Living in a shell

I think this metaphor very accurately captures what it feels like to be schizoid, at least for me. Blunted emotions, yes...but with the following modification. I can feel strong emotions (or what I consider to be strong, relatively anyway) in my thoughts, but not in my experiences. My experiences all have a sort of numbing quality to them, while mood swings may genuinely be going on in my mind - one day I might be thinking it's great to be alive, the next I might be upset that I haven't killed myself yet. But I never show these changes in mood outwardly...when I do, it always feels fake and forced. I imagine a shell between my mind and my body.

AC

Yes, I agree.
I see myself as living in a ball of glass.

And as with you: blunted emotions. I do experiences emotions from time to time as though, also in the mind and seldom anything on the "outside", but only under special conditions.
For example: If I see animal cruelty or something on TV. It makes me sad but it's not like I express these emotions. They only appear on the inside.

The only emotions/expressions I truly express outwards is, laughter. I dunno why but I have a theory that laughter is an expression/action/feeling that cannot be misinterpret, which makes it easier for all, not just schizoids, to express it. Probably easier than any other emotion.

oo

I think this metaphor very accurately captures what it feels like to be schizoid, at least for me. Blunted emotions, yes...but with the following modification. I can feel strong emotions (or what I consider to be strong, relatively anyway) in my thoughts, but not in my experiences. My experiences all have a sort of numbing quality to them, while mood swings may genuinely be going on in my mind - one day I might be thinking it's great to be alive, the next I might be upset that I haven't killed myself yet. But I never show these changes in mood outwardly...when I do, it always feels fake and forced. I imagine a shell between my mind and my body.

what you decribe is depersonalazation. which has degrees from mild to extreeme. i would say we have emotions but they are diconnected from our person. In bipolar disorder these emotions are connected to the person. in my case the emotions are disconnected. But i would say they produce the same results. its like you have to "turn the music up louder 4 us because of our ear muffs". are personallities tend to be extreme. we are extreemly loyal or your worst enimies. nothing in between. we can go to the extreme simply because the emotion itself isnt connected. hate an love while in are minds are differnt. to our psHyical its the same. WHAT YOU DESCRIBE ABOVE IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE of living in a shell. to be heard in the shell youv got to "yell" and to hear what others are saying you got to really "listen"



Sufferers of depersonalization feel divorced from both the world and from their own identity and physicality. Oftentimes the person who has experienced depersonalization claims that life "feels like a movie, things seem unreal, or hazy." [citation needed] Also a recognition of self breaks down (hence the name). The person suffering from the disorder may feel like life is a dream or an illusion of sorts.

The feeling is said to be like being a ghost. No matter how hard the person tries, he/she cannot feel like they are genuinely interacting with the world. They can't seem to perceive themselves as being normal. While the person is struggling to feel everything as normal, there is a part of themself which begs to just give up and stop the struggling. A sufferer from depersonalization can be especially susceptible to suicide, undertaking the suicidal process calmly and easily without real awareness. Simply put, depersonalization is an alteration in the perception or experience of oneself, so that the self is felt to be unreal; the person feels detached from reality and/or their own body or mental processes.

while mood swings may genuinely be going on in my mind - one day I might be thinking it's great to be alive, the next I might be upset that I haven't killed myself yet.

i differ in that regard though. i tend to allways be in the same mood. and of course never thought of killing anything or anybody. i guess for some it comes and goes for me its mostly constant so its no biggie

Artificial Lifeform wrote:The only emotions/expressions I truly express outwards is, laughter. I dunno why but I have a theory that laughter is an expression/action/feeling that cannot be misinterpret, which makes it easier for all, not just schizoids, to express it. Probably easier than any other emotion.

Maybe. I must admit I do a lot of "nervous laughing" to try to ease the tension around others, but it is not genuine.

You play World of Warcraft right? Is it just an activity to pass the time for you, or do you enjoy it? You must enjoy it at least somewhat since it is preferable than say, staring at a blank wall. Is there anything specific about the game that you get enjoyment from? If your cd was to break for whatever reason, would you spend the effort to get another copy or simply find something else to pass the time?

AC

prot wrote:Sufferers of depersonalization feel divorced from both the world and from their own identity and physicality. Oftentimes the person who has experienced depersonalization claims that life "feels like a movie, things seem unreal, or hazy." [citation needed] Also a recognition of self breaks down (hence the name). The person suffering from the disorder may feel like life is a dream or an illusion of sorts.

