a long line of incest

[myflash=][/myflash] I don't no where to start but I'm going start from the beginning I grew up in a broken home my parents where always quarreling and fighting I've watch my mom got beaten up by my dad and sometimes my dad by my mom. my mom was mentally ill. But we didn't know then me and my siblings were small we couldn't comprehend what was going on at that time we thought our dad was bad for behaving the way he did . He too may have not even know my mom was increasingly getting mentally ill she would laugh out loud for no reason at all and would also start talking about something irrelevant to her self, at times she lash out on us we were very much traumatized by the way she was behaving . When I was about 6 my mother started to touch my penis on regular basis , sometimes I would try to push away her hands but she would still do it. Just little later down that same time my older cousin would tell me to put my penis in her vagina and would tell me that what were doing was something special I would do it but I couldn't get hard cause I was so young I was really tormented By what had happened with me and my cousin it was only when i was eight that I realized that it was attempted sex and when i was about 16 I realized also that she might have been abused cause I remember her haymen was broken when I was 10 our family hit rock bottom we were in poverty me and my two sisters were sleeping in the same room and same bed ever since we were born, there were times where my sister who was a year younger than me would change her clothes off and on in the room with me in it I would feel uncomfortable with it, when I told my parents, all they said was that she was my sister, my smaller sister would do it too but she was four years younger . My mother was still touching my penis at every chance she could like when I was going for a bath or like when I was putting on my clothe then one day when I was year older (11) I saw my sisters tickling one another they were in the same room with me and and they were touching each others buttock. And I got excited and wanted to do it too so I joined in tickled the older one and then touch her buttuck my curiosity was getting wilder. So I touch her vagina after realising this told my smaller sister that I touch her vagina and I just laughed and denied it later around that same time I remembered me and my sister were touching each other up in bed under the bed sheets I was touching her vagina she was touching my penis and I was touching her vagina with curiosity when my younger sister ask what we were doing I would tell her we were just wrestling we weren't alloWed to go out and play with other children because of our mothers mental illness this only left me to play with my sisters but this ended up becoming a habit when I became 12 my hormones went sky high and every chance I got I would touch my sister this would happen mostly when school was closed for the school breaks my dad would be out working , my mom would be sleeping or laughing and talking to her self she would sometimes be at a normal state where we could tell her something she would still on occasion try to touch me. Later on I started feeling depressed about what I've been doing and started to feel that it was wrong but couldn't stop when my sisters and I was in bed I would try to touch her but she would tell me that she would tell my dad if I don't stop so I stopped because I feared my dad .at. 13 I started to really feel bad about what I had done . I started going to church to repent of my sins, at age 16 give my life to christ and truly repented of everything that I had done I feel healed from my past but I don't know what else to do my sister would sometimes lash out on me for know reason I don't know if she is still hurt she too is saved. But she might still be hurting from the past

personally i think this kind of thing is not that uncommon, it's just that most people don't talk about it. have you looked online for an incest/abuse support group in your area? something to consider if you think you might be ready to talk about this in person. best of luck.

What would we do without Jesus.

If only it was that easy, she gets depressed and angry whenever I would come around there were two times that I groped her not violently but playfully during the time of the abuse but she might have not saw it that way it is only now that I have began to link my past abuses with how I was as a child always withdrawn ,very quiet ,depressed ,had a hard time expressing feelings like anger or even affection whenever someone did something hurtful to me I would just giggle and thought that they didn't mean it, I never took anyone serious this caused me to be bullied a lot earlier in life .my sister thinks I have no problems and act like if I am perfect I only behave that way when I am home I did everything in secret when I had a girlfriend know one knew when I had sexual relations with girls know won knew and its weird that I only feel violated by my cousin and not my mom maybe its because she is half crazy and did it jokingly ,but its weird whenever my dad takes her to the doctor ,they would say nothings wrong with her. I want to talk to my sister about everything but its hard to find the right time and place now that everyone is busy moving forward in life and even when I decide that I'm going to talk I feel as if I'm going into a nervous breakdown I wanna move on but can't seem to ignore how my sister is and what I've done

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I feel bad for people who carry these things they perceive as sins commited when they were children into their adulthood. Have you discussed with your sisters what your mum used to do to you? I really feel like you should work through all this with a therapist. Sexual experimentation in childhood, particularly between siblings seems to be fairly common. I hope that you find peace.