question: excuses?

this is, i suppose, aimed at those who have friends. i realise many SPs don't want any friends at all but it seems that some have some friends. i have about 3 very good friends, all of whom live far enough away for it to be very low maintenance (texts and emails are the norm, phone conversations rare, and actual meetings rarer) but i also have lots of acquaintances, people i was at school with and have drifted from etc etc. they don't really know me, and when these people get in touch, my heart sinks because i don't want to see them, i don't really care what they're up to, and i feel pressure to be someone who they expect to see rather than me.

anyway, i got invited to a birthday do tonight, kind of indirectly (through my parents) and i was pressured into saying i'd go. but i really don't want to. the idea of going out, going to a pub, mixing with people most of whom i've never met and those i have i don't care about, just makes me feel bored and annoyed. i feel annoyed that i will be expected to listen to their petty lives, that i will be expected to be friendly, something i'll have to force. (just to clarify, this absolutely isn't a shyness thing, i am able to talk with these people as and when it's expected of me, but if i can get out of it, i will.)

do you ever inadvertently find yourself going to something that really, you don't want to go to? do you make excuses to not go, and if so, what excuses do you make? i think i'm going to use food poisoning tonight, because it's quick and hard to prove in hindsight. i feel mean and scheming for doing it but i'd rather that than have to put up with people in a social situation. being in front of the telly feeling mildly bored but ok in my own company is far preferable.

these are the kinds of times i feel a bit mean for opting out of society so to speak, but i'd rather they were one person down than i had to deal with all of them.

Using food-poisoning as an excuse will only make them know that you are trying to con them, and this will make your situation worse.

Why not say that you just dont feel well/have a headache etc

"Food poisoning" is too bland. Try this: "I've got the runs." They won't even ask questions.

what is an excuse. think about it.

prot you've confused me. i know what an excuse is, what do you mean?

most what prot is writing confuses me.

anyway, do you need an excuse at all? why? did you use one?

i agree

erm, well, if i'd not been coerced into going to this thing, i wouldn't have needed an excuse, i would've just said no straight away, but i was coerced by others (ie they said i'd go) so i had to have a plausible reason not to go.

normally, if someone just asks me, i say no on the spot: just say i'm busy. but sometimes it's not that simple, sadly.

dogtanian wrote:this is, i suppose, aimed at those who have friends. i realise many SPs don't want any friends at all but it seems that some have some friends. i have about 3 very good friends, all of whom live far enough away for it to be very low maintenance (texts and emails are the norm, phone conversations rare, and actual meetings rarer) but i also have lots of acquaintances, people i was at school with and have drifted from etc etc. they don't really know me, and when these people get in touch, my heart sinks because i don't want to see them, i don't really care what they're up to, and i feel pressure to be someone who they expect to see rather than me.

Yes...it is amazing how I could have written this exact post. It makes sense though that it could be a common problem for people with SP. I suppose in my case, it is partially my fault for allowing myself to be "emotionally enslaved" - not having the strength to tell them to leave me alone. There is simply no way for me to express how I feel without offending them. So yes, I constantly make excuses to not have to be around them, and hope that eventually they will figure it out. It seems to work sometimes. But it is still unbelievable to me how much time I have to "act" around other people just to keep from being perceived as a complete asshole who everyone despises.

AC

:up: and i could pretty much have written that one....

i also have that dichotomy that when people ask me to go out or to be their friend or whatever, my inner voice is going "just tell them to piss off" but my outer voice is thinking "even though i really could be quite happy never seeing this person again, i'd better not offend them" so i come up with stupid excuses for things.

the best strategy, i've learnt, is to just not contact people. i have a few people i text message regularly, they are what i would consider good friends, although i rarely see or go out with them, we just exchange abstract thoughts by message (usually on the progress of a TV soap, or a reality tv show). apart from these people i have the numbers of loads of people i've met in my phone, i think most of them i've never contacted. but occasionally they get in touch asking me to do something with them. usually i can say no.

dogtanian wrote:the best strategy, i've learnt, is to just not contact people. i have a few people i text message regularly, they are what i would consider good friends, although i rarely see or go out with them, we just exchange abstract thoughts by message (usually on the progress of a TV soap, or a reality tv show). apart from these people i have the numbers of loads of people i've met in my phone, i think most of them i've never contacted. but occasionally they get in touch asking me to do something with them. usually i can say no.

I think I've got the not contacting people down pretty well. One thing people notice about me is that I never initiate conversation. If someone wants to talk to me or be social or whatever, they have to initiate it. I do this both with strangers and with "friends". In both cases, after a few tries, people usually take the hint or just simply grow tired of not getting much "feedback" (the excellent term I found for this is "emotional repreciocity", not sure if I spelled that right).

However, it doesn't always work. After intentionally not logging onto messenger or answering my cell phone for several weeks, a few "friends" called me up and asked if they could come over and hang out for a while. I couldn't refuse or think of an excuse, so I accepted. Aside from a bit of anxiety/agitation (I dislike surprises such as this), it basically just resulted in a waste of a night, since I lost a fair amount of quality time in solitude, and had to put everything I was going to do off until tomorrow. From other people's perspective, I don't do anything important or exciting, so they cannot imagine how I could enjoy time spent alone. It would never occur to them that they are actually depriving me of pleasure by spending time with me.

AC