Learning to act

Despite being a SPD I must admit I was good at acting in school plays. I enjoyed making fun of the ways "normal people" behaved. I also developed a flair for languages and can learn very quickly on my own, never in groups.

In most recent days, I've learnt to act as if I were a "normal" person in order to get what I want, like a job or an interview for my research. Actually, I would say I can be pretty charming at times, but I feel so hypocritical inside of me. Once I get my objective, I go back to my old SPD ways real fast and stop greeting people I initially greeted, cut off relationships that are no longer useful, and isolate me to such an extent that I need to move on very soon.

Therefore, I thought about taking up drama classes in order to be more "professional" in my performances and to mimick certain behaviours which are completely alien to me but that could be really useful in the outside world, like playing the boss, playing the fool, burning in lust for someone, playing the bully, etc.

jradetzky wrote:Despite being a SPD I must admit I was good at acting in school plays. I enjoyed making fun of the ways "normal people" behaved.

In most recent days, I've learnt to act as if I were a "normal" person in order to get what I want, like a job or an interview for my research. Actually, I would say I can be pretty charming at times, but I feel so hypocritical inside of me. Once I get my objective, I go back to my old SPD ways real fast and stop greeting people I initially greeted, cut off relationships that are no longer useful, and isolate me to such an extent that I need to move on very soon

As for your thinking about drama classes; I wouldn't want to act my entire life, mimicking emotions of other people. I do occasionally though, but only to amuse myself. And quite rarely I must stress, since it's so exhausting and pointless to do so (this is among people, like you said - at home I do it more often, normally to myself). I completely agree with that second paragraph - couldn't have said it better.

you mean learning to be social. why arnt you smiling? you look sad? why are you so quite. are you depressed? Were at a party with blasting music and bright flashing lights.. your not happy. you sit in the back of the class and dont raise your hand. do you not care about your grade?

In my view the difference between acting and behaving is not that big. When you act people will find out sooner or later. Or perhaps not - I'm not sure.

For me it's the opposite. Even if I want to talk with people I can't pretend I'm interested.

I'm an anti-actor: I can't control my expressions at all. Perhaps I should take acting classes myself

I took drama once in highschool ... but perhaps in true SPD fashion I ended up with a role that was basically a long and convoluted monologue. This was because of my ability to memorise crasy amounts of text without needing dialogue "cues" to remember them.

Overall I did not like the experience. It was most boring and some of the exercises we did in class (improvisation and the like) were just plain awful and convinced me never to dable in that again.

This being said, the strange thing is that I've always enjoyed roleplaying games, even live ones. But then again, it is just playing a role, someone I am not and just pretending to be, not actually being and feeling and of course there are not real life consequences.

Now that I recently fell in love, although I had feelings for that girl, I felt really weird, as if I was acting out the whole experience or something. I mean, even when I cried, it was as if I were following a script that required me to cry, rather than 100% genuine tears. That's why I think I didn't really fall in love, I just imagined it I suppose. I always knew I could pretend falling in love for somebody, and perhaps, unconsciously, I was just trying myself out. I think I'll take some drama lessons.

jradetzky,
It sounds like you went through what most people go through when they're in middle school, age 12 or 13. It's so common to feel that way at that age. Maybe you're just growing emotionally a bit slower than the average guy.

No one can define what 'falling in love' feels like for another person but most of us know what it feels like for us and most of us know that it isn't real life. It's our fantasy of the other person that we fall in love with, we haven't yet had the time for reality to set in.

Janie wrote:It sounds like you went through what most people go through when they're in middle school, age 12 or 13. It's so common to feel that way at that age. Maybe you're just growing emotionally a bit slower than the average guy.

