can you advise please?

hello. i'm a 30 year old, with Bipolar disorder diagnosed 6 years ago. i've been seeing a psychotherapist for various issues for a while and she has said she believes much of my personality is disordered (without going so far as to actually say i have a PD). also recently my psychiatrist told me that other doctors in the past had thought i had a PD but he wasn't convinced. it was only then that i told him that there are in fact several aspects of my personality that even i think are a bit unusual but i've never mentioned it to him (or any psychiatrist) because i didn't believe it was part of the bipolar and therefore irrelevant. after telling him about these, he has referred me to a local pd network which is a support group of patients and run by psych workers from the local hospital. i am going to this later this week.

but obviously all of this has got me thinking about whether i have a PD and if so, which. the more i think about it, the more i believe that i do present with many of the traits of schizoid PD. if i tell you how it looks from my angle, could you may advise on whether it could be this or whether i'm barking up the wrong tree?

i've always been very cold in terms of affection and emotion: i just don't really do them. and if people show affection or emotion towards me, i feel really uncomfortable. it's even worse if my parents do it. even songs about love and affection make me feel cold, i just don't understand them. i had major heart surgery as a baby and was in hospital for a long time after birth, and in and out for most of my childhood. i feel i have no bond whatsoever with my parents or my brothers, and although they clearly feel something towards me, i genuinely don't understand this. i feel emotions are a weakness. i think that being in love with someone (if that even exists) is to be weakened by being dependent on them.

i have a few good mates (3 or 4 very good, and about 6 pretty good), but none of them live near me (the closest is probably 15 miles away) and i like this, because it means i don't see them often. i probably see my very best friend about 2-3 times a year. i enjoy talking to my best friend on the phone, but almost everybody else i communicate with via email/msn or text messaging - i like these methods because they are unintrusive and i can control when i cut them off. also they mean i don't have to pretend to be showing emotion in either my face or voice. even my very best friends, i never really talk about "deep" stuff with them. when i think about it, i know people who have deeper conversations with their acquaintances than i do with my best mates. not that that worries me. in fact, i very rarely call them friends, it's almost always "mates" because that to me implies a more casual thing: friends is something deeper.

almost everything i do, i like doing alone. i often go to the cinema alone. i rarely go with other people. even if someone else offers to take me, i'll be uncomfortable with going. i don't like the bits where i have to be sociable. i will happily sit in a cafe or restaurant in soho with a book and stay there for ages, on my own, and the idea of going to a restaurant with someone else kind of bothers me, because to me, it's valuable me time.

i recently went to a hen night (i couldn't get out of it) and although it was reasonably enjoyable, i really just kept thinking about how i'd rather be at home in front of the telly. i am at the corresponding wedding tomorrow and i'm quite annoyed to have to go to it, especially as it will be a whole day of sociability. i have a house that i share with two housemates, but i keep myself to myself. we will chat in the kitchen over a cup of tea, but i am alone for probbably 23.5 hours of the day, which is ideal for me.

i've always hated sex (i don't know why) and have always found sexual relationships a drag. basically i hate the idea of being co-dependent with somebody: having a partner, to me, is like having a rock tied around your neck. i feel that to be with someone is to be tied down, encroached upon, to have my independence cut off, and generally a pain. when i was younger (and very ill with bipolar) i was quite promiscuous but mainly because i would get very very drunk and i always felt it was expected of me to have sex. i always hated it, and i can count on one hand the number of times i've done it sober. the longest relationship i've had was 9 months and i hated it. i felt totally trapped. in the last year or so i've realised that sleeping with people for expectations is silly and that if i don't want sex, i don't have to have it, so i'm now celibate and happier than i've been in years. i don't feel like i'm being pressured into having another person dragging me down.

one thing i hate is being praised. it makes me feel annoyed. i just think "why are you saying that?" - especially if it's coming from my parents. in terms of criticism, i wouldn't say it's always water off a duck's back, but i do very much have an attitude of "well i don't really care what they think". some personal criticisms may hurt a little initially but within a minute or two that attitude will overrule that. but i have a very rational and logical outlook - if it's meant to hurt me emotionally it's just pointless, because it won't, because my rational outlook will just come out on top.

i think there are other things as well, but my mind's just gone blank. to me, the only glaring discrepancy is that i have bipolar, which is obviously a mood disorder which implies deep emotions. but apart from mania and depression my overriding emotion is annoyed embarrassment when people are nice to me or praise me, embarrassed because they expect a loving response and annoyed because they still haven't worked out i can't give it.

any advice would be appreciated.

dogtanian,

I could have written your post.

