grieving process

have you ever gone through a painful grieving process over something you had never actually lost or never even had in the first place?

i know this is a cryptic question, but i'm keeping it this way because i don't understand it myself, but i think you'll know what i'm talking about if you have been through it

Ye-es? That is. If the loss of something imagined counts as "never even had in the first place"? The loss of a hope or dream.

Ada wrote:Ye-es? That is. If the loss of something imagined counts as "never even had in the first place"? The loss of a hope or dream.

yes. that's exactly what i mean. completely immaterial things that you could never prove that you lost or that you had, but which feel like the most important thing to you

i guess it could apply to anything for someone else, but for me it has to do in particular with caring or not caring (and feeling appreciated or not) by someone. but what makes it so complicated for me is that it can be triggered by small incidents, or even just pure imagination sometimes, to the point that it's debilitating

and then, once it's been triggered, there doesn't seem to be a way to stop it, other than going through all the usual "five steps", even if i don't think there's anything to feel sad for (the feeling that i should be deeply sad remains all the same regardless of any reasoning)

Likewise, I didn't know I "had" it until I "lost" it. The grief took me completely by surprise. It was tangible, both in body and mind. An experience quite unlike anything else I've felt. And unlike sadness about deaths and other types of endings.

Also. Goodness knows where I was reading it. But somewhere recently I saw the reasonable point. That Kubler-Ross' process was developed for dying people. And that it was extended without change to people who were going on with life. It does then seem weird to expect it to apply still. Maybe "acceptance" isn't a valid or appropriate end point in that case.

Ada wrote:Also. Goodness knows where I was reading it. But somewhere recently I saw the reasonable point. That Kubler-Ross' process was developed for dying people. And that it was extended without change to people who were going on with life. It does then seem weird to expect it to apply still. Maybe "acceptance" isn't a valid or appropriate end point in that case.

that's the problem, really. there's no acceptable conclusion. the only conclusion that would make sense is for me to accept that there's nothing to accept. at least not at this point. but it's the very impossibility of a resolution that makes me suffer, and then i'm stuck in this negativistic way of thinking and experiencing even the smallest things, until the moment that could possibly be the right moment for "acceptance", but which in all likelihood is only going to be a reaffirmation of what seemed to be lost

so what happens is that it's the most distressing exactly when it has no point. there might be some painful fact to be accepted, but there probably isn't. either way, there's no way for me to know, and it doesn't make any real difference. so why can't i just let it go?..

it feels like my brain is broken. i watch it happen and i suffer the consequences, but i know it makes no sense. it's like i only have two options: enduring the whole routine, or choosing to let it go for good, in which case i'm not just accepting the loss, i'm actually causing it...

Ada wrote:Ye-es? That is. If the loss of something imagined counts as "never even had in the first place"? The loss of a hope or dream.

If this is what you mean, then yes. I believed in God once. Losing that was painful. It changed my entire view of love, ###$ me up.

Emotions are actually real things though.

Well, I think it's not wise to make any big decisions on any issues one way or another when you're under a lot of stress, unless it has become a question of life and death. Even then, always protect life. Always talk about it to someone and seek medical help if need be.
However, speculating on different decisions and endings can be therapeutic in a situation like that.
But of course there's always a limit to how much each individual can bear emotional pain... and too much heartache can be harmful in many ways.

the closest thing I feel to this is when I realize I don't have any investment in something I thought I cared about, if that is similar?

I don't think I've ever grieved anything.
I don't think I can feel that.

I don't think I'm capable of grieving in that way... when I lose something I desire, say a dream or aspiration, it's usually because I've given up on it, because I choose not to pursue it any further. And as it is my own decision I don't feel a thing.

If its taken away from me I'll feel anger instead of grief, and it will consume me until I get some sort of retribution.

When I was younger (and more naive) I thought my life was supposed to follow a specific plan... find a good job... meet someone I like... have a family of my own... then as time passed I realized I don't want any of it, it just isn't who I am. Maybe I never wanted them in the first place.