I Have Remorse

'Help' will hopefully help you realise you are not the scum of the earth, allow you to figure out reasons for why you did what you did and hopefully allow you to forgive yourself as well as making sure this does not happen again. What you did is serious but it does not necessarily make you a bad person and asking for help can hopefully get you to see this. It also sounds like you are pretty miserable and asking for help may be a way of addressing this.

Keep safe

Cracked

I strongly think (like just about everyone else) that you really need to talk with either your sister or your parents. My brother did something similar to me when I was younger. The part that I didn't like is that I had blocked it out and about 12 years later my mom told me what happened. I felt totally betrayed for a couple of years. Mainly I felt betrayed because he never talked to me about it. He never apologized.

Now that I was able to talk to him about it we have a healthy relationship. I love my brother and am glad that we sorted it all out. He isn't into children either and was about 12 years old at the time. He was just very curious.

It would probably be best if you spoke with your mother or father about it first in case your sister decides to come to them herself. Really, it is much much better if they hear it from you instead of your sister. If you come out and tell them they will know that you didn't mean anything by it and they can talk to you about your feelings and be prepared to talk with your sister.

I really wish that my brother would have handled it that way instead of hiding it. It had ended up continuing for a while before my mom found out about it. And I know I acted it out with friends my age later... I just didn't realize that was why until I remembered everything and spoke with my brother.

Please, from a little sister, be open and honest with your family. I'm not saying it will be easy or that you wont get into trouble because I don't know your family. I know that you don't want to do it again, but I know what my will power was like when I was your age and I'm a girl! Get it out so you can get help and help your sister. Everything will end up okay!

Am I the only one who thinks you are COMPLETELY over reacting?

First off, you're a kid... you're new to the world and you're new to sexuality. It's normal for you to be curious about the female body, especially when you have access to one so easily. Your sister is essentially just an extension of you, which explains why you feel comfortable with touching her like that in the first place (I imagine you would NEVER try such a thing with a stranger).

Although it's very normal to be curious, it is not viewed as acceptable to inappropriately touch a girl who may not be aware of what you are doing. That is in fact what makes pedophilia what it is, that you are doing something of a sexual nature to a girl who is not conscious of your actions.

This does not make you a pedophile.
It makes you a curious young guy... we were all curious at one time and actually, in ancient times, it was not uncommon to marry family members.
I only say these things because you mention how guilty you feel...
It is OK to feel guilty, the fact that you feel guilty is a GOOD thing bud.
I would really start to worry if you didn't feel guilty.

You are NOT bad, you are NOT a pedophile, you are NOT a molester.
You are NORMAL.
As long as you have learned your lesson, and will deviate from acting out towards your sister... there is no reason to hold on to your guilt. Lesson learned, no more, MOVE ON.

There is no need to bring this up with either your mom or sister. For one, your sister will become aware of something that she is currently, I suspect, unaware of. That is ok, it is better that way, you allow her to keep her innocence. Telling your mother is unnecessary, it will spread the guilt you have to your mother and it could actually permanently damage your relationship with her... Your mother may not understand, and frankly, there is nothing she will be able to do for you unless you're looking for her to console you for your actions (which she might, I know if my child did that, I would definitely be there to support him/her).

This is something you can handle. As I said, it is ok... You didn't hurt your sister, you don't plan on doing it again... curiosity got the best of you, and that's ok.

Let me tell you this, everyone does things that they have little regrets about... yours is nothing in comparison and it could have been MUCH worse... trust me.

I agree with the above commenter. You don't want to be overreacting about anything that could draw the attention of Child Protective Services. If you're American, they're not so bad. If you're Canadian, you will ruin your sister's life by "opening up to a professional". Those people do the exact opposite of "help".

I hear the British and Australian versions are pretty bad, too.

Your sister is the only person you might need to talk to about this. It happened between you and her. I don't think it's as much of an issue with her as it is with you, tho. I think you should only apologize if she starts to behave as if she's afraid of you. Otherwise, forget about it and let her get on with her life. Talk about it when you're both adults and neither of you are in any danger of going to lockup for your tiny indiscretion.

Your sister is the only person you might need to talk to about this. It happened between you and her. I don't think it's as much of an issue with her as it is with you, tho. I think you should only apologize if she starts to behave as if she's afraid of you. Otherwise, forget about it and let her get on with her life. Talk about it when you're both adults and neither of you are in any danger of going to lockup for your tiny indiscretion.