I've always been very cold in terms of affection and emotion. Uncomfortable with displays of affection from anyone but my grandchildren and only because I make a very special effort for them.

My parents are dead, dad being the one who caused my problems, committed suicide. And my mum died of cancer in 96.

I find some songs, some movies and some music just a load of mushy crap.

I was married to a lovely man for twenty years and brought up three children. Divorced now. I remember making the conscious decision to 'let him take care of me'. I knew for a long time that something was going on - wrong with me - and I didn't think I was going to make it on my own. So I chose him to take care of me. I never told anyone that before. But I really think it was a smart move. I am convinced that I would have gone the same way as my dad if I hadn't decided to let him take care of me. Having said that I was also a very independent person and could not stand being told what to do. But he was a soldier and away a lot so it all worked out just fine.

I too had one or two friends and I only allowed the ones who could take me as I am to stick around for any length of time. I was hard work and sticking with them was my reward to them for putting up with me.

I too like MSN and forums because I love writing and your right you don't have to 'act' appropriately if you don't want to. This 'acting' is so exhausting. This way of communicating is so much easier for us and people like us.

I too like being alone. And I'm happy with my own company.

I often think about how nice it would be to just go sit in a cafe on my own and have coffee. Something I haven't done. Or go relax over a meal on my own, without having to 'act' like everyone else - just be myself.

You mentioned a wedding. My daughter got married last month and oh boy was it a struggle to go, I was very happy for her, and she was very beautiful. And again I have never told anyone about how I really felt, I just kind of grin and bear it. If anyone commentated on me looking tense I just said that I just wanted everything to go well for her and that I was worried something might spoil her day.

We learn to be such good liars.

Never keen on sex, could put on a pretty good show though with a few drinks in me.

You mention being with someone felt like you had a rock tied around your neck. I wonder if you have ever heard the Janice Joplin song 'Ball and Chain'. That's what being married felt like to me, I never wore my wedding ring, made all sorts of excuses for not wearing it. But the truth is I never felt married nor did I want to be. But living together was frowned upon back in early seventies. I wanted him and I wanted him to take care of me, I also wanted children, I just didn't want to be married. Most of the problems in the marriage was me fighting for my independence - to have the right to do as I pleased without having to answer to anyone - and yet still have a safe place to come home to. I almost drove that poor guy crazy.

You say you felt totally trapped in a relationship. I had problems anyway because of my violent abusive father. But I got worse during the marriage because I felt trapped, in the end I felt like I was waiting to die. BUT.... I also have alters and switching back and forth meant things weren't always that bad. Seems it was for only one or two, others help the relationship move along.

I too have been celibate - since 94 and I'm happier too.

I don't know about bipolar. I have been officially diagnosed with a schizoid disorder and unofficially with Dissociate Identity Disorder.

Was any of that familiar?

Rose

you guys sound like you activily hate things. i differ in that regard. i dont hate things i just dont miss them

prot,

I never used the word 'hate' above. And I never meant I hated anything. I agree with what you said about just not missing them.

What are your dreams like? They say our dreams help compensate for what we don't have in real life. I wonder if that also applies even if we don't particularly want these things anyway.

