Does it get better from here?

Hello,
I have been diagnosed w at least 6 different psych disorders. I'm pushing 30, been hospitalized since I was 13, and have never been 100% honest just how batshit crazy I am with psych or therapist, or stuck to all but one long enough to get help. Due to severe delusional thinking and paranoia. Since I got middle school I have felt like everyone can see what I'm thinking, and is judging me. Although I can usually talk myself into how bonkers I'm being, it still happens. Every single symptom of schitzoaffective disorder fits me. I have been using drugs to self medicate, as well as several suicide attempts. I'm past suicide at this point I feel, but I do have complete hopeless feelings. I haven't gotten effective treatment or even a diagnosis because I just can't let someone in my head, the delusions are so intense. Before diagnosed with mental disorders in general doctors tested everything possible for years to do with my stomach pains caused by the anxiety. I guess what I'm trying to ask is how the hell can I actually be honest to a doctor or therapist 100% if I feel the whole world wants me dead and hates me and judges me? Without a diagnosis and treatment for the disorder I really do have, I will forever be in a loop of magic and depressive insanity, followed by periods of great improvement, all to end up at a worse place again and again. How can you get help when this is happening constantly to me? Please share with me how to take the first​ step intrust.

Im sorry to hear of your struggles, and i can definitely relate to the feelings of despair and pain that come from lack of proper treatment. Something i found helpful personally was writing down on a computer document all the symptoms, psychotic thoughts/behaviours that i could identify in me, and my problems with mood, and printing it out and just giving it to my psychiatrist. It can be very hard opening up to a health professional you dont even know that well, and this can make it easier. It also means you can eloquently describe the issue in writing, rather than inaccurately describe something in the heat of the moment. I have found you need to be assertive with mental health professionals to get accurate treatment - describe the specific thoughts that are causing you distress, and try to stay strong and optimistic until you find the right drug combination/type of therapy that helps. Hope this helps!

Thank you very much. That helps a lot, if I write down I can be ask or to edit after thinking about it, and not worry about saying something dumb in the moment and worry about it after speaking. I've never been able to reach out and even post anything on a message board either, so I feel it did be slot easier telling to a health Care provider in person. My primary care pointed out to me that I skipped seeing doctors for a decade and I see him now, so I have desire for change, I just need to take a leap of faith and say something to a mental health professional instead of my regular doctor. Thank you!

You started this thread. Print it out and take it to a doctor visit.