My life is a lie

Hello...23 year old male from Seattle, USA here. I'll skip the unimportant personal crap that no one cares about anyway and get straight to the point trying to make this as short as reasonably possible. I've felt there's something wrong...well not wrong...different I guess...about me. In short, I don't seem to understand anyone in how they can possibly get enjoyment out of the things they do, and the lives they lead on a daily basis.

All social interaction seems fake to me...most of all my own interaction. It's as if I've learned how to express emotions that I don't actually feel. I show love and caring towards my parents when deep down I feel indifferent. I pretend to be interested in the activities my friends ask me to be a part of, when I really just wish they'd leave me alone. The worst part is...on the surface, I'm often good at lying. People take it as a sign I want to be friends, and they attempt to get closer to me. Not only is it the opposite of what I want, but the closer they get, the more difficult it becomes to lie. Eventually they start to realize something isn't quite right, at which point I become so uncomfortable, I just shut them out completely and stop responding to them.

A few months ago I started seriously questioning whether life is worth living (though I've had my doubts for as far back as I can remember). At this point I opened up a little to a few people online since I felt like I had nothing to lose...and it was surprisingly difficult to do (as is writing this post), since like I said, all of my social interaction is fake. Eventually someone suggested that I read up on schizoid personality (I'm one of those people who insists on leaving off the "disorder" term). I have to say I was in shock (though it seems like I'm not the only one who had this reaction) when I did so. Both schizoid personality and Asperger's syndrome matched how I feel, with schizoid matching almost perfectly.

Reading posts here is strange. I literally mean it when I say it seems like I could have written a lot of them myself. The specific details and experiences often differ, but the general thought processes make sense to me. That's definitely a first. Don't get me wrong...I don't expect to build any relationships or friendships here...I'm not that kind of person. I suspect many here feel similarly from what I've read. Right now, I'm just not sure if I could get anything positive out of life...or whether I'm just waiting to pass the time until death (I don't think I have the strength to kill myself). I suspect I will continue smiling and nodding, and living a lie for many years to come. I certainly can't see it changing any time soon.

AC

Lol they get enjoyment out of it because their minds are focused on small\superficial things.

Also they enjoy it because they know it is right to enjoy what they are doing. It keeps them sane.


For those of us who cannot enjoy minimal every day life tasks we get bonuses and penalties for our abilities.

Theres good and bad in everything.

Is sanity something that people are constantly struggling to maintain? Is being sane analogous to being superficial and fake? Bonuses and penalties, yes...though I might describe it as losing bonuses and penalties rather than getting them...but the net result is the same.

AC

Well welcome to the forums then - though I seriously don't mean that (and we both know why).

Im also in the 20s (21yo) - living in europe, and Im also gonna skip the "personal crap that no one cares about anyway" (###$ - that's exactly one of my common expressions, word by word)

I also felt "wrong" during my entire life. My uninterest in social situations (and weak social abilities in general) combined with teenage anxiety, made me think I had social phobia when I was about 14-17. Now I know much better. Over a year ago I read the DSV-IV symptoms for schizoid personality and I just fit, over a 90% match I would say. I only found these boards like some week ago though, and just as you im surprised about peoples thought patterns and behavior - it's like I've written the whole thing.

I also think that all social interactions are fake. Just look at the high amount of backstabbing, lying and parasitic behavior - that should be more than enough for evidence. When I look at "normal" people, I see weak people belonging to the grey mass - their lives are worthless cause they all are the same, look the same, behave the same, have the same life, job, clothes, whatever - like ants or something. But, unlike you, I enjoy being around my closest family (parents, and younger brother).

Im pretty much like you in social situations, with the big difference that I have no friends (I got some "buddy" living there and there, but I wouldnt call them friends). On the surface, people see just another grey being in this grey mass, a camoflaged schizoid no one can spot. As they get closer though they notice something is wrong. Most people don't get close though coz they see that im stone-skinned and uninterested. I never goes to parties or hang out with friends/buddies (I can smoke a joint now and then but thats just because im interested in the drugs and not the actiual social situation)

Artificial Lifeform, thanks for your response. Yeah, I know you don't mean welcome. After reading a few posts here, I was confident I could say upfront I wasn't looking to build any relationships or friendships here and people wouldn't misunderstand me as expressing negative feelings (which is nice, since if I said that to anyone I talk to in real life, they would almost assuredly be insulted).