Xena, I disagree entirely. My family is suffering currently because of the same issue. My husband abused his sister 13 years ago, admittedly it went on for about three years until he had just turned 16, she was 8 when it ended. He didn't tell anyone, until me last year. He hadn't spoken to his sister and had assumed that she was quite comfortable with him being around. A little over a month ago she let us all know very clearly that what he had done to her had affected her, she had chosen to keep it to herself and hadn't even told her husband until then as well. Now she won't even talk to us, she sees her parents only at her place (as we live with my in-laws). She has even spoken to a lawyer, I don't think she will take it to court as there hasn't been anymore talk on that, but it was a good possibility. I was worried that my family would be pulled through the courts, my children interrigated and even examined, and even the possibility of my husband facing gaol time, or at least registered as a child sex offender!
Take the advice of smidget, she's been on the receiving end and wished her brother had've spoken to her earlier not 12 years later, she is a very strong woman to even speak to her brother and continue to have a relationship with him now. My sister-in-law may never reach that point, I hope she does as I love her dearly and her children. I'd hate for a young man who clearly loves his siblings not to have a relationship with them and their children in the future because of fear. I honestly believe that the best person to talk to is someone you trust, it sounds like you don't trust your parents to be objective. Seek out another family member, your older brother, an uncle or aunt, or as I've said earlier a church pastor is always a good person to speak to. I find that if you speak to someone at school (I'm a teacher) that they're hands can often be tied and they have to refer something like this on and that's really the last thing you, your family and your sister need. You NEED to talk to someone soon, it's eating you up inside and that is not healthy. I worry for you and that's why I keep checking on this thread. Everyone here seem to feel the same, we want you to move on from this and lead a happy healthy life where you will eventually find a beautiful young woman who'll stand by you and bear your children. If you don't move on from this and put it behind you any relationships you do develop will be affected, it's a given, we all take baggage into relationships and if we haven't made peace with the baggage we have we can not have healthy relationships.

I didn't say wait 12 years. I said wait until there's no more danger of getting his sister locked up. Putting a girl through therapy for something she may have forgotten can do more harm than good at her age.

And Ophellia, it sounds like what happened in your family was a fullblown case of rape, not the childlike rubbing this boy describes. There's a big difference. There was also a much bigger age difference between your husband and his sister. Frankly, I'd be worried about what kind of a father your husband might be. Your sister-in-law was 5 for pity's sake!

It sounds like what the OP is describing is the game my elementary school girlfriends and I used to call "playing house" when we were 9-12 years old, not the child rape your husband committed. Tweens will be tweens. And moms will paddle their asses for experimenting with sex when they find out. My homophobic mother certainly did. The world's lucky I was wiley and stubborn enough to get over it so quickly. Some tweens get messed right up when their parents gaybash them.

We don't want to offer the boy the kind of advice that will get him abused. His sister is 12. If she's harbouring any powerful feelings over the incident, they'll come out soon enough.

Just make sure you don't do it to/with her again, imsou. I also said let her get on with her life. That means keeping a respectful distance for awhile. She'll come to you if she feels that there's anything to discuss.

That's assuming you didn't force her, and there was no penetration. You are being fully honest about that, right? Consent is the difference I'm talking about, here. That's what makes the difference between a slightly icky incident of "kissing cousins" that's better forgotten, and an actual case of molestation. If you didn't hold her against her will and humiliate her, she'll get over the ick factor without professional help.

Like I said, discuss it with her in a few years (or if and when she comes to you about it). She'll either accept your apology, or she'll tell you to stay out of her life. Beyond respecting her wishes and not groping her again, there's not much you or a therapist or a priest will accomplish at this point. The rest is all a bunch of pointless, time consuming, and expensive contrition rituals designed to assure the public that you won't go off molesting every child you see.

You've stated your remorse, so I see no future danger to other children. You can man up and deal with your sister when she's old enough to forgive you (or tell you off.) And you can man up right now by not letting it happen again, and by not allowing a bunch of social workers to destroy your family over it.

Ophellia may have a point about discussing the issue with a peer if you need to get it off your chest, tho. Do you have an older brother or a friend who won't send in the social workers? Be just as careful with this. You don't want everybody at school to start calling you a creep and a freak. Peers can be cruel, and you have to go to school with them for another 2 or 3 years. That could become an even worse hell for you than lockup.

-- Wed Sep 12, 2012 6:54 pm --

Hold the phone. I read the posts a little more carefully imsou, and I didn't find your sister's age this time. Where did I read that she's 12? Maybe I just assumed bc she's old enough and big enough to climb on top, wrestle you down, and tell you "don't touch that" when she finds you creepy.

How old is she again?

The OP seems to be a mess of guilt-issue and sexual abuse-issue; both are "hyperrealities" of the patriarchy. Sounds like the OP is a teen boy, so I'd advise the OP to watch Guy Ritchie's Revolver 2005 like twenty-five times. It's an exciting casino/con crime drama; you'll like it. Eventually you'll realize what Mr. Green and Mr. Gold mean and you'll be able to chill-out. If you then want to act or tell anyone about this stuff, or be willing to forgive and forget for yourself, you'll be able to make that decision from a position of compassionate understanding.

From what you've described in your Original Post, I see it as HORMONES and "teenage stupidity".

I wouldn't compare yourself to a "sexual offender", what you did was inappropriate but get a hold of yourself, particularly if you have issues with hyperactivity, it can some times lead to strange behavior.

If you are curious about sexuality, I'd deem it preferable to maybe check out pornography? It's not for everyone, but if that's something you're comfortable doing, then it could provide you with a more appropriate release.

There's one issue that stands out to me. If you continue to keep it to yourself, you are not being accountable and therefore could give yourself permission to try it again (especially as you are convinced she didn't know it happened.) This is just one possibility from the scenario you describe.

Another could be that you have realised the irresponsibility of it and the intrusion on her, will never do this again, and therefore don't see the need to share it with anyone.

My brother took advantage of me in a similar manner, at similar ages. I do not bear him any grudge and have never told a soul. My interpretation of those occurrences was that he was immature and never meant me any harm. However, that is only the way *I* see it - it could easily have caused me a lot of hurt and damage, had I been a different psychological makeup.

*mod edit*