Should We Change?

I'd like to change. I've been working on finding out how tonight.

Only recently did I discover I have a personality disorder. I'm 40 and I always just thought I was eccentric and unsocial. But as another long-term relationship is ending, I started to become more introspective.

From the time I knew I had to get out of this relationship, which is a co-habitation, I stopped talking to my family. Normally I would speak to my parents once per week, my sister maybe once per month. But I shut them all off. I did not want to discuss my break up. I could not. I don't know what to say and I don't have anything to express.

Same problem as to the woman I have been with. I don't know what to say. I want to leave. That's really it. I cannot take it anymore. For years she was good for me. We lived our own lives and she was not pressuring or inquisitive about my inner life. But that all started to change. She would hover over me when I was on the computer. I cannot explain why, but I am incredibly secretive. I don't like anyone knowing anything about what I am doing. I cannot share my inner life.

This is horribly unfair to her. I told her about the disorder after I discovered it and she started crying. I feel terrible. But I know that intimacy is just not something I can do. And for some reason I am resentful of having been revealed in some manner. I resent someone wanting to know about my feelings or even what I am doing.

So, yeah, I'd like to change. There is reward in relationships, otherwise everyone else wouldn't have them. I get bored a lot being in my own world. I work in Manhattan and on Fridays I get out early. I walk around aimlessly at those times. Not a friend in the world. Thousands of people pass me by, all with other people, all sharing things. I feel so utterly alone and alien. I feel like crying, but it just comes off as silent despair. Most people are excited to leave work early. They have plans and people to meet. I like being out of work, but I am indifferent to the free time itself.

I get defensive over the stupidest things. Someone asking what I did over the weekend is to me an invasion of my privacy. I know this is ridiculous and if I told people that I would be considered a loony. But I really don't want to tell you what I did. I probably didn't do anything anyway. What difference does it make? It's baffling and it shouldn't be. I'm screwed up, not them. I'm not happy, they are. It's just social interaction not interrogation, but the intellectual understanding succumbs to the walled-up self every single time.

I'm thinking of going to see a psychiatrist. I don't see what the harm can be and if there is anyway out of being an empty shell than I should give it a try.

Yes, I am comfortable being myself. I even like myself. But I do hate the isolation. I know there is a fulfilling world out there that I am missing because I have a problem.

Should we change? Only if we want to. I'm at the point where I want to.

Alex Reed wrote:Should we change? Only if we want to. I'm at the point where I want to.

Same here. I'm starting to envy people who are able to enjoy socializing and going out with friends. I just wish I had the energy and motivation to at least not get bored and/or tired after prolonged activity. Being able to enjoy a trip to a bar or something with a few really good friends sounds like smething desireable for me nowadays (and having really good friends in the first place ), and I'm somewhat trying to figure out ways to achieve that. I'm just a little sick of being an uber-loner, it's become boring and unfullfilling.

Exactly. If I had friends that were also SPDs, that might be ideal. We could just hang out at the bar and not speak if we didn't feel like it. When you are with other types you have to be "on". I think that is what causes the exhaustion. Socializing becomes work.

Unfortunately, most of the people I am around are histrionics or narcissists. The exact people we should probably avoid the most...lol.

Alex Reed wrote:Exactly. If I had friends that were also SPDs, that might be ideal.

I'm not too sure about that in my case. I actually want friends I can be somewhat intimate with. I want to share my inner world with someone. I had friends whom I could do that with once, but it didn't work out (for a lot of reasons, my typical schizoidism being one of them). Today I regret screwing up that opportunity, even though it was a kind of painful experience in a lot of ways.

Demigodz wrote:Change into what? This is all I have really known my whole life. I have thought about this a lot actually. Kind of like if I could hit a magic reset button, and become normal would I do it? I don't think I would mostly because I would hate to become like my classmates. Always stressing out about stupid things, always wasting my time trying to keep up with what is cool, and always caring about how other people think about me. They seem to be so dependent on each other it makes me sick. I do kind of envy normal people's ability to socialize. It would be nice to experience true happiness, or fall in love with someone. Overall i guess I can say I want to better myself, but not change myself.

This.

I tried this year and failed. I did however succeed in learning social skills and other lessons that have equipped me to deal with socialising when I need to.

I've decided I love being alone, I love not feeling anything (I started feeling empathy for a while and it was HORRIBLE), I enjoy being unreadable and I like not understanding people. In short I like having spd now, it's no different to before only I'm resolved with my ways now and no longer want to be a norm.
I change my mind a lot but for now I am very joyful in my solitude. I've decided to spend my time doing other things.

As I mentioned in another topic, i don't think anything in my life caused me to develop SPD so to speak except my general disliking of spending time around others. To my mind, if I found being "normal" so desirable, I wouldn't be the way I am to begin with.
As for hurting others, if people get upset that I don't reciprocate their feelings then that's their fault and their problem, not mine. Given the choice i wouldn't change.

Schizophrenia runs in the family, my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic in spades. I had an intrusive mother and an indifferent father. I'm a classic "sufferer" of SPD. I remember when SPD symptoms really bothered me. I have fought it for years. Hell I joined the NAVY and immersed myself in people. Immersed! I nearly went submariner before sanity took hold and I backed off.

The fear and anxiety I felt trying to deal with all those damned people nearly drove me crackers.

I was recently diagnosed with SPD and it feels great. Finally I understand why I act the way I do. I have been withdrawing from a lot of forced relationships since the diagnosis. God what a relief. Thinking about getting a solitary job! Realizing that I truly don't need to care what people think! And that is okay!

Forcing myself to interface with people has caused a panic disorder to develop. Accepting that I am what I am is helping it to recede.

Unlike some of my SPD brothers and sisters I can go out and interact with people behind the "mask" that I built through all that painful BS that I went through in the navy and that is useful. As long as I remain anonymous, especially if I give a fake name I can play with people from time to time and that is refreshing. I am utterly incapable of maintaining these relationships and I do not try. This behavior is manipulative and deceitful but it feeds me somehow, I don't experience guilt in any strength so it seems healthy for me.

Rambling a bit, natural byproduct of my diagnosis perhaps.

In answer to you question "Should we change?". I personally don't think you can. Embrace your strengths where you find them and bypass your weaknesses.