Making a decision that will change my life... please help.

Hello. I am someone who suffers from the symptoms of schizophrenia as well as bipolar. I extremely strongly believe I am schizoaffective, but I digress. I am about to make a critical decision that will change my life in a positive or negative way, this is essentially do or die for me and I don't believe there will be going back either way. (Please bear with me as this will be a very long post.)

Before I explain what this decision is, I would first like to explain my life a little bit to try and express what my life has been like and what significant impact it will have on me. I could give my life story, but it would be a waste of time (and likely inaccurate, lately my memory has all but deteriorated). I will simply skip to the point.

I have spent my entire life since I began having the symptoms of this condition (I am almost entirely certain) doing poorly in my own life and slowly failing. My life is essentially falling apart piece by piece. I have no friends, I am socially withdrawn, I've lived alone for the past year, I have no goals and my life feels completely meaningless.

I have voices in my mind telling me to kill myself or trying to decieve me into letting them control me (please don't even ask...), as well as 'delusions' that I continue to be unsure of, and unexplainable paranoia and anxiety. I am often depressed and can have tremendous mood swings (but not uncontrollably so, I won't get enraged at someone, but I get frustrated or depressed very easily).

Despite this, I am a very intelligent person (or so I have been told by many people throughout my life). I see things other people do not. I put things together other people don't connect. I realize things other people would not imagine. But due to my symptoms, this intelligence is utterly wasted and may as well be that I had none at all.

I have had ADHD symptoms all my life, and my ability to focus is terrible. I thought this was the reason I was failing, but something strange happened when I began taking 'vyvanse', a psychostimulant, about half a year ago. To put it lightly, the effect it has had on me was extremely unexpected.

Suddenly, this 'miracle pill' gave me incredible inspiration, moments of utter brilliance, realizing things I had never even considered, and coming up with theories about life itself in so many ways. It gave me tremendous self-confidence where I previously had none whatsoever. It made me want to be productive when before nothing could rise me out of my stupor. I could juggle classes and complete tremendous amounts of work. For the first time in years, I was beginning to succeed in college on a grand scale.

And on top of this, I began to realize that my life could have a purpose. I could finally channel my intelligence where I wanted it to be, or let it run wild racing with thoughts I cannot contain, moment after moment new ideas with a constant flow of sparks of inspiration.

Suffice to say, I realize now that this state of mind vyvanse was able to help induce within myself is 'mania'. These thoughts are not always correct (and are frequently incorrect, as theories without factual, studied bases will be), but they are always inspirational, creative, and brilliant in nature. It gives me strength I would not otherwise have.

Today I have been given a prescription for a drug called abilify. I am sure a lot of you (if not all of you) are familiar with this drug to some extent. It will supposedly stabilize my mood and serve as an anti-psychotic as well. It will help me with my positive symptoms, such as my voices, my delusions, and most notably my newfound mania. It will leave me with my negative symptoms and likely spike them as well, making me severely depressed and unable to accomplish anything, leaving me drowsy and in a stupor, if I am understanding this correctly.

All I have is my mother, and my greatest fear right now is being a burden to her. She has suffered so much over the past year taking care of my grandmother, who has been dying from leukemia and is constantly depressed. My mother has been working without end (literally 24/7), with her constantly dragging her down and making her feel awful.

Revealing what I have to her would be terrible and drag her down even more, and my even greater fear is that I will become a burden to her after my grandmother finally passes away. She deserves better than having to deal with me, but she is so kind and selfless, she would have it no other way.

My life is already tangled up in such a way that I do not believe anything can make my life 'normal', let alone let me feel comfortable and content with such an existence. I am extremely socially withdrawn, with no friends or any hope of ever finding any in this state of mind, and my only significant progress in life has been thanks to the manic episodes I've referred to.

Therein lies the decision I must now make.

With vyvanse (or coffee, failing that), I can enhance my positive symptoms and defeat my negative symptoms, giving myself the chance of brilliance and the risk of nightmares. The goal would be to intentionally induce mania and learn to manage and control/guide it.

With abilify, I will (hopefully?) reduce my positive symptoms, and enhance my negative symptoms. I risk depression and a meaningless existence (if such a thing is even avoidable...) and being a burden on my poor mother and continuing to never accomplish anything, with the chance of... something better? I just don't see it... (Also, if I go down this path, telling my family will be inevitable. The stigma scares me almost as much as the burden it would add to my mother.)

The third option, of course, is to just give up on all of this and be trapped in a state between life and death forever until I am finally free of this cruel existence. I don't want to go down this path, as nowhere it leads will contain a happy ending. However, if either of the above fail (perhaps they both will...), it would likely default to this anyways. (Please note that I have no intention of suicide, the pain it would cause my mother would be taking the pain I feel and amplifying it tremendously to her, I can't and won't do that. I am also very afraid of death itself... which leaves me trapped.)