Your thoughts on that?

prot wrote:you guys sound like you activily hate things. i differ in that regard. i dont hate things i just dont miss them

i think maybe i came over a bit strong then. however, i do tend to use the word "hate" in the same way as i use the word "love" - pretty much devoid of meaning.

i have never used the word love in its proper form: i can't because i don't believe it exists. but i do say i love cheese or i love bananas which is meaningless and easy to say. it's the same with hate: i don't think i actually hate these things it's just that when i'm pressured by others into doing them, it makes me resent it even more. the only thing that i genuinely despise is sex. it's just that those words are easy because people understand them. if i tried to go into everything that i think or feel, i'd be there all day.

i had a thought overnight, there is one other thing that i think kind of puts everything off balance which is that i get uncontrollable rages. it's not quite anger, in that i don't feel angry in the way i might when someone's done something bad, but i get these outbursts. never to people i know, because rocking the boat seems like too much effort to bother with but with total strangers. if i have to use public transport, that's when i'm at my most volatile. the problem is i often find people disgusting, in a physical sense, and if they come too close to me or worse, touch me (inadvertently) i start swearing at them and telling them they should be dead. it's not something i have control over, i start the journey saying to myself "don't do it this time" but for some reason it just happens. it's quite weird and quite scary, and although it's hard to explain how, it doesn't feel like an emotional reaction, it's more about having a zone around me where people can't intrude.

RoseAllison wrote:What are your dreams like? They say our dreams help compensate for what we don't have in real life. I wonder if that also applies even if we don't particularly want these things anyway.

Your thoughts on that?

i don't know how it relates but my dreams are usually vivid and often scary or intense. i often wake up with them.

i had a thought overnight, there is one other thing that i think kind of puts everything off balance which is that i get uncontrollable rages. it's not quite anger, in that i don't feel angry in the way i might when someone's done something bad, but i get these outbursts. never to people i know, because rocking the boat seems like too much effort to bother with but with total strangers. if i have to use public transport, that's when i'm at my most volatile. the problem is i often find people disgusting, in a physical sense, and if they come too close to me or worse, touch me (inadvertently) i start swearing at them and telling them they should be dead. it's not something i have control over, i start the journey saying to myself "don't do it this time" but for some reason it just happens. it's quite weird and quite scary, and although it's hard to explain how, it doesn't feel like an emotional reaction, it's more about having a zone around me where people can't intrude.

my dreams. conversations i had yesterday!!! chess. cars passing. flying. sattelites moving from one part of the earth to others. i attribute many things to actual things. when i blink i attribute that to camera flashes as if my eyes are infact cameras taking pictures of places and things. scanning an area attributes to a sattelite moving to a diffent location from one earth footprint to another in space.( like you would see a sattelite move in a movie) thats how my head feels when im activily scanning.(paranoid state) i have these in real life, also in my dreams very often.


uncontrollable rages? we are allways in control. are life if built on maintaining control. rage. in my case its called extreme enxiety, paranoia. but you would never know. the more extreme i get the more calm you think i am.

remember its about control

so the more out of it i am. the more i fight it to stay in control.


even loosing it... is control. we are in control till the end. i can say that iv had only a couple of bad episodes. it was tuff. in and out in and out. but i pulled thru.

dogtanian,

"i don't know how it relates but my dreams are usually vivid and often scary or intense. i often wake up with them."

I was just wondering if you are on medication. Some medication can makes dreams very vivid.

Prot,

".. when i blink i attribute that to camera flashes as if my eyes are infact cameras taking pictures of places and things..."

I read somewhere that when looking at something you want to remember you can take a mental picture of it - just look at it then close your eyes and them open them again and you should never forget that 'picture'. I did it once standing on a bridge at sunset, it was a beautiful sunset, and I just have to close my eyes to see it again. The image helps a lot when I'm doing relaxation and meditation, and this I do in order to cope with everything else in my life - it helps me stay in control of things.

I would also like to point out that paranoia is quite simply a heightened sense of awareness, something that seems unique to us with disorders.

RoseAllison wrote:dogtanian,

"i don't know how it relates but my dreams are usually vivid and often scary or intense. i often wake up with them."

I was just wondering if you are on medication. Some medication can makes dreams very vivid.

i am, yes, but actually the meds tend to knock the dreams on the head. i've had bizarre and intense dreams ever since i can remember but at the moment i take lithium (which seems to have no effect) and antipsychotics which seem to stop the dreaming or at least quieten them down.