Just Discovered That I Have SPD. Happy About It.

Hello beautiful people.

For the past two years, since graduating from high school in '04, I started to change even then.

I could go through my looong story about how overall, I stopped hanging with my friends and everything, but I posted a blog on my myspace page (though I only left it up for like....8 hours) and yeah, I don't want to go through it all again.

But anywho, last Thursday, I took a personality test, which was to let you know if you had a personality disorder. I was just sure that I didn't have one.

Now, I before I recieved the results, saying that I was 90% Schizoid and Very High on another test.... I thought that I was just a very strong minded and independent person... who never got bored because I was happy with life. I thought that I just LOVED being alone because I knew I could alllllways enjoy my own company instead of being around people and.... the things they do, both mentally and physically. I thought that I was not a good friend because I could no longer relate or give advice to my friends who needed me the way I had been there for them in the past... The list goes on.

But after I took the test, and saw the results, it was the first time I had ever heard of Schizoid...so I lookeed it up on the net, and WOW! It has answered SOOOO many things and shinned light on things that I didn't understand.

I don't get why it is called a disorder, if anything, I think it's a step up in humanity. Why would I want to feel like I need someone to be happy? or to have fun? or to talk to?.... the list goes on.


But, along with discovering SPD, it has also destroyed the drive and effort that I was putting forth to be a "people person"...

And I don't want to fight who I am. I only get aggitated around others when I force myself to be around them...

But its hard at first because.... I have a friends, who loves me to death, but I haven't felt connected in a long time. And I feel I cannot relate to them or the things they are going through... like... I can't feel the pain or hurt they are (even though I used to could feel it and help them through)...

Its hard to tell people who think you really care, that you honestly can't conjure the emotion to feel their hurt.... or at least be able to relate to it...

There is so much going through my mind that I feel I want to explain on evey subject I am touching, but I think you all know exactly what I am trying to say. Right??? (I'd like an answer honestly)

Alllllllll this time, I have felt misunderstood, and I finally find out why, and find this forum, and I really want to know if everyone else have felt like this....

I could talk on this for so long. I'll stop here though I had planned on going into more, lol.

But yeah, I am not out to any of my "close" friends. I posted a blog on myspace telling them about the whole thing, but I took it off, cause.... I just couldn't leave it up like that...

But yeah, thats the only thing that is going to be difficult, but I know that once I get that out the way, I'll be free to ride on the wings of life.


What I thought was soooo funny, was how the past months, I have said over and over how I am not a people person....or telling people to just look at me as an observer... or tell them that I go into my own world when I stare off into my own world when I'm around people... lol

But anywho, I said I'd stop typing a while back, lol.

I'm just happy that there is a forum for us.

Hello

Well yes I have always felt different, not that it bother me at all. Why would someone want to be like "normal people"? People are boring, they talk about things that don't interest anyone and ask questions about you that don't interest them either.

With the friends and family, who sometimes love you and all, I know it's hard to tell them how you feel... I've always wanted to answer my friends when they say that they love me "It's not that I don't like you, but please could you leave me alone, and stop saying that, I don't feel the same okay?"... Even if I'm very nice and I wouldn't betray them.

I feel empathy (but maybe is it only because I have DID) but if they talk to me about something like... Their family, boyfriend/girlfriend and all... Can't relate at all... Can't understand their love, I just find it too "shallow" and useless...

[quote]But, along with discovering SPD, it has also destroyed the drive and effort that I was putting forth to be a "people person"...
[/quote]

I've felt the same... Still don't know why... When people learn that they have a disorder, some of them stop struggling against it (although some others panic totally hehe). Who would want to fight against SPD? I can't see what's wrong with it... Life would be better if more people were like that

Yeah, lol. I totally agree.

I don't see why anyone would want to be otherwise. Its ultimate happiness for me. Almost like a special gift....if you will. lol

And like I said, I'm happy this site is here o talk to others about it.

PhoenixJay, I had the exact same response you did, man! I thought, 'Well, that explains my entire life,' followed by, 'YAY!'

And I immediately stopped trying to be anyone other than myself, which I hadn't realised I was doing.

Welcome to the board!

So you guys are actually happy about it? I can definitely understand the feeling of superiority, and how it is nice to not care about all the stupid crap that everyone else does. But the counterpart to that is I exist in a world where I really feel like I don't belong, and life is so empty - just passing time and trying to get through as easy as possible.

Not trying to burst anyone's bubble or anything, but I'm just surprised to see SPD described in such a positive light.

AC

I guess that's the difference between being "different" and knowing just why you are.
SPD offers you a name to something you couldn't name before; you become able to pin it down and explain it to others without looking like a total nutjob (less like one anyway).

The world isn't that empty to all of us.
I, for instance, share the opinion on life as passing time until death, yet i don't feel like i don't belong. While i consider life essentially pointless, i don't see it as empty.

Discovering SPD could make one happy in the way of having found an interesting topic to read and learn about...or, as Alex and Jay mentioned, stop being worried about becoming something you don't want to be.

Acid Crystal wrote:So you guys are actually happy about it? I can definitely understand the feeling of superiority, and how it is nice to not care about all the stupid crap that everyone else does. But the counterpart to that is I exist in a world where I really feel like I don't belong, and life is so empty - just passing time and trying to get through as easy as possible.

Not trying to burst anyone's bubble or anything, but I'm just surprised to see SPD described in such a positive light.

AC

I don't really feel superior. For me, I was happy to know what it was because then I realised there wasn't something fixable wrong with me, that it just was the way I was. Now that I can stop trying to find meaning where there isn't any I'm much more comfortable with myself.

Really, people who seem to have meaning in their lives don't--it's just an illusion. I'd rather know the truth rather than be deluded. Most people would rather be happy than honest, though.

i'm not sure i'd say my life was empty. i feel pretty contented. but i've only felt this since i've stopped trying to conform by having friends or pretending to be social. since i've realised that i can do all the things i like doing by myself just as easily, i'm pretty content.

to be fair, there aren't masses of things i'm "into" - some are solitary, like reading or watching tv, others i make solitary, like going to soho for a good oriental meal, going to the cinema (or theatre, occasionally), and travelling.

i enjoy seeing the world more than anything, but i don't enjoy it when i'm stuck to others. i go alone because that way it's mroe satisfying. people think it's a bit weird (and "brave" for some reason) but i think it's the perfect pursuit.

so while i don't do much day to day (college, tv, reading, college), i look forward to my trips abroad (i'll be in vegas this new year - alone) and so long as i'm alone i'm happy enough. i have 3 friends who i talk to and that's cool, we're all quite aloof from eachother, but i know they'd be there should i suddenly decide i had to see them.

dogtanian wrote:i'm not sure i'd say my life was empty. i feel pretty contented. but i've only felt this since i've stopped trying to conform by having friends or pretending to be social. since i've realised that i can do all the things i like doing by myself just as easily, i'm pretty content.

That's how it was for me, as well. I became happier when I was allowed to stop trying to be social.

I also became more accepting of other people, as well. As long as I don't have to talk to them, I don't care what they think.

Acid Crystal wrote:So you guys are actually happy about it?

Yes, I am very happy about it. I tried to be normal for a very long time and was miserable in my effort. When I finally embraced who I really am, my burdens were lifted. My life is not empty, but very rich in thought and spirituality. I actually think that the multitude of "normal" people are the ones living empty lives, obsessed with superficiality, vanity, and meaningless communication.