I can see no other possible scenarios, besides miracles that magically make everything wonderful and perfect, but I am afraid that my imagination is quite lacking these days, and I want to stick to real possibilities, or at least as real as I can hope to achieve.

I am at my wit's end. Please help me, if you can provide any advice or insight... I severely need help and I have no one else to turn to but here.

How about not living with your mother? is that an option?
Or how about trying one drug, then trying another, then trying something else?

I've read and had great luck with lamitrogine..

and my friend has had good luck with lamitrogine coupled with clozapine.

there is never only a few options, there is every option ever. all at the same time.

what I would do would be to take care of yourself before others. because how can you take care of others if you do not first take care of yourself?

Your life is not your mothers' no matter how much she's done for you. You need to take care of yourself and leave her to her own issues. You cannot baby her forever. You need to move on and have your own life. She is not your responsibility.

could it possibly be that your mother could be the reason you do not have any friends?
I'm putting this out there as your description was kinda vague but..
if you're putting more into a friendship with your mother and more into her care and her emotions, could it be that you're not using that energy to interact with other people who wont be emotionally draining?

If your mother does not accept you for who you are, she is no mother to you. I'm saying that flat and simple. You need to tell her before you break, and if she doesnt take it well, I'm concerned that she's just using you and has no true feelings towards your own health.

zrcalo wrote:How about not living with your mother? is that an option?
Or how about trying one drug, then trying another, then trying something else?

I've read and had great luck with lamitrogine..

and my friend has had good luck with lamitrogine coupled with clozapine.

there is never only a few options, there is every option ever. all at the same time.

what I would do would be to take care of yourself before others. because how can you take care of others if you do not first take care of yourself?

Your life is not your mothers' no matter how much she's done for you. You need to take care of yourself and leave her to her own issues. You cannot baby her forever. You need to move on and have your own life. She is not your responsibility.

could it possibly be that your mother could be the reason you do not have any friends?
I'm putting this out there as your description was kinda vague but..
if you're putting more into a friendship with your mother and more into her care and her emotions, could it be that you're not using that energy to interact with other people who wont be emotionally draining?

If your mother does not accept you for who you are, she is no mother to you. I'm saying that flat and simple. You need to tell her before you break, and if she doesnt take it well, I'm concerned that she's just using you and has no true feelings towards your own health.

I fear that I am not painting my mother in the correct light.

She is kindhearted, and obsessively overprotective, but she is not babying me in the sense that she controls or dominates my life, nor am I babying her by putting up with whatever.

The reason I have no friends is my own, and my own alone. I have extreme social phobia, and I've never gotten along with society, nor do I have any respect for it. Besides being extremely socially withdrawn, there is no one I like or have any respect for. Everyone has a cruel, selfish nature, unless they are forced into being humble because of vulnerability for one reason or another.

I am never treated with respect, let alone kindness. People want nothing to do with me nor should they ever. Even if I did meet someone, my personality is such that they wouldn't want to get to know me. I don't blame my condition for this, but I have no doubt it plays a part.

My entire life I have been obsessed with virtue and kindness, and being a good person. The things I enjoy are generally softer natured and unusual compared to what 'normal' people would enjoy. I literally have nothing in common with anyone else. For instance, I have virtually no interest whatsoever in sports or first person shooter video games. While I know mere interests are not what makes up a friendly relationship, the point I am getting at is that I am at polar opposites with virtually anyone I've ever met.

On top of it all, again, I have extreme social phobia. I am not even remotely outgoing. If there is anyone like me out there, I'd have to wade through a great deal of pain and awkward feeling to even have the smallest chance, and what exactly would I do? How could I hope to find anyone?

Basically, the reason I have no friends is because any relationship I could hope to have is entirely abrasive. I want nothing to do with the majority of people, and the majority of people want nothing to do with me. Of those few that might or might not exist, we are both rare and unlikely to ever meet.

The only real friend I have joined the marines, and has a family -- a wife and son. I see him roughly once a year if I am lucky, and he is extremely popular now, so I would be competing for his attention with so many other people. We are best friends, and I was his friend before he became popular, so I fear this friendship is only out of what is essentially pity or honor, as he has changed so much and I have changed as well so there is nothing in common except our shared friendship, and I never see him hardly ever.

Anyone else I have ever known has moved on, either because neither of us kept ties (often times wasn't viable, other times just happened) or because they abandoned me once they improved their own lives and no longer needed a loser such as myself. I've dealt with this again and again.

Trust me, this isn't something that is my mother's fault. My mother, on the other hand, is kind to me despite this and has helped me by being there for me when no one else is. The concept of abandoning her because of a misguided fear she is holding me back would not improve my life, it would alienate me from one of the only good things I have left in my life.