I was diagnosed with social anxiety (I prefer that term over social phobia) a few years ago. I don't know how it was for you...but for me the anxiety comes because I never feel comfortable being my schizoid self in social situations. I've learned to, almost subconsciously, fake emotional interest in activities, objects, and other people. The same fakeness was present in my conversations with the psych I was seeing. I was recently put on an anxiety medication, which had the effect of making me feel like a zombie (I've since stopped taking it though as it was basically a waste of money and I don't like being addicted/dependent on stuff). I guess schizoids are known for being honest, but I'm nothing more than a liar to everyone I meet. Lately I don't feel like I have the strength to lie anymore though. Now I often remain totally silent around people when before I would have tried to fake an emotion. The anxiety is starting to be replaced by an all-consuming sort of numbness...perhaps it is just happening to me slightly later in life than it did for you.

AC

Acid Crystal wrote:I've learned to, almost subconsciously, fake emotional interest in activities, objects, and other people.

Acid Crystal wrote:Lately I don't feel like I have the strength to lie anymore though. Now I often remain totally silent around people when before I would have tried to fake an emotion. The anxiety is starting to be replaced by an all-consuming sort of numbness...perhaps it is just happening to me slightly later in life than it did for you.

I'm faking it too, but I don't feel that the faking is draining me, only the sheer boredom of the situation. Actually I get a positive feedback from faking it - faking happiness will make me glad for a few seconds.

Acid Crystal wrote:I was diagnosed with social anxiety (I prefer that term over social phobia) a few years ago. I don't know how it was for you...but for me the anxiety comes because I never feel comfortable being my schizoid self in social situations.

I only had this social anxiety when I was like 14-17 (maybe 18) years old. Then I grew more confident I guess. I don't give a damn anylonger if people think Im weird. When I have to be social, Ill just "play along" to "get thru" the situation - and I really dont have any problems with that cause I know that its just a temporary state that I soon can get away from.

HungryJoe wrote:I'm faking it too, but I don't feel that the faking is draining me, only the sheer boredom of the situation. Actually I get a positive feedback from faking it - faking happiness will make me glad for a few seconds.

Interesting. For me, I almost embrace boredom as happiness. When I am alone, my mind can roam freely and I can be content literally doing nothing for hours. Around other people, I feel constrained and "on edge" like I have to constantly pay attention to what is happening around me, and that gets draining after a while.

AC

Artificial Lifeform wrote:I only had this social anxiety when I was like 14-17 (maybe 18) years old. Then I grew more confident I guess. I don't give a damn anylonger if people think Im weird. When I have to be social, Ill just "play along" to "get thru" the situation - and I really dont have any problems with that cause I know that its just a temporary state that I soon can get away from.

Yeah, that's the good thing, though it does feel like I spend the majority of my life "playing along". My anxiety mainly kicks in beforehand, when I go from a state of being alone to a state of being around others. Once I make that transition, I settle down and remain in an agitated and edgy state and just try to get away from it when I can. I guess I don't really get nervous about making a bad impression, in fact I often prefer that since people will tend to leave me alone afterwards...but mainly it is just the situation I find to be uncomfortable, even if it is only temporary.

AC

Acid Crystal wrote: Around other people, I feel constrained and "on edge" like I have to constantly pay attention to what is happening around me, and that gets draining after a while.

AC

Exactly, I can never fully relax when there's ever anyone else around, I do have a ridiculous amount of self-consciousness though, as soon as I step outside the front door there's a certain amount of "uptightness" that kicks in. It is this that makes working around other's full time just about impossible.

Acid Crystal wrote:Interesting. For me, I almost embrace boredom as happiness. When I am alone, my mind can roam freely and I can be content literally doing nothing for hours.

AC

This has really been my only aim in life - mental freedom. Around other's this is just not possible for me. I guess it comes down to selfishness in a way.