Sort of...but I seem to identify more with "feeling like an observer instead of a participant". As if my mind is, for whatever reason, not meant to experience happiness in the same way as a "normal" person. But I can still very easily differentiate between reality, my own fantasies, and my actual subconscious dreams.

Here's something else I wrote in an email almost a year ago:

"I don't show the emotions I am feeling because there is a disconnection between the time I feel them and the time I say (or write) them to others. So it all feels incredibly fake to me."

AC

Acid Crystal,

Reference your shell - for me it was a wall, a wall I put up to protect myself because 'everything' hurt too much. Then someone told me, "Okay, it may keep the bad stuff out but it also keeps the good stuff out. So I worked to bring the wall down. Now it seems that it is only now and again that I feel things too much..... Like some sad or violent movies I just can't watch and yet in a different mood I can... go figure.

Artificial Lifeform wrote: "For example: If I see animal cruelty or something on TV. It makes me sad but it's not like I express these emotions. They only appear on the inside. too."

For me that would be impossible to watch, especially when people and kids are involved. I can't even watch the famine relief advert - all those starving children. It just 'hurts' way too much.

Sometimes I think I should have just kept the wall up. But then I might not have met my husband and had three amazing kids.

Rose

prot,

So is putting up a wall or building a shell around ourselves called depersonalization? Or have I misunderstood? My emotions do seem disconnected, they are there but it's like it 'hits me later'. And sometimes overwhelms me.

"It's like you have to turn the music up louder to hear through the ear muffs".

I find myself struggling to 'feel' appropriate emotions at the appropriate time. Like at a funeral, perhaps. Later it 'hits' me but at the time I'm thinking the people around me are thinking that I don't care - I do, I'm just not ‘where they are right now’ but I will be later. Does that make sense.

Rose

prot,

So is putting up a wall or building a shell around ourselves called depersonalization? Or have I misunderstood? My emotions do seem disconnected, they are there but it's like it 'hits me later'. And sometimes overwhelms me.

"It's like you have to turn the music up louder to hear through the ear muffs".

I find myself struggling to 'feel' appropriate emotions at the appropriate time. Like at a funeral, perhaps. Later it 'hits' me but at the time I'm thinking the people around me are thinking that I don't care - I do, I'm just not ‘where they are right now’ but I will be later. Does that make sense.

Rose

as 4 putting up a wall. i dont activily put up a wall to not get hurt. its like if i had a house and you lived in a apartment your whole life. when you got your 1st house,your very very happy. i would be like whats the big deal its a house.

most times i fail to show the proper emotion all together. i dont save it 4 later or anything. it neither comes nor passes.

iv felt sad and cried at funerals before but not 4 the person who died. as a "watcher" i felt sorry for those people who lost a loved one. though i felt sorrow "seeing all those morning people had a bigger impact on how i felt".(though in reality all the other morning people had a subconcious effect on everyone there. i of course, was aware of it.)



thats were the acting comes in. thru experience i understand the power of non verbal communication. it really doesnt matter what a person says verbally. if a situation require that im angry, i show anger, if someone is sad i show saddness. im neither angry nor sad... think of a car. normal people reactions are like an automatic, ours is a stick shift. if we miss gears the car stalls. laughing as you said is easy. but even my friends know you could tell a joke and i may be laughing at my own version of it. or a the bird that just flew by. i have a few laughs. real and then i have the enxiety shut up and go away fake laugh. that one gets me in a world of trouble. i used it while getting in trouble. people would allways say you think its funny, i would say no, they would say then why are you laughing. but its not a real laugh its what i call my enxiety laugh. it allways broke tension with my mom. but she understands my crazy ass.

Reference your shell - for me it was a wall, a wall I put up to protect myself because 'everything' hurt too much. Then someone told me, "Okay, it may keep the bad stuff out but it also keeps the good stuff out. So I worked to bring the wall down. Now it seems that it is only now and again that I feel things too much..... Like some sad or violent movies I just can't watch and yet in a different mood I can... go figure.

not for me. things dont seem to hurt enough.

youv got to imagine a camera man. when taking shots he is immune

since we are always taking shots we are to engaged to feel much at the time.