And I haven't even touched romantic interest. I'd never admit it otherwise, but I am very uncomfortable around women for the most part. And I've never met or heard of any women that like soft-natured or kind-hearted (and certainly not timid) men, they want strong partners, and I am anything but.

Frankly, I don't really have a place in this world at all, but I stick around because of my family and my fear of death.

---

All this said, I get what you are saying that 'there are always more options', but I am either going down one path or the other. If abilify doesn't work, I'd try something else and something else, they would all have the same general effect and would all kill my positive symptoms and enhance my negative symptoms, would they not? How do I become a person that can accomplish something worthwhile? How do I become a person people can like without betraying everything I am, and leaving myself to be constantly taken advantage of? These feel like impossible situations with no possible correct answer.

Being able to have manic episodes has turned out to be the only chance of any kind of good in my life, but even that is a very slim chance. I'm ready to just give up on life and sit at home alone and do nothing until I die, and day by day that seems like the only thing that's going to come of my life.

I hope I've clarified things a little, but I fear I've probably only made things more confusing. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and offer advice, you are a very good person to care about someone like me.

I've also a mother who is over protective, kind hearted and controlling. I've the feeling this type is more common in ppl with SSD. My half-brother's mom was the same (we share the same dad). My half-brother had paranoid schizophrenia. I also read that ppl who turn out to be SSD, grow up more often in environments who is sending out mixed messages.
But I also think you should make yourself more independent. This was and still is also difficult for me. Even though my mom helped me a lot and I liked talking to her it was the right choice. I couldn't trust the signals she was sending out, because very often they were in fact mixed messages and this made me more insecure and moody. Even though she is a nice person after all and her intentions were good.

Also being able to live so independently as possible is important for the self confidence. Medication is very important in SSD, but I suggest therapy or at least some kind of support group is also important. Maybe you could find some sort of activity or group where you are able to get in touch with other ppl?
Also my problem is to stay active. I mean some sport or something. I don't move enough. That's also important, especially when you've a low level of energy or sleep issues.

Sorry that I can't help you more, but I will support you so far I can.

Jasper wrote:I've also a mother who is over protective, kind hearted and controlling. I've the feeling this type is more common in ppl with SSD. My half-brother's mom was the same (we share the same dad). My half-brother had paranoid schizophrenia. I also read that ppl who turn out to be SSD, grow up more often in environments who is sending out mixed messages.
But I also think you should make yourself more independent. This was and still is also difficult for me. Even though my mom helped me a lot and I liked talking to her it was the right choice. I couldn't trust the signals she was sending out, because very often they were in fact mixed messages and this made me more insecure and moody. Even though she is a nice person after all and her intentions were good.

Also being able to live so independently as possible is important for the self confidence. Medication is very important in SSD, but I suggest therapy or at least some kind of support group is also important. Maybe you could find some sort of activity or group where you are able to get in touch with other ppl?
Also my problem is to stay active. I mean some sport or something. I don't move enough. That's also important, especially when you've a low level of energy or sleep issues.

Sorry that I can't help you more, but I will support you so far I can.

This is very accurate for me, but maybe not for the same reasons. I was bullied a lot and obsessed with 'being the better person' and on silly notions such as integrity or honor (neither has helped me my entire life, except to alienate me further).

I don't know how to be independent, though I am currently living alone (off of my family's money). I am confused about medication if this thread did not emphasize it enough (and the fact that abilify costs $800 per month is a bit concerning as well).

I don't know what the difference between therapy and seeing a psychologist is, if there is a difference please let me know. If there isn't, I am not getting much if anything out of my current one and may need to switch... I don't know if it would be better elsewhere, though. Are there psychologists/therapists that specialize in these kinds of disorders?

I don't know of any support groups, and I've had bad experience with them in the past (showing up as the only person there, etc), but if you think it will work I will give it a try. If they worked out, it would help a lot. Though I'd like to do more than just talk.

Staying active is good advice and it's certainly something I'm doing poorly at.

Thank you very much for your advice and support!

I don't know what you do with your psychologist.
I mean I've a psychiatrist I go all 6 to 8 weeks or something like that. I'm just there for 20 minutes and he is there to subscribe me meds. To my therapist (if he is not in vacation), I go once a week or once in two weeks. That depends. My insurance paid a certain amount of therapy sessions and if they are over, they are over and they just do that every two years, if I'm informed correctly, but I'm not sure. But this depends on the country you live in, your insurance and your dx.

I was once in a support group, but they were for autistic ppl, because I was dx it back than. It was very informative. But it didn't fit 100%. I guess I've had certain developmental issues and still have routines,but my main problems clearly are different once. But I'm also not interested in support groups for ppl dx with schizophrenia, because first of all their schizophrenic symptoms are more severe and second of all in schizoaffective you also have many mood issues. I also dunno if there are special support groups in my area for ppl with schizoaffective, probably not.

