Going through the motions

Hi all,
This is my first post so I apologize if someone else has already explored this topic

I just recently found out what a schizoid is, and I can't believe how well it fits me. I've always been withdrawn for as long as I can remember, but I never knew what to call it. Up until now, I always considered myself to be cool, collected, and composed, since emotions rarely influenced my decisions (and although it bears the title "disorder" I certainly don't feel crippled by it).

I know that part of being schizoid means an inability to express many emotions, but even those that I can express are usually feebly executed and look half-hearted at best. My family is a group of charismatic Christians, so keeping my emotions to myself is usually not an option. In addition, I go to college and am required on a daily basis to interact in a social fashion.

In high shcool, I learned that even though I can't express too many real emotions, I was very good at imitating them. I would guage a situation and react in a manner that was consistent with social norms. As such, I don't appear to be a schizoid.

I am very good at acting out happiness (I actually feel happy sometimes), concern, and anger. Any emotions which leave you exposed or which invites attention such as sadness, lonliness, etc. are very hard for me to imitate due to the fact that I don't like attention.

I'll never win an award for my performances, but they usually convince people that I'm able to relate to them. I do feel somewhat fake by doing this, but at the same time I feel better than showing them an emotionally detached and uncaring version of myself.

In general I don't feel empty or "emotionally deprived" just for not having the capacity to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm curious how many of you have compensated for your lack of social skills by simply going through the motions.

Again, please be gentle if I have unknowingly performed a forum faux-pas (I almost never post to forums). Thanks.

I do feel somewhat fake by doing this, but at the same time I feel better than showing them an emotionally detached and uncaring version of myself.

I have decided that it isn't better.

albinosnowman wrote:I'm curious how many of you have compensated for your lack of social skills by simply going through the motions.

I'm going through the motions just like you. Until recently I've never really thought this through as it has been an automatic reaction pattern for me for as long as I can remember. As far as I've discovered I primarily employ 2 different techniques for this:
1. Mirroring is the easiest one. When someone appears sad, I'm sad and sympathetic. When someone is happy I'm all smiles too. To some extent I really feel sad or happy too, but the emotion is very shallow and could well evaporate from one moment to the next.

2. Trying to alter the mood of the interaction to a shallow and joking affair. "Happy" emotions are less uncomfortable than sad, angry etc because the intensity of that emotion is weaker in the one I'm talking to.

Being a social chameleon has enabled me to slip quietly into the background more easily than any demonstration of my schizoidism so I've continued doing it even after I realized I was faking it. The point is being left alone, isn't it?

The point is being left alone, isn't it?

The point is to live proudly and honestly.

verty wrote:

The point is being left alone, isn't it?

The point is to live proudly and honestly.

Well we all have a different approach to living. I'll settle for peace and quiet and if that involves deception then so be it.