Yeah. It's the second time I've been told this on a forum. I guess it's true, because I thought it was really stupid for a 30 year-old "man" doing a PhD at a top university to be feeling like this for a young girl that looked close to my real mental age. In fact, I refuse to think of myself as a man, because I'm not. I've managed to fool most people into believing that I'm a mature and stable adult, but I can't fool myself. Deep inside I know I'm vulnerable like a 12 year-old. I like flurry animals and cartoons, and when I'm at home I love to be treated as a child. Like, the other day I fell ill while visited my married younger cousin and her husband, and I felt so good when they looked after me as if I were their son. I don't want to grow up. "Growing up is painful" told me the girl after I confessed it was the first time I fell in love with someone. When I see a gorgeous woman I feel as if she were an aunt or something l shouldn't approach. And if she approaches me then I run away. Like, the other day a good-looking classmate I helped out during her first days at the PhD was following me like a shadow to wherever I went and had that "I like you and want to be with you" look in her face that made me so uncomfortable. Then we ended up in adjoining rooms when attending a PhD conference and she was waiting for me when I got out to go down. That gave me the chills and I just escaped after dinner and wandered alone through the city till like 2pm in order to go back to my room. No surprise, the next morning she complained about why I had not taken her out to see the city centre. Also, the other day I we stayed in the computer lab till 1pm and she said she couldn't believe she was alone with me. Oh, oh, I thought and just offered her some chocolate. And she keeps on saying she'll miss me when I go away for fieldwork. Is that being friendly or, like, what does she want? That gives me the chills.

Why does it scare you so much? Why not spend time with her and see what happens? Spend time with her, without putting any pressure on her or on yourself? Spend time with her as you would a friend. Do you have male friends?

Have you been afraid of girls your whole life? Do you have any idea why that might be?

It is painful to grow up, but everyone has to go through it, unless they are truly SPD and enjoy the solitary life. You sound conflicted about what you want.

Janie wrote:Why does it scare you so much? Why not spend time with her and see what happens?

What scares me is that I think what she wants. She reminds me of a former female housemate over one year ago who was in that mood and she ended up sleeping with another housemate within three months. That sucks. Euro girls are cute, but they're not good girls. Like, what do you mean by "see what happens"? That sounds so ambiguous.

Janie wrote:Spend time with her, without putting any pressure on her or on yourself? Spend time with her as you would a friend. Do you have male friends?

I'm sceptical on this. Actually, I'm doing all in my powers to divert my attention towards a friend of mine who's interested in her. He comforted me when I cried like a wuss after my dreamgirl turned me down engaged and he deserves a reward.

Like, in my home country I have three male friends I see every year or so. My "best" friend lives in Spain and I see him every two years, although we chat on Skype every two weeks or so. He's weird too, but pretty cool, so much that the last time he visited me in England I cried a bit when he left because we had such a great time together. Actually, being with my dreamgirl felt a lot like being with this guy, I mean, like we could talk and talk about food and stuff. Here in England I have like 3 male friends: one of them I see every week for coffee (he's pretty shy too), the other one I see every month or so (he's not very shy but pretty relaxed), and the other one I see every three or four months (that's weirder than me, I think he's avoidant or something).

When I was in elementary school I had two good buddies but we went to different high schools and the friendship stopped. Then in junior high I had three friends and we were always together while in school but never outside school, but again they went one way and I went to a different senior high.

In senior high I had like three friends but we never met up outside school. Again, I went to a different college.

In college I made four friends, the three one in my home country and the one now in Spain.

I have never made any friends outside school-college-university.

Janie wrote:Have you been afraid of girls your whole life? Do you have any idea why that might be?

I like girls, and respect them a lot. But what I don't like is the idea that people think there's "something" (presumably dirty) between me and any girl. That sucks.

Janie wrote:It is painful to grow up, but everyone has to go through it, unless they are truly SPD and enjoy the solitary life. You sound conflicted about what you want.

Yeah. I'm conflicted because I was happy being an SPD until I met her and changed my whole perspective. I knew that good girls (ie, virgin, family-oriented, etc) existed, but mostly in far away towns and stuff, but never imagined they were doing PhDs at top universities like myself. Like, such girls are not for "fooling around" purposes (in fact, no women should be for such purposes), but for serious (ie, marriage) intentions.

I'm messed up, I know.