I also was bullied. It was when I was a child, because I was introverted, a daydreamer and different from early on.

Jasper wrote:I don't know what you do with your psychologist.
I mean I've a psychiatrist I go all 6 to 8 weeks or something like that. I'm just there for 20 minutes and he is there to subscribe me meds. To my therapist (if he is not in vacation), I go once a week or once in two weeks. That depends. My insurance paid a certain amount of therapy sessions and if they are over, they are over and they just do that every two years, if I'm informed correctly, but I'm not sure. But this depends on the country you live in, your insurance and your dx.

I was once in a support group, but they were for autistic ppl, because I was dx it back than. It was very informative. But it didn't fit 100%. I guess I've had certain developmental issues and still have routines,but my main problems clearly are different once. But I'm also not interested in support groups for ppl dx with schizophrenia, because first of all their schizophrenic symptoms are more severe and second of all in schizoaffective you also have many mood issues. I also dunno if there are special support groups in my area for ppl with schizoaffective, probably not.

I also was bullied. It was when I was a child, because I was introverted, a daydreamer and different from early on.

My experience with my psychiatrist is about the same, he's just there to prescribe medication. My psychologist is whom I go to to 'educate me' on how to manage myself better. The thing is that I originally went there for ADHD symptoms, and I am unsure how much he knows about Schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. (He has not suggested anyone else.)

Nearly every single bit of progress I've made, I've made by bringing something up myself. Example: "Would medication help?" "Would stimulants help instead of strattera?" "Should I seek out support groups?" etc.

More than half of the time I spend there, we end up talking about random things, often times completely unrelated to me or my conditions at all (he loves to talk about his family and his other patients). I've never really felt he understands me or even truly cares about me and wants to help, but I know that a professional has to avoid showing emotion so as to not push us either way.

In the time I was there he obsessed over certain strategies that were not working for me, and did not seem to be very open minded to other things, except gently pushing that I needed to do these things and help myself, etc. He doesn't seem like a bad person, and the fact he is so friendly and it's nice to have someone to talk to as a 'friend' (even though he is not) is nice.

I visit him every week currently since I found I have this condition, hoping to learn something about myself, but nothing has occurred yet. I am paying $250 per 1 hour visit, and insurance does not pay for this.

Is this what a therapist is? Or are they something else? And are they all like this? I just don't know...

You're probably right about support groups, especially regarding schizoaffective, supposedly we are as common as schizophrenia -- 1% roughly for both -- but who knows for sure. I originally tried finding support groups for ADHD, both times I attempted to go, I was literally the only person there with ADHD, the first had parents looking for advice for their children, the second literally only had me and the people leading the group. Frankly, it was a waste of time... I didn't attempt a third time.

Anyways, this is my experience. I'm going to try and look into support groups, maybe I'll get lucky. I do live near a big city (Houston), so there's a pretty good chance I can find a group or two.

I should also probably emphasize, at my current state in life, I am completely separated from society, for better or worse. I have no idea how to meet people, make friends, etc, and I am extremely uncomfortable doing so. Likewise, no one would be interested in me, and frankly I don't really trust anyone -- and for good reason, as my experience so far has been that on one gives a **** about me, and I'm tired of being abandoned when they get bored of me or meet more interesting people.

And that is just scratching the surface, I haven't done well in college, I've never had any luck finding even a temporary job, and all of this is despite the fact that I am in fact an intelligent person, I just can't control myself. I have the symptoms of disorganized schizophrenia on the schizo side of things, and I don't really have a daily routine... ever. The only times I can get myself to do anything are through sheer force of will and when I am under a manic episode (generally induced by stimulants).

While I haven't had any traumatizing events in my life, and while I live relatively comfortably, my life is still going down the drain and I have no real hope of getting out of this. No one wants to help me, any time I bring it up with anyone -- on the rare cases I do -- no one has any advice that is even remotely useful. I just don't know what to do...

As time goes on, the negative symptoms are getting worse, and I am not even sure what the positive symptoms are doing, but they aren't getting better.

Thank you for taking the time to listen and offer advice and your own experiences, I find this very helpful and useful. It's nice to have someone to talk to about these kinds of things, even if it's just communicating over the internet.

Sounds like your main negative symptom that you're complaining about is the lack of motivation. Some anidepressants can help that. I'm on Buproprion and it helps my motivation, doesn't make me manic. I've been manic for a short amount of time in my life but that was due to illegal drugs, I'm diagnosed sz not sza. I wouldn't take a SSRI if I was you, I was on one for 9 months and 1,5 years later I'm still recovering from that, didn't really help my motivation either. Bupropion should help your motivation if you decide to go on it. I'm on the lowest dose of XL and it really helps, wish I could take more but it's causing tinnitus for me and it would probably get worse. I've read it can rarely cause mania and psychosis but it didn't even the slightest for me. I know a lot of bipolar people take it.