feeling like my dilllusions are real

Hey everyone, I had my first full blown psychotic break about 3 months ago. It was by far the most freighting experience of my life, but also the most insightful and meaningful thing to have ever of happened to me.

I know now that a lot of what I was experiencing was not real, or at least I know that most people don't see it as being real. But for me my psychotic break was one of the most exhilarating experiences ever, I felt like I was some kind of god or something in complete control of everything and everyone around me. I didn't know what was going on at first and I actually thought I was dying or the world was ending but once I overcame the fear, weird things and powers seemed to manifest within me. I could make electronics turn on or off with my mind send messages to phones with out ever picking mine up and could manipulate peoples behavior. I felt so in control but so out of control at the same time.

There's a lot of things that I had said to my girlfriend and while in this state that really messed with her because she swears there isn't anyway I could have known such things. I said things that were shared between her and her cousin who recently passed away.

When I was admitted to the ICU and then eventually the psych ward, all the electronics were going haywire. I was able to stop my heart beat on demand and scramble the bloodpressure machine. I was also able to make the vein they stuck my catheter in, stop pumping blood and then the medical staff would look puzzled and poke me with another.

There were a select few staff and police officers there who also knew what was regally going on they were sending messages to me telepathically, telling me to just go along with the "program" and everything will be alright, they were on my side almost like they knew exactly what was going on in my head. I remember how I was able to spot these people out because they had what looked like silver eyes, what might seem to some as demonic but really they were the only ones trying to help me.

They pumped me so full of drugs to try and sedate me with out any effect, the drugs only worked once I took the nurses advice and allow them to sedate me.

Either I'm crazy as a loon or I came to the ultimate reality that nothing is real and anything can be manipulated by the one observing their reality, giving me the ability to mess around with mine...which is exactly what I did.

I just can't shake the dejavu and the weird coincidences that still shake me up and kind of remind me that I'm still in control just need to learn how to use it...

Psychosis is weird like that. I've had delusions before, but after I recognized what it was, it became easy to deal with at the time. Because of my medication, most of the time I can recognize when I hallucinate or get paranoid. It's when you fall into the rabbit hole that things get bad. I think you're lucky that the cops caught your condition. I went to the hospital in July of last year and the cop who showed up thought I was drunk because I had beer bottles sitting on my counter. Little did they know (and did not believe me) that it was a collection of bottles that I had gathered over the years and had not yet put up (just moved in). I've heard of epilepsy patients (who ride bicycles to get around) getting charged with DUI when they had a seizure and crashed into a tree. It's just nuts what can happen.

Hopefully you've talked this over with your psychiatrist to get your meds adjusted.