Introductions

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I’m a 77yo guy, 10 years retired from IT, conventional work and family history, divorced for 19 years after 22 year marriage, miscellaneous relationships since divorce but have given up looking for an intimate relationship as I’ve finally accepted that I can’t honestly offer a potential partner any hope of a heart connection.

I started a writing course this year. One of the assignments allowed me to write a Personal Essay, a recognised genre in nonfiction writing.

I chose the topic of “Indifference” and set an essay scope of: my adult lifelong indifference/apathy, society’s attitude to individual and group indifference, scientific and medical takes on indifference and two fictional portrayals of characters exhibiting strong indifference.

While researching the medical-scientific conditions that have indifference as a symptom, I re-visited Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD), a diagnosis which I, and a couple of therapists, had previously considered. We rejected the diagnosis because I have been, for all my adult life, socially available, interested, and engaged. I have behaved as an outwardly “normal” husband, father, grandfather, lover and friend.

And then I came across the sub-category of “secret schizoid”, a schizoid who functions “normally” by complying with expectations and playing a part in which their personality is not involved. Though I’ve yet to get this self-diagnosis confirmed professionally, it feels right. I feel enlightened, knowable and validated.

Though it’s satisfying and a relief to acquire a “label”, to receive a diagnosis, it unavoidably raises the question “What now?”.

I think I have three options:
1. Business as usual
2. “Come out”
3. Try and change

Option 1: Business as usual.

I know I am an impostor. I behave socially as though I have normal feelings. Nobody (except my ex-wife) has ever challenged the falseness of my behaviour given my underlying lack of feelings. There may be other people – I can’t have fooled them all – who know about my underlying indifference but accept my company nonetheless. Some people, probably most, don’t know about my indifference and are misled by my behaviour. Those people see me doing normal social things and assume it’s because I have normal social needs. I don’t. I do those things for other reasons: intellectual stimulation, fun, altruism, sexual desire, conflict avoidance.

Funnily enough, I’m not unhappy day-to-day with how my life is going, particularly now that I have acknowledged my indifference. At least, I feel no pain or distress that needs immediate attention.

I have a nagging feeling that I’ve never been part of the human race, having never known what loving and being loved feel like. And, as I approach the end of my life, I wonder how I’ll deal with a negative evaluation of my life as I look back from my deathbed.

Option 2: “Come out”

Come out as the unfeeling, unempathetic person that I am, decide what that means for relationships with family and friends and act on those decisions (scary for me – possible conflict, potentially hurtful for family and friends). But least, I’d then be living honestly, authentically, no longer an impostor.

Option 3: Try and change

Try and change to become a feeling person. I think that will need psychedelic-assisted therapy (PAT) or something equally brain-altering. Other therapies haven’t shifted me. Getting some of the beneficial mind-bending results claimed by PAT proponents would represent the best of all outcomes available to me. If I get nowhere with PAT, I’m no worse off. There will be no bad outcomes – I will be trusting my guides to get me through any bad trip.

This forum is the first context in which I’ve disclosed my new insights. I would be glad of any responses from fellow schizoids, particularly “secret ones”. Previous to registering for the forum, I searched for and found some posts mentioning “secret schizoid” but since I registered and logged in, the search facility seems to have disappeared – I’ll keep looking!

I’m looking for comments on my self-diagnosis and suggestions for therapeutic techniques that have worked for others. Thanks in advance for any interest.

Hi, I — a non native english speaker with an Interest in SzPD — just wanted to say hello.

So… hello!

That's all for the beginning, I think.

Hello. I am a woman in my late 30s, married, no children. I found the term schizoid in yet another Google search in an attempt to understand myself, and after reading about a bunch of other things, like autism spectrum and alexythymia, SPD actually feels like it fits.

I am married but have very few friends. I have realised that I don't care much about most people, even to the extent of not feeling sad when people I know die. To the point where I started to ask myself, whose deaths would I genuinely mourn? To be honest, I am not sure the list is any longer than my husband and my parents.
My husband is also very introverted and very much a loner. I also recently realised that I am asexual.

