you and your family

how do you get on with your family? i just ask because i've read a few posts on here where people have suggested that their family is somewhat the exception to the schizoid rule, that their family know them and tolerate them.

i find this really odd - i'm not saying you're wrong, i just can't understand it. for me, i think my parents are the ones i am more schizoid (is that a real phenomenon?) with than anyone else.

it seems i didn't bond with my parents as a baby and as a result i don't feel any connection with them whatsoever. as i've got older, i've found i like them on an intellectual level, i can talk to them about my course or whatever, but i can't connect with them emotionally. i've tried to tell them about this but it's not getting through.

i find it really hard to be around them, and they keep wanting to see me, for lunch or whatever, and i can't do it - i make excuses. if they ring me i'll talk on the phone with them, but physically being near them is a problem. another reason i'm not looking forward to xmas.

the idea of being in their house, with them just puts me on the defensive. i would rather stay in my house, and just drive over for the bits it's necessary for me to be there for.

so i guess my question is are you more "relaxed" around your family because they know and tolerate you or are you less "relaxed" around them because it's forced sociability?

so i guess my question is are you more "relaxed" around your family because they know and tolerate you or are you less "relaxed" around them because it's forced sociability?

eum… somewhere in between, i guess

If my parents would have just been people i had met somewhere, i dont think i would have connected in a way. I only care about them because i’ve learnt to appreciate them through the years. I don’t want to hurt them so i make an effort to make it work. When i talk to my mother, it’s hardly ever a spontaneous action. I always apply reason and it’s just something ‘i’d better do’. It sounds cruel but we just don’t care about the same things. Luckily my father’s different. I can have a decent conversation with my father... but i don’t think he really gets me either. I cant blame him cause how could he know me? I act ... not always, but sometimes.

i find it really hard to be around them, and they keep wanting to see me, for lunch or whatever, and i can't do it - i make excuses. if they ring me i'll talk on the phone with them, but physically being near them is a problem. another reason i'm not looking forward to xmas.

Their presence doesn’t really change anything. Reason makes me dislike all the ‘chatting’. I think i’d be happier if was dumber. I tend to over-analyse.

Hi

dogtanian wrote:how do you get on with your family? i just ask because i've read a few posts on here where people have suggested that their family is somewhat the exception to the schizoid rule, that their family know them and tolerate them.

I have a quite big family : 4 brothers, 2 sisters. Five of them don't live with me and my parents any more, and I don't know them well, but they're "normal" people. However, my father is like me in many ways. He likes solitude as much as I do, and doesn't have the "normal view" on life ("life's wonderful"...) or on suicide. My mother isn't talkative either. Same goes for my sister, who is one year older than me.
So I'm quite relaxed around them : we can all be in the same room, without anyone speaking or expecting me to speak. And nobody never forces me to go out with friends, "socialize" and all that stuff.
I'm quite lucky, I think

WtW

dogtanian wrote:how do you get on with your family?

If I never saw them again I don't think I'd be bothered.

When I was old enough to know I was 'supposed' to 'love' my parents I told my mother I didn't love her. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just being honest with her. It didn't go over well. Now that she knows I'm schizoid, her comment is, 'Well, if you could love anyone you'd love us.' Which is probably true. So she's happy with that.

It's not as if you choose your family--to me saying I'm supposed to love them is like saying I'm supposed to love people in my neighbourhood. It's all just chance, right?

I've never given a fig about my family--I don't dislike them, either, they're just there, but I don't understand havign to get together on holidays. It's never as lovely as it's supposed to be.

I do a little less than the absolute minimum when I have to be around my family members. Some of them think I'm stuck up or hate them. <shrug> I can't help what they think and if they think that they leave me alone, which works fine for me.

Alex Foster wrote:If I never saw them again I don't think I'd be bothered.

i think i probably wouldn't either. i quite like talking to them on the phone, because i can control it and talk about non-emotional things, my degree, what's on telly, history etc, but i never ask how they are, or how my brothers are or my family or their friends - because i don't really care so it doesn't even enter my head.

When I was old enough to know I was 'supposed' to 'love' my parents I told my mother I didn't love her.

i've never said anything like that. i've never used that word to anyone least of all my family. my mum told me that she always felt i never bonded with her, even though she felt she bonded with me. i think that's a fair comment. i can see the connections between my mum, dad and brothers - i can even see them projecting towards me, but i don't know how to intercept them or return them. nor do i want to.

I don't understand havign to get together on holidays. It's never as lovely as it's supposed to be.

me neither. i'm always being asked on hols with them, but everyone knows that i go on holiday alone, because that's how i like it. travel is one of the few things that seriously interests me, i really enjoy just about every part of it except the idea that you have to go with someone. i'm lucky enough to be able to travel a fair bit, and for ages i've never allowed anyone to go with me. just upped and gone.

dogtanian wrote:how do you get on with your family? i just ask because i've read a few posts on here where people have suggested that their family is somewhat the exception to the schizoid rule, that their family know them and tolerate them.

Actually, at least from what I've read about SPD, it is quite common for schizoids to live with their parents for a long time. In my case, it is because it allows me to be largely sheltered from the outside world. Some people give me crap about that - saying it is unhealthy and I won't be able to "grow" because I'm so sheltered (a psych I was seeing for a while said something like this on numerous occasions), but my response is always the same. I've never cared for growing. I'm certainly happier living like this than trying to fake some sort of "normal" life on my own. It's not like I wish I could be out there experiencing things the same way most people do, and my parents are not keeping me from doing that.

What it comes down to is that I usually get along with them quite well because they are tolerant and somewhat accepting of me. I think as parents go, they are certainly more tolerant and accepting than most. They care a lot about me, though I've never understood why and I can't say I care about them (selfish and cold, but it's the truth). The fact that they care has both good and bad aspects. The good thing is that they are willing to put up with some unusual behaviors of mine. The bad thing is that they want me to live the same kind of lifestyle as them, because that is their idea of what it means to live a happy/fulfilling life.

AC

i can understand the schizoid idea that it's better to live at home where there are 2 people who may not understand but who tolerate than to live out where you have to interact outside the house and stuff.

sadly my parents hassled me to death when i lived with them.

i'm with paradox on this one i often act around my parents and make reasons to talk to them because i'm supposed to.

they don't know i'm schizoid and i feel that knowledge would only hurt them so i do my best to act normal (they just think i'm a really quiet guy)

My mother is a compulsive talker. I had to get out of there. I think if both my parents were quiet and left me to my own devices I would have never left because then I wouldn't have to deal with the world.

You know those kids on bad TV shows whose stupidly rich parents are always jetting off to some island and leaving them alone in the house and they feel 'neglected'? I'd kill for that situation. My parents would come home after a month on the Riviera and I'd say, 'You left?'

Isn't one of the criteria for SPD something like: Has no emotional connection with others outside of perhaps a first degree relation ?

My reponse, when my therapist asked was, "Nope. I don't even care about them.

Alex Foster wrote:You know those kids on bad TV shows whose stupidly rich parents are always jetting off to some island and leaving them alone in the house and they feel 'neglected'? I'd kill for that situation. My parents would come home after a month on the Riviera and I'd say, 'You left?'

sounds great doesn't it?

Isn't one of the criteria for SPD something like: Has no emotional connection with others outside of perhaps a first degree relation ?

i've mentioned a lot my lack of connection with my parents, in fact i think i would say i have more connection (if you can call it that) with my 3 friends than with my family. pretty much because i opted to get into that situation with these friends, but i'd still not really say our friendships were normal. we never really see eachother, speak on the phone sometimes or email but that's it really.