Distinguishing between friendliness and romantic interest

go to www.intellectualwhores.com and look at 'the ladder theory'

it should let you understand women a little better.

TheSchizoidTrain wrote:go to www.intellectualwhores.com and look at 'the ladder theory'

it should let you understand women a little better.

Too Freudian, too much sex in it. Doesn't apply to me or to that girl.

you don't beleive in 'the ladder thory' at all? I think it's pretty genius, and it can apply to any relationship. Or maybe he's not taking into consideration people with mental deffects.

did you read the entire thing?

TheSchizoidTrain wrote:Or maybe he's not taking into consideration people with mental deffects.

I have a big mental defect, therefore it doesn't apply to me

did you read the entire thing?

Not really, just read the word f*ck a few times and called it a day. I don't wanna f*ck anyone.

This is a topic of great interest to me; so much so, i am posting what is probably my 3rd forum post in the 14 years or so that i have been using the internet.

First, a short intro. I found this site when looking around the net for info on SPD. After lurking for a bit, i am sure that i dont have full blown SPD, just a maladaptive set of behaviors which are similar to the SPD traits. However, i still like to read posts here as i feel like i "get" most of the people here. Also, there are several posters who seem to be in a phase of their lives that is not necessarily identical, but somewhat equivlant to what i am going through. It is nice to know that you are not alone in your issues.

Back to the topic. You will never know if a given person is interested in more (substitue more in this sentace for whatever it is that you want to do with this person) if you dont show the person that you are interested in that same more. This may sound obvious, but it took me until last night before that light bulb went off (I am 24 by the way). The bulb only went off after a night of actively flirting for the first time in my life. If during a conversation you want to find out more information, you ask questions. Same thing with people and what they think or feel about you. However, the conversation is carried out through body language and posture instead of words.

So the next time this kind of situation comes up, gradually introduce behaviors that are appriate to the realationship you want to have with the person. If they recriprocate, then you continue to introduce new behaviors into the situation until you reach your goal. If they dont, you still come out on top as you know exactly what you set out to learn.

P.S. - The laddery theory site is a funny read. Though i believe that it is intended to be comical rather than expository in nature.

Bojangles wrote:This may sound obvious, but it took me until last night before that light bulb went off (I am 24 by the way). The bulb only went off after a night of actively flirting for the first time in my life.

Like, what do you mean with "the light bulb went off"?

So the next time this kind of situation comes up, gradually introduce behaviors that are appriate to the realationship you want to have with the person. If they recriprocate, then you continue to introduce new behaviors into the situation until you reach your goal. If they dont, you still come out on top as you know exactly what you set out to learn.

Adapting and adopting different behaviours sounds too hard for me.

Like, what if there is no goal to be reached?

Bojangles wrote:Back to the topic. You will never know if a given person is interested in more (substitue more in this sentace for whatever it is that you want to do with this person) if you dont show the person that you are interested in that same more. This may sound obvious, but it took me until last night before that light bulb went off (I am 24 by the way). The bulb only went off after a night of actively flirting for the first time in my life. If during a conversation you want to find out more information, you ask questions. Same thing with people and what they think or feel about you. However, the conversation is carried out through body language and posture instead of words.

So the next time this kind of situation comes up, gradually introduce behaviors that are appriate to the realationship you want to have with the person. If they recriprocate, then you continue to introduce new behaviors into the situation until you reach your goal. If they dont, you still come out on top as you know exactly what you set out to learn.

You are right. My psychologist told me that given I didn't have the same natural responses, I would have to observe what other people do, extrapolate their unconscious desires and use them on my behalf. The first time I actively flirted I ended up sleeping with that woman for three years and a half (just lucky I guess -- my looks rate a seven at best). It always felt like applied game theory, which in the end means I never sat back and just relaxed.

The only good thing I've gotten from this relationship is being a good faker. I can make anyone believe they are my best friends even if I'm thinking they are hopelessly stupid and that the world would be a better place if they disappeared. That's in part why my ex's friends said "poor Joel" when she chose the other guy and told her she shouldn't leave me. I don't fake anymore, as I don't have any reason to befriend anyone.

Some guys at another forum told me to read Carnegie's How to Make Friends and Influence People, which made my work experience more bearable even if I was dying inside. Good book for those of us eligible for the Special Social Olympics.

Joel, posts like yours above are the reason i still come here. It made me giggle. Though, i have been using poker as an analog instead of game theory. I guess the two are basically the same though.

I dont know how to work the forum tools well, so this may look as though it was formated by a 8 year old.

Like, what do you mean with "the light bulb went off"?

The light bulb in this for me was knowing that this is a two person game. A stupid game with rules that force you take actions that the other person is genetically/enviormentally designed not to resist, but a game non the less. And like any game, knowing the rules is not enough, you need to play the game to *really* know how to play the game.

Like, what if there is no goal to be reached?

That is up for you to decide; in this case i would say that the goal would be to distinguish between friendly and romantic interest.

Adapting and adopting different behaviours sounds too hard for me.

I know what happens when you assume, but if you are going to quit, at least own up to the real reason as opposed to making up a an obviously flawed excuse.

Bojangles wrote:The light bulb in this for me was knowing that this is a two person game. A stupid game with rules that force you take actions that the other person is genetically/enviormentally designed not to resist, but a game non the less. And like any game, knowing the rules is not enough, you need to play the game to *really* know how to play the game.

I hate games. And I hate even more the analogy "love is a game you just can't win". It doesn't have to be that way. There must be more rational alternatives like for instance courtship.

That is up for you to decide; in this case i would say that the goal would be to distinguish between friendly and romantic interest.

Ok, fair enough.

I know what happens when you assume, but if you are going to quit, at least own up to the real reason as opposed to making up a an obviously flawed excuse.

Didn't quite get this one.