My friendships from school days have all drifted apart, and I don't feel I much in common with them really.
Feeling 'trapped in a conversation' can make me feel like I am going to go mad. The things that most people talk about are really boring to me.
There are a few people here and there that make me wish I could be their friend, usually for a more interesting intellectual conversation, but I know I don't bring much to the friendship, because I really don't have much to say to people.

I have a strong feeling of the need to be polite and societal expectations, so I try to meet my obligations in that regard (I also read Gretchen Rubin's The Four Tendencies as part of this self-discovery process, but couldn't really figure anything out from it) but to be honest I am not sure how well I am faking it at any given time. In faking it, I also feel like I am putting additional, possibly needless pressure on myself.

I am very low on empathy, don't experience very strong feelings of attachment to people, and knowing that I am very different from most in this respect is what sent me searching.

I am a graphic designer, in an in-house marketing department, which more or less suits me, but I have realised that I am probably never going to feel passionate about my work, and changing jobs doesn't fix that. The difficulty with being in marketing but having no empathy and being a little apathetic is that I feel like an imposter sometimes; like nobody goes into these professions without feeling passion for them, right? And also, not really understanding others doesn't help when you are in marketing.

We discussed motivations once at work, and I realised I really don't know what motivates me, yet another self-discovery question to tease out.

Oh, and lastly, I have always been a major daydreamer.

I don't think any childhood experience led to me being this way, my parents are very loving. I have always been introverted, and paid little attention to others. I experienced some mild bullying in high school, but not caring about other people kind of protected me from it. Like I was kind of detached from it...

I am interested in foreign languages, music, history (in broad strokes), art, poetry, plant-based eating, yoga, reading about all sorts of things...
I am keen to read about others' experiences here.

Hi,

[…] I have realized that I don't care much about most people, even to the extent of not feeling sad when people I know die. To the point where I started to ask myself, whose deaths would I genuinely mourn?

sounds familiar to me. As well as what you said about friends and small-talk.

I have a strong feeling of the need to be polite and societal expectations, so I try to meet my obligations in that regard […] but to be honest I am not sure how well I am faking it at any given time.

I’m using politeness as a kind of mask as well and because I’m nearly almost always unsure about what others think, I as well can’t say, how good my fakes are. But, to be honest, it don’t nearly bother me as much, as it should. Low empathy in other words (not to be mistaken with having [some kind of] emotions myself) is a problem here as well. I had caring parents as well, but, beside of that, some other episodes as well, I can attribute my development to. There’s only one thing, alien to me: your many interests. I’m not depressed, like others might be, but there is not much joy either – if at all.

Welcome nevertheless, even though I'm a newbie here as well.
P.S. Don't become too surprised, if you find this forum to be one of the quieter ones.

Jake.24.No qualifications. Unemployed. I am a very dysfunctional schizoid antisocial with obvious social problems. I have never had a significant girlfriend nor make any attempt to have one. I dislike relationships but can appear well to people but mainly chose not to because I don't care. I cant guarantee i could post often because my life isnt stable. I drink a lot. I feel mellow nearly all the time but desire some kind of intensity that I often get from drugs. I sometimes get strong emotions but they end quickly.

Welcome to the forums!

22yo M from California.
Suspect i might have SZPD. Described as "Asperger Traits" by school psychologist 10 years ago, but another official suggested re evaluation.

In retrospect, I probably had "conduct disorder" as a kid.

A guy from Ukraine, 26 years old. In the middle of this year I was diagnosed with SPD, during this time I was able to learn more than I needed to know what it is. My life is not good right now, I try not to spend money and keep my income. Two years ago I quit my job to take care of my disabled grandmother. She has no one left . Tomorrow will be her second disability check. I am already silent about what is going on in my country right now. I hope it all goes away. I don't even want to write the rest.