Possible Misdiagnosis? and possible erotomania?

This will be a long read so I apologize in advance but I really need other people's opinions.

In 2016 I graduated high school a semester early, got into a competitive practical nursing program and started working full-time at a hotel as a front desk clerk. I seemed to have a lot going for me but I was self injuring every day, having nightmares (about work and about my abusive mother/childhood) every night, having multiple panic attacks daily, was too stressed to eat at work (which got to the point where one of my managers started buying me dinner almost every night that he worked with me because he noticed I wouldn't eat), my coworkers were concerned about me, my anxiety was through the roof, I would steal my dad and stepmom's alcohol almost every night and come into work hungover or still half drunk (I even had to leave work within an hour of being there one morning because I felt so sick I was sure I would vomit behind the desk), and I was constantly in fear of losing my job. I wanted to quit but my dad installed surveillance cameras in all the hotels owned by the owner of the one I worked at and I wanted to keep up a good family reputation (which of course only added pressure). I also was taken advantage of (ie. when I was supposed to work a 6 or 8 hour shift I would end up working a 12 or 14 hour shift because coworkers would call in often and my managers would ask me to stay "only an hour later" then keep asking and I had trouble saying no). This continued for 4 months until I couldn't take it anymore then had a mental breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric unit of a hospital for 5 months. My dad and stepmom said they didn't want me living with them anymore if I wasn't working or going to school and when I was in the hospital it occurred to me that I didn't want to be a nurse and wasn't really going to school for myself but rather because my parents wanted me to go to school and because society told me I should. So I backed out of school. While I was in the hospital I was moved from a crisis unit to a longer term unit then worker with a social worker whom helped find me a place to live. In 2017 I moved into a grouphome for adults with mental illness. I applied for disability and later got accepted and have been on it since. But before that I got myself kicked out of the grouphome because I had my first full-blown psychotic episode. I believe it was probably due to so many major life changes happening so quickly. I went from being in school then losing my grandmother (she died when I was in my last year of highschool), to working almost 60 hours a week, to being in the hospital for 5 months, to getting kicked out of my parents house at 17 years old then being at risk of homelessness. Also while I was in the hospital I fell in love with another patient there, a 25 year old man I'll call M. I thought M felt the same way back. He felt like my saving grace at the time. He was the light in all that darkness. My family even invited him over for dinners when the hospital let me have day passes and they loved him. Him and I were like best friends over night and the first time we actually had a conversation was when I was about to jump in front of a car (we were both in the long-term unit by that time and that unit allowed patients to go outside for 20 minutes at a time unsupervised for smoke breaks and there was an intersection by the smoking area because the hospital was on a busy street) so in a weird way it felt like he saved my life. But the last time I saw him he rejected me (I had asked if he would ever date me and he said he probably never would because I was "too immature, too unstable, too codependent and too young", which hurt me deeply at the time but I can understand it now). Anyways so before I got myself kicked out I was still obsessed with him despite him rejecting me. I have always been this way when I've loved someone unfortunately. So I was still holding onto the idea of being with him despite his somewhat harsh rejection and it felt like the only thing keeping me alive at that point really. I think I wouldn't be alive right now if it weren't for meeting him (even though the most serious suicide attempt I've ever had happened after I realized he would never come back honestly).

When I lived at that grouphome I decided to go off of all of my psychiatric medications and was convinced I didn't need them anymore. Trying to remember everything from that episode is a little difficult now because it's a bit of a blur but I do know that I talked faster than normal, believed I was "finally happy", the staff members at the grouphome were concerned and kept asking if I was bipolar, I was speaking faster than usual, I was having flight of ideas as a symptom and delusions of grandeur, I believed a lot of very strange things (ie. that I was the ruler of the moon but that it was actually a different planet than people on this planet thought it was and that all the citizens on my planet could hear my thoughts and that the sun would crash into the earth which would kill everybody but that my alien soul would go back to that planet where it belonged so I could go be queen/ruler again, I also believed I was an alien and a god and was pregnant with an alien baby.. I usually don't tell people because it causes a ton of shame and embarrassment), I think I was sleeping a lot less or didn't feel like sleeping and I ended up getting arrested because I set my clothes on fire in celebration of the world ending and my new life/"destiny" beginning. I ended up getting a mental health diversion so my charges were dropped and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar but I'm not sure if it is a misdiagnosis or not because I never had hallucinations, only delusions. I'm also not sure I've had a manic episode since. I've had manic symptoms since but not like that I believe. I do still struggle with delusions, racing thoughts, rapid/pressured speech,irritability and delusions of reference though.

The whole point of me making this (very long - lol sorry) post is because I'm not sure if that diagnosis is correct and my family and friends believe I have erotomania. Since I was 11 I have been obsessed with the lead singer of a pop punk band that has been gaining more popularity over the years but they aren't what I'd call "famous like Kim Kardashian" y'know? Anyways, since I was a child I believed I was meant to be with this man. I will call him J. I still believe that. In 2018 I met him on May 11th. 9 days later he posted a lyric online about wanting to be able to love someone that was head over heels in love with him but not being able to. He was working on a new album at the time. The night that I met him I wanted to stay with him and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I remember that day other fans speculated that he was still dating his, now wife but at the time, ex but my intuition told me he was single and the album he put out later proved my instinct correct. I have had delusions about this same celebrity in the past but I am 99.9% sure that one of the songs he wrote is about me and I still think him and I are meant to be together even though he's married and I have no idea how to move on from him. I also believe he can hear my thoughts and that that song proves it and that it truly is possible and that it's just one of those things where people don't know it's a possible thing yet. But there's a part of me that is scared I'm delusional again. I don't want to be but I don't know what's real and what's not anymore and what makes me want to seek help is that my obsession with him has really started to take over my life. He's all I think about. I've attempted suicide over him several times already. I relapsed into drugs because of the heartbreak of seeing him get married. I feel unsafe in my own body. And I want to go back to work and school again and get my life back on track but I went through 2 incredibly painful heartbreaks within a matter of a few years and other things I haven't even mentioned here such as sexual assault from a drug dealer, being addicted to then getting sober from drugs (for the record I had my psychotic symptoms before I touched any drugs with the exception of marijuana), having a very close friend die and quitting self harming and my eating disorder habits despite all of this. I kind of just went on a tangent by accident (I do also have ADHD) but really what I'm trying to say is I don't know what to do, Very few psychiatric professionals around here even know what erotomania is and I'm already on antipsychotics and it doesn't take these thoughts or the obsession away and I feel unsafe in my own body. Any help would be appreciated, hope this made sense

In general, people with delusions (and with psychotic illnesses in general) don't have the kind of insight that you're describing. People with erotomania are 100% convinced that their delusion is true (which is why it's considered a delusion). The fact that you have a part who knows that another part of you is delusional is more indicative of dissociation. So is the fact that you have a very high-achieving aspect who could graduate high school early and initially manage a competitive nursing program.

I'm just mentioning it because dissociative disorders mimic many other disorders and are often overlooked. It does sound like you had a psychotic break at one point, but severe stress can do that to someone with a dissociative disorder without it having to mean that there is a psychotic illness present. You may not have ADHD either, since dissociation can mimic that as well, and it's a common misdiagnosis.

The fact that the antipsychotics aren't touching those symptoms is another point in favor of that hypothesis.

It's likely that the professionals around you know even less about how dissociative disorders can present than they do about erotomania, so I guess I'd recommend trying to find a therapist who does know about them and describe your history so far to them (including the summary in this post). I could be completely wrong of course (being a random person on the internet ), but I doubt this idea has even been considered and it's worth looking at. Especially since, although you didn't go into early trauma, it can be inferred from your descriptions of your family that there was a lot of trauma and abuse (again I could be wrong, but those aren't kind, loving responses that you're describing). I wish you the best as you try to sort this out.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:In general, people with delusions (and with psychotic illnesses in general) don't have the kind of insight that you're describing. People with erotomania are 100% convinced that their delusion is true (which is why it's considered a delusion). The fact that you have a part who knows that another part of you is delusional is more indicative of dissociation. So is the fact that you have a very high-achieving aspect who could graduate high school early and initially manage a competitive nursing program.

I'm just mentioning it because dissociative disorders mimic many other disorders and are often overlooked. It does sound like you had a psychotic break at one point, but severe stress can do that to someone with a dissociative disorder without it having to mean that there is a psychotic illness present. You may not have ADHD either, since dissociation can mimic that as well, and it's a common misdiagnosis.

The fact that the antipsychotics aren't touching those symptoms is another point in favor of that hypothesis.

It's likely that the professionals around you know even less about how dissociative disorders can present than they do about erotomania, so I guess I'd recommend trying to find a therapist who does know about them and describe your history so far to them (including the summary in this post). I could be completely wrong of course (being a random person on the internet ), but I doubt this idea has even been considered and it's worth looking at. Especially since, although you didn't go into early trauma, it can be inferred from your descriptions of your family that there was a lot of trauma and abuse (again I could be wrong, but those aren't kind, loving responses that you're describing). I wish you the best as you try to sort this out.

My bad, text is such a pain for conveying what people actually mean. I graduated high school early because I only needed 4 credits for the nursing program I was applying for. It was a college program. I fast tracked by doing one of my classes in the summer before grade 12 and I was able to graduate a semester early because of that. Also I didn't end up attending college. I started working as a front desk clerk at a hotel after I was done high school then before I was supposed to start college I had a mental break down from stress and ended up in the hospital then backed out of school before it started. And as for having insight there were a lot of times in the past where I really did have delusions about him and didn't have insight about it until later on, hence having insight now. For example, after J got back together with his wife (at the time girlfriend - they weren't married yet) when he would refer to her as his girlfriend in interviews and livestreams I was convinced he was talking about me and would argue with people about it when they would tell me he wasn't talking about me and this continued for months. I'm really not sure I'd call what I have erotomania since I've given up the idea that he loves me but I'm still convinced that we're meant to be together, that his lyrics prove it and that he married the wrong girl. I know my obsession with him has turned unhealthy. But as an update I've since spoken to my therapist and asked her to have our discussions in therapy surrounding this topic so hopefully I'll get some help with this, Thank you for your reply and I hope you and your system are doing well