.

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Heh, that's exactly how I feel. I also have a pretty avoidant personality because I've found that that's the easiest way to get people to leave me alone. I would certainly like to be more understood and accepted, but I don't really have any desires of belonging more in society. Belonging and being successful have such little meaning to me because neither lead to happiness or enjoyment - it always just leads to supression of my true thoughts and feelings. I do not doubt if I try hard enough, I might be able to "fake it" in society, but I see it as too much effort for a life where I essentially feel like a slave to judgement, responsibility, and everyone around me.

Pretty much everything else you said is spot on.

Edit: I know you kind of dislike personal questions (I'm the same way), but can I ask how old you are? Not that it matters...I'm just curious. I'm 24.

AC

that all sounds really familiar for me too. there are one or two bits that i have a slightly different angle on but for the most part i read that thinking that it fit me well.

i wouldn't say i was avoidant: my self esteem is relatively high - although i'm often paranoid that other people are plotting against me, i also feel somewhat above them. like i'm not getting involved in their petty trivialities. also, i am able to be proactive in social situations, if i feel that to do so would be less hassle than to wait to be approached. sometimes i find it's easier to initiate brief contact and get it over with than to wait for someone else to come and pressure me. but that's only after i'm in a situation that is potentially sociable - on the whole i'd avoid such situations, not because i'm shy but because it's too much bother.

i'm not diagnosed either, my Pdoc has got me into a PD support group because he suspects i may have one, and my Tdoc also suspects. my Tdoc thinks i may have borderline, but very little of the borderline personality fits me, i have a much neater fit with SPD.

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Shell,

I was smiling as I read your self-description because I relate to every bit of it. It is kind of a relief to know there are many others who feel so many of the same things I do. I do make the effort to hide my discomfort when talking to anyone outside of my inner sanctum. I would never want to make someone feel unwelcome or uncomfortable due to my preference for solitude, so I guess I could be described as a high functioning SPD. I have sort of an automatic pilot mode that I can go to when dealing with the general public, and it's not that I don't care about people--I do, in the larger sense of humanity. On an individual level I have great difficulty finding anyone I'd want to hang out with, or "share" with, or establish anything on-going with. I've been married for over 20 years and that's the only full-time relationship I'm comfortable around.

I've always felt an affinity for animals of all kinds. I really feel a natural bond with all animals and have had dogs and cats that I 've felt much closer to than even my family members.

It would be interesting to see if there are common threads that most of us share. I've often thought that I wished I could find a friend that was a lot like me, and in a weird way I look upon all of the posters on this board as, if not friends, at least people I have trusting connection with. I'm glad I happened on it.

Shell wrote:Revealing personal things on the internet is relatively easy, since we can hide behind anonymity.

Dogtanian: I suppose my subtype would be schizoid-avoidant and you might be schizoid-paranoid.

Also, it's possible for the clusters of personality disorders to cross over as well. You might even be schizoid-borderline, but that's a very rare diagnosis I think because many of the symptoms would contradict each other.

that's why i spend most of my life online!

i think i may be slightly paranoid and also a bit obsessive compulsive although whether as a disorder or a personality remains to be seen.

it's been suggested that i'm borderline but as you say it seems totally contradictory. there is one thing that's classic borderline which i do, but that's been established as a totally unconscious thing, as opposed to something i set out to do as a manipulative behaviour.

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Shell wrote:AC: I'm around 21. You seem to have very nihilistic views of the world. I see society and I find it fake and useless... all that useless chit-chat, all those people lying to each other. Yet a part of me wishes to belong, somewhere. If everybody were honest all the time, I don't believe anybody would have friends at all. But I believe that happiness is attainable, I'm just not sure in what form it will come.

Thanks for responding. Pointless would probably be my word of choice rather than useless, but I think you are expressing the same idea. I agree about the constant lying people do to each other. I have some people I know that I might call friends but I try to minimize the amount of time I spend with them, so I don't really consider it a good thing.

As far as happiness goes, it is a strange thing. I've often wondered if the idea of happiness even exists at all, or whether it is simply an illusion offered by society as a typical way of glorifying life. Certainly pleasure exists - I don't think anyone (even schizoids) would argue with that. I have my good days and bad days just like everyone else. But happiness is usually viewed as something much greater than that. I personally am skeptical.

AC

^^^ i'd agree with that post pretty much.

Shell wrote:dogtanian: I don't know, I don't really 'socialize' online. I find it pretty depressing to be online, actually. But it is the simplest way to connect with like-minded people and gather information. Maybe in a way it connects with how schizoids sometimes have very rich fantasy lives, even ones with fulfilling, close relationships...and that life becomes more important than real life.

I get depressed when I take a good look at real life.

if I had to be in a room full of chickens, versus a room full of people, I would choose the chickens.

i wouldn't say i socialise online, i visit several forums like this, mostly to get info or share ideas about various problems, but although i often get asked to take sides in petty arguments i always say i don't get involved in personal issues, and i don't. if people have arguments that's their business, i never really understand why they want my support, it's not like i know them or even like them most of the time. i think some people do have a life of fantasy in which people they talk to online are their best friends.

there's one person i talk to fairly regularly on MSN but we tend to discuss slightly abstract things like psychiatry, philosophy, politics, as opposed to our lives. but i think these people who i "meet" online can be dropped just as easily as they can be picked up (and sometimes they can be picked up far too easily - it bothers me when poeple start sending me messages or adding me to msn uninvited because i don't like to have conversations started.

i think i'd choose the chickens too, just as long as they didn't poo everywhere