is that I can destroy someone emotionally, have them broken down and feeling awful, a person I claim to /love/, and not care that I'm doing it. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing at the time, I just don't care or am somewhat amused by it. Even if they did do something wrong, is that justified? It is in my mind while it's happening, but afterward I realize it isn't right or healthy for a relationship. Now that I realize it I know that I can overcome it, it just takes some time to fully understand the reasons I do it and rationalize them until they're no longer an issue. And as you said, that 'clue' is a big part of it. Posting this topic has already paid off the way I hoped it would just due to that.
I've never had much faith in the competence of counselors or doctors. I spent 3 weeks in the mental health department of a hospital, was rediagnosed a few times then stuck with 6 months of therapy and all I learned was how to lie more efficiently in order to get them out of my life. I've come a long way since then with no medication (quit taking it right after being released) and few people to speak to. Introspection and analyzing others has always been a 'hobby' of mine, so I really just view this as a challenge.
Anyhow, cutting this post before it's just more rambling. Thank you for your input, it was very accurate, and I'm much less confused now than I was when posting the topic. The real maliciousness is directed at only one person- the only person who I feel close to in return.

Caellic, I communicate much easier online as well. It's been my only real social outlet for 8 years now, though I no longer chat and have only spoken to one person on here for months until recently coming upon this forum. I have no friends online or in real life other than my fiance, and now only one family member that I'm close to at all. People would always come to me with their problems as well, but I usually don't care enough to even listen to most of them so naturally they quit after realizing that. Usually when confronted with a one-on-one discussion in person I'll speak very little, so I've always preferred groups because there's less pressure for communication from me specifically, I get to watch others interacting, and it's less awkward for everyone involved.

People don't usually give up on telling me their problems, when they talk about them I go "Uh-Huh" a lot to show that I'm listening. Eventually people who've known me will catch on that I only say that and then repeat and go uh huh..uh huh... uh huh heh. When I meant group discussion and public speaking I was more thinking of in school, though I don't like groups in general anyway, but in one of my classes, it was a science fiction class which I actually liked we read a lot of cool books, but it was also required to join in on group discussions which I didn't like. Out of groups of people and one on one, it's easier for me to talk one on one, because I let others talk for me in a group so I never have to...although not talking is very easy for me, sometimes groups expect you to talk and jump in to the conversation, which I don't like.