Am I a sex offender. My negative thoughts are killing me

I'm a 42 year old married man with 2 children. Recently I've been having flashbacks to when I was 15 and I think I did something totally unacceptable to my 5 year old cousin. I can't remember specifics its a long time ago, but it involved my penis and I was showing it to my cousin. The whole event lasted about 30 seconds. I am struggling to remember what happened and why, did he touch it, I can't remember. In my eyes at the time it was innocent, a game perhaps, but now I am totally disgusted with myself, sick to the stomach.

I cannot stress this point enough, it never happened before and its never happpened since. It was truly and honestly a one off.

I feel so guilty, its affecting my mental and physical health. I had never done it before and never done it again. I'd like to think I'm a normal bloke, who's lead a normal life up until now. This event was well and truly dead and buried, never been thought about until now, and it won't go away. These guilty feelings are now affecting my everyday state of mind and I don't know what to do.

I've see my cousin regularly and for the past 27 years we have got on really well, he probably doesnt rememvber anything.

Please help, I want my life back.

IMHO you have these choices:

1) Cry about it forever with no benefit to anyone

2) Try to apologize to him
2.1) This might make him angry/trigger memories
2.2) It might also be a great relief to him
2.3) He might not be able to remember ANYTHING
2.4) You'd be able to move on with your life

3) Forgive yourself and move on
3.1) Small chance he feels af if you owe him an apology
3.2) You will not start focusing on negative sexual energy in yourself and ruin your family.


Do you remember any other such situations?

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to such young kids? (Don't lie, I'm not in any position to judge anyone)

Are you afraid of hurting anyone? (If not, good. Start living again).

I think you may be too hard on yourself.

Don't worry about it. Seeing a penis is no big deal, especially if it wasn't erect. He'd probably see them in the shower after PE anyway. And start doing much of the same with other boys a few years afterwards. Don't tell him.

Thanks for the responses.

I could never bring myself to mention this event to him. He may not even remember anything so why would I want to tell him something like that. Makes my stomach churn.

I will answer these questions with 100% honesty

Do you remember any other such situations?

Absolutely not

Have you ever felt sexually attracted to such young kids? (Don't lie, I'm not in any position to judge anyone)

Never

Are you afraid of hurting anyone? (If not, good. Start living again).

I must stress this was a one time only event, I'd never do anything like this in a million years. I've never had those types of thoughts. Could it have been puberty, hormones, experimentation?

Just myself, my body aches from top to bottom. I'm punishing myself physically and mentally.

What I'm trying to do is justify it after all this time. How could someone do something like that? I've lived form 27 years with this "secret" and it has never bothered me until now. Why now, I don't understand, and what would drive a 15 year old boy to commit such an act with a 5 year old. I am desperately trying to remember what happened, did he touch me, did I ask him to touch me, I have no idea, its just a memory.

I don't know what my brain wants, does it want me to confess to my wife and then face a barage of questions, I keep thinking what would people do or say to me if they knew, I'm becoming really paranoid.

I have two boys, 6 and 8 and I love them dearly and I would never dream of causing them any harm. I am a good guy, caring husband, loving father, good friends. I desperatly need to put this behind me.

JimBob70 wrote:I don't know what my brain wants, does it want me to confess to my wife and then face a barage of questions, I keep thinking what would people do or say to me if they knew, I'm becoming really paranoid.

I have two boys, 6 and 8 and I love them dearly and I would never dream of causing them any harm. I am a good guy, caring husband, loving father, good friends. I desperatly need to put this behind me.

NO. Whatever you do, don't tell your wive. You have two boys, and there is a chance she would misunderstand and your marriage would be ruined. You yourself have said that you have not experienced sexual attraction towards kids.

Know that episodes such as the one you had are rather normal. They don't happen to everyone, but at least a degree of sexual exploration can and does happen between relatives and siblings. There is a big difference between showing and forcing someone into something (Which you have no reason to assume you have done).

JimBob70 wrote:
What I'm trying to do is justify it after all this time. How could someone do something like that? I've lived form 27 years with this "secret" and it has never bothered me until now. Why now, I don't understand, and what would drive a 15 year old boy to commit such an act with a 5 year old. I am desperately trying to remember what happened, did he touch me, did I ask him to touch me, I have no idea, its just a memory.

If you don't remember exactly, don't sweat it. What you did doesn't sound all that bmad, and you hae only done one thing. You are not habitual child molester, and you are definitively more innocent in your thoughts and conduct towards children than I could ever be.

I myself unfortunately suffer from sexual attraction to children, and I can tell you, you don't. You're fine. You have a wive and two kids, don't kill yourself over something small and loose it all.

Please, won't someone think of the children? You have two sons. Just keep it quiet so they don't have to deal with any #######4.

Hi Jim. I came upon this site seeking help with my own abuse and only decided to actually register when I saw yours. Quite simply - at 15 years old boys are curious, raging, and a hormonal mess. If you did what you did that one single time, you were just being an ignorant NORMAL teenager. If you have no cravings to do the same then please stop driving yourself crazy. 5 years old is pretty young I don't remember a thing from that age. Please, you were a child, you do not belong on these forums. You are a good man if it is weighing on you in a bad way. Please, let it go and follow what your heart believes. If you have no desire to do that type of thing, you are not my enemy.

Hi 'MoveOnOrTheyWin'

Nice to here from you.

It was only ever the once, I know everything you say makes sense, I'm trying to convince myself that, but it keeps going round and round in my head and it won't go away. Its affecting my mental and physical health. What gets me is, I've lived my life until recently and that "event" has never been part of my life or thoughts, it was a one-off, stupid thing to do, now it rules my life and it won't go away.

Thanks for the reassuring words.

Jim

Can I please re-open this question, I am getting worse.

In light of the recent allegations made against Jimmy Saville, I now live in fear that a complaint is made against me, I am scared to live a normal life, I am waiting for a knock on my door. I live in fear of being stigmatised, going into hiding, losing my job. I am so frightened. A black cloud hangs over me and I don’t know where to turn for help. My life has come to a halt.

What’s going to happen to me if a complaint is made against me? Does the child even remember anything, did anything actually happen. Am I responsible for him being gay?

I cannot stress enough that I am not a paedophile, sex offender, molester, just a normal person who’s done something out of character, but admittedly, quite wrong.

any words of advice would be appreciated.

You said in your original post that you see your cousin regularly and that you get on well. I would suggest that you ask to meet with him, somewhere private, and ask him about it directly.

It will be really difficult. I know that. But I can't see any other way of getting past this. There's no-one else a legal complaint can come from, since there was just this one incident with your cousin. If he remembers it and thinks of it as abuse, you have the opportunity to apologise. And what happens next is up to him. You can't and shouldn't try to change his mind if that's how he saw the event. But if he doesn't remember it, or if he does, but thinks it wasn't important, then that is a weight off your mind and you can put all this worry down permanently.

I don't think anyone here can convince you that it's "okay" because none of us are your cousin [as far as I know] and he is the only one who can say whether this affected him. [Though no, it would not have "made" him gay.]

hi

I have moved this to Remorse as I think it is more appropriate there

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