Indifference to everything.

I feel indifferent to everything. Been like this for as long as I can remember. Nothing is good or bad, everything is just okay. I'm not sure if anyone else here feels that way.

I've been diagnosed with SPD, but I think many of my symptoms come from indifference to everything. Nothing engages an emotional response from me, except when something doesn't work the way it should then I get angry, but most the time I don't feel anything towards anything. I really don't feel much for other people except for the occasional person that I hate. I don't mind being around other people as long as I have something to do, it does not matter to me if someone is there to interact with or not. Sitting alone at home is usually more entertaining and requires less effort than going to see a friend. I've never felt lonely and feel no need to be around other people. Praise doesn't make me feel good and criticism doesn't make me feel bad, their both okay. I'm not asexual, but I have no preference one way or the other of having sex or not. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't, either one is fine. I don't really enjoy anything except for laughing I like to laugh a lot, which is my primary means of entertainment. There are things that I like to do, but I don't end up doing them unless it requires minimal effort. I think about stuff a lot, which keeps me entertained when I'm doing something boring, sometimes that includes thinking about fantasies or possibilities.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Most of things you said occur with me too. I don't care about anything anymore. When i lose in a game or something i may get frustrated or even angry, but it's rare and when happens i'm fully aware of what i'm doing and what would be the consequences of my behavior. It's almost like i just shout "###$ everything" and move on.

Yesterday was a example of this. I got really angry at my sister and her stupid religious beliefs. Even thought i didn't feel anything like anger inside me i punched the monitor 2 and my bed 7 times so strongly that i'm sure that the neighbors heard it. Then i calmly proceeded to sit on front of my computer (not feeling anything like anger but the hand that i used to punch was a bit numb) and resumed doing what i was doing before like nothing had happened. Since i joined this forum and came to understand why i'm the way i am, it seems that my emotions become extremely weak if any at all.

Liked what you said:

superposition wrote:If it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't, either one is fine.

That simplifies my reaction to most things.

Pretty normal for SPD. I have an active dislike for critisism and/or praise tho, depending on mood or situation. When not neutral, my emotions (towards specific people, things, events) are usually in the category of negative or positive, I can't define them more precisely than that.

superposition wrote:I feel indifferent to everything. Been like this for as long as I can remember. Nothing is good or bad, everything is just okay. I'm not sure if anyone else here feels that way.
...

I don't mind being around other people as long as I have something to do, it does not matter to me if someone is there to interact with or not. Sitting alone at home is usually more entertaining and requires less effort than going to see a friend. I've never felt lonely and feel no need to be around other people. Praise doesn't make me feel good and criticism doesn't make me feel bad, their both okay. I'm not asexual, but I have no preference one way or the other of having sex or not. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't, either one is fine.

I can relate to these very much and partly to the rest of what you told (e.g. I like to laugh but I also enjoy other things, like music and nature), but I think I have more variation because sometimes I find being around people both tiresome and stressful, and I have bouts of self-doubt, anhedonia and even paranoia... but then again, I snap back quickly and everything seems okay again, and the negative feelings don't even feel real until the next time.

It's funny, but I've always thought of this as 'flexibility' instead of 'indifference', although I see now that the latter is a perfectly valid label. Some people have even told me that I'm indifferent. In a way, I'm also less sensitive because of this, although I can't tolerate people who are vulgar and unreliable.

Moreover, this 'indifference' of mine is almost like a philosophy of life for me. Maybe it's because I was very young when I noticed that it separated me from anyone else I knew, and this made me introspective.

RedSoviet wrote:Yesterday was a example of this. I got really angry at my sister and her stupid religious beliefs. Even thought i didn't feel anything like anger inside me i punched the monitor 2 and my bed 7 times so strongly that i'm sure that the neighbors heard it.

Have you read anything about alexithymia? It's when you get an emotional response physiologically, but not emotionally, if that makes any sense. Like, if you had alexithymia at that moment you punched your monitor, you'd have had an increased heartrate and blood pressure, and could very well act out on your anger, but not feel angry. Much like you described. Someone who has it may cry but may not feel sad, but their body still reacts sad even if their mind or consciousness, doesn't.

This is a difficult question for me as while I feel indifferent to everything, I know that if I really was, why even bother to be on this forum or to do anything? (Although I have attempted to write a post on this thread a couple of times and each time gave up as I thought "whats the point") My active consciousness seems to be indifferent to everything, but my sub-consciousness doesn't, I'd say I was maybe 90% indifferent.

It seems to me that I don't care any anything, expect art and creativity, and most of the time I don't, but there are times when I do seem to care, but its brief then its gone. I also relate to redsoviet in not really feeling anger (although I am capable) but acting on it and then being ok. I also love to laugh...when somethings funny/amusing to me.

superposition wrote:I don't mind being around other people as long as I have something to do

Agree, but when their isn't something to do I want to escape.

RedSoviet wrote:

superposition wrote:If it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't, either one is fine.

That simplifies my reaction to most things.

Acinorev wrote:

RedSoviet wrote:Yesterday was a example of this. I got really angry at my sister and her stupid religious beliefs. Even thought i didn't feel anything like anger inside me i punched the monitor 2 and my bed 7 times so strongly that i'm sure that the neighbors heard it.

Have you read anything about alexithymia? It's when you get an emotional response physiologically, but not emotionally, if that makes any sense. Like, if you had alexithymia at that moment you punched your monitor, you'd have had an increased heartrate and blood pressure, and could very well act out on your anger, but not feel angry. Much like you described. Someone who has it may cry but may not feel sad, but their body still reacts sad even if their mind or consciousness, doesn't.

What you said is very interesting. I did some research and guess that i have this. The only thing that i don't agree is the lack of fantasy. I daydream a lot. The description seem to confuse emotions with feelings. It's extremely difficult to me to feel any emotion and describe them when i do, but i recognize i have feelings about some things. But i also i get little reaction when i see those feelings contradicted.

Acinorev wrote: It's when you get an emotional response physiologically, but not emotionally

I identify with this strongly. There's some intellectualization to emotions such as anger/anxiety.When something doesn't go the way i want, i don't get any emotional reaction, but instead i project those emotions in my mind. For example instead of feeling angry i may fantasize destroying stuff/being arrogant with people. Amorality pops up too.

The way you talk about it, it sounds very dissociative to me.
I feel dissociated from my own emotions frequently, but not my body or anything like that.
I don't think I have hard and fast alexithymia...the vast majority of the time I have a feeling that I experience, I know I have it. I have a very, very hard time talking about them though. This is a relatively new concept to me actually, that this is an issue I have at all. I spend so much time in my own head that I find it rather astonishing that I can't describe myself well.

I am not aggressive since my irritation last for 1-2 sec. I think that the real reason behind my irritation is actually my apathy, when I enjoy playing a game nothing will make irritated when I don't enjoy it enough it can be irritating. I also don't feat into avoiding social contact I am just as indifferent to it as I am to other things, the only thing that I can enjoy rather consistently is food, but I don't even care about that, when I didn't had access to food that I enjoy I was hardly eating anything at all, and it didn't bother me.

I feel the same way, nothing seems to bother me much whether its negative or positive. I can relate to that post about alexythmia, there have been times where i've acted with anger but never feel it on the inside for example my brother and cousin were pestering me to go swimming with them, while there there was this guy who was generally just annoying people. He tried to hit my cousin and I said if he touched him i'd beat him up, he left us alone afterwards and then he appeared in the showers and tried to steal my cousins locker key, i said the same stuff to him and he gave it back. I didn't feel angry but